Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[PolarBearBear]

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

To me this is the crux....

If you're absolutely sure you will never EVER cheat again and this was just a blip (for want of a better word), I wouldn't tell. You're just alleviating your own guilt and destroying her wellbeing.

However, if you're regularly fantasising about this woman, it's only fair that you tell your wife.

I've never had an affair but been with my partner 20 plus years... I came very close to it once... It would have hurt him beyond anything.

In my opinion the second post has a point. You are not over the affair and this is the foundation for a new one with the same or a different woman. If you really want to make it work with your wife you need to be out of that state of mind forever otherwise it won't work. Regarding the question about telling her, no I wouldn't tell her. It is your wrong doing not hers. You fix this if you want not her. She deserves to know that is correct but she also deserves a happy life not an ice bucket from the blue to alleviate your guilt.

Take it to the grave. You only want to tell her to make yourself feel better. You have no consideration for her feelings. Just like when you were having the affair. You’re a horrible person.

I think there can be situations where someone has an affair and it is entirely out of character for them and it is never repeated because it was so entirely out of character.

Was it out of character for you? Be honest in your self reflection.

In that case, don’t tell. But you need to keep a fucking close eye on yourself because it can start so easily and your barriers are going to be lower next time around:

Don’t follow any women on social media, unless they are family.
Don’t message women from a WhatsApp group, even if the subject is innocent - keep it on a public group.
Avoid travelling or eating alone with female colleagues. Invite someone else along too or make an excuse.
Don’t privately message female colleagues or use personal numbers, keep it to email or a public group.
Keep strict boundaries around your behaviour. Digital culture encourages the breaking of boundaries, but if you wouldn’t pin it on your front door, don’t write it in a message.
Don’t drink alcohol at work events or around any women whom you find attractive.

All of this is entirely reasonable given your previous conduct.

You need to do the above, do it cheerfully and not let on to anyone else why you are doing it.

Those are the basic steps of protecting your marriage.

So if the ow hadn't moved jobs then the affair would've continued? Id so then you then you need to tell your wife. I would want ro know. She can then get an std test unless you weren't hav8ng sex with her over the 9 months.

Weak little man.

Your poor wife.
young kids.
you risked breaking up their family.
the disrespect to the woman who gave you your children. Who sacrificed her body and perhaps career to do that.
you’re a walking cliche.
“she knew I was married” wth. YOU KNEW YOU WERE MARRIED.

sorry you’re a scumbag, you’ll do it again sadly.

That's disgusting.
Every day you continue to keep this secret you are lying to her. Every day you pretend it didn't happen you are breaking your marriage vows. Your dishonesty by ommission is just as much as a betrayal as the original affair. Yes you are hurting her. You want to keep the secret to protect yourself not her - you fear the consequences of what will happen if she knows the truth so you continue to deceive her. Every time you have sex with her you are no better than a rapist because you are pretending to be someone you are not, because she would never consent if she knew what you really are, so her consent is invalidated and you are proceeding without consent.

The only way to be a good person is to confess what you have done, let her be angry and do not minimise your guilt, and perhaps she may eventually come to forgive you.

Did she get a new job because the affair ended or did the affair end first?

What exactly are you thinking about the affair?

“If it’s oh god I fucked up, I could have lost my wife” thats one thing, if it’s you imagining getting back with the woman you had an affair with thats another.

Hi op Understand how you are feeling and if we were in your shoes there are somethings that are better not talked about and this is defo one of them. You will be opening up the proverbial hornets nest.

Honestly? I’d want to know. I value truth and openness and agency.
I tend also to think ‘once a shagger, always a shagger’. Sorry to put it so crudely.

Yes, I think this is a good question

There is a big difference between constantly thinking about it, full of shame and guilt Vs constantly fantasising about how much you enjoyed the affair.

The second risks that the smallest argument will give you the "excuse" to rekindle.

It feels like you don't really regret or feel badly about your betrayal, you just stopped because you realised you would eventually get caught and didn't want to face the consequences of your wife leaving you.

If you really love your wife I think you owe it to her to get therapy to move to a state where you are faithful in body AND MIND.

I’m wondering how you did it? Did you have nights away? How did you explain that? Work trip?

I think if a wife can’t work it out then she’s happy with life as it is.

Perfect advice.

I couldn't keep that sort of secret but then I couldn't lie to have a 9 month affair. The thing is the truth always comes out. Also, I couldn't have sex with my H knowing that he thinks I'm faithful. He wouldn't consent to sex with me if he knew I'd been shagging someone else. I would feel that he couldn't give informed consent without that information.

Unless I'm dreaming this thread word for word has been posted before a few weeks ago.

You see, this is what people don’t understand. “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” is bollocks. Women know, even if it’s on a subconscious level. I developed horrific anxiety out of the blue that started at exactly the same time as my ex started his affair.

In four years (the length of the affair) I never suspected that he was having an affair. He hid it so well and was literally having bunk ups during working hours. He never saw her outside of work, or bought new clothes or started going to the gym like lots of men.

I thought it was just me, and I was losing my mind for no reason at all. People have no idea of the damage an affair does, until they are cheated on.

Right now you don't have the skills to the best husband. You don't have the skills to be a person with integrity let alone in a relationship.

Get yourself in therapy. Learn about yourself that you did this in the first place where is the defecit within you that your seeked an affair out. Theb Lear the skills necessary to actually sit in your wife's pain without becoming defensive. Learn how abusive it is to manipulate someone's entire world for your own benefit. Learn how to cope with your shame.

Taking this to the grave is the complete opposite of being the best husband those two things can not exist together.
Right now you're all talk and that makes you incredibly likely to do it again.

You haven't just lied to yourself your wife but your children too. To everyone you've interacted with and the version of yourself you're putting out into the world. It's not true. You need to find out who you really are because lying and hiding goes hand in hand with very low self esteem which makes you very vunerable to all manner of negative things.

For all you know she does know,is taking her time to arrange her and the childrens life without you. You're not in control of this.

I feel like I'm being tricked into some sort of research to see if predominantly women react differently to a husband cheating compared to a wife cheating.

9 months is the thing getting to me.
You were probsnlu heavily invested in this physically and emotionally. 9 months you were not there for your family. You were planning and living another life.

If it had been a one off drunken fumble - perhaps take it your grave.
But 9 months.... are you sure she hasn't suspected anything????
And you are struggling to forget it yourself.
And dont be smug enough to think no one else knows.... someone will.

I am on Team you should tell her. She deserves the truth. Your marriage is a sham.

If you feel guilty that's what you deserve to feel. Will you do it again since you got away with it this time? Next time you might not be so lucky the OW may want more and tell all, do you want to risk it? Hope the OW doesn't come back and say she's pregnant that would put spoke in it.

If I was married to a man who was happy to roam my sexual health in this way, I would absolutely want to know. Because that’s the core of this, you can say you love someone all you want, but the actions of what you have done suggest otherwise. And she should be able to have the choice to decide for herself if this marriage is something she wants to remain in in light of this. This wasn’t a random ‘lapse of judgment’ - it was 9 months of hiding and being deceitful.

And what happens when the next younger woman who catches your eye?

See a therapist to work it through.