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Original poster

Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

309 replies

PolarBearBear · 16/10/2026 22:33

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

OP posts:
worldshottestmom · 19/10/2026 18:38

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ShinyCars · 19/10/2026 18:48

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I'm basing my opinion on what the OP has actually said. Not something I have just made up because I'm desperate for OP's situation to "fall back on him loool"

worldshottestmom · 19/10/2026 19:02

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MindTheGapMindTheGap · 19/10/2026 21:23

You are not 100% in love with your wife. It will happen again.

Seajaye · 19/10/2026 21:46

accidentalmillionaire · 19/10/2026 18:13

In what world can you imagine him NOT lying over the course of 9 months? You are dancing on the head of a pin here. He lied, he omitted, he told her he loved her when quite obviously he couldn't if he was having s&x with a 24 year old colleague.

Show quote history

OP hasn't said he has lied ( but I agree hasn't said he hasn't either) .I knew someone who conducted a 10 year plus affair with a work colleague solely in their lunch breaks. It eventually ended because although both sets of children had grown up and left home, she decided that should should do the 'right' thing and stay with her husband. Imt fairly sure she didn't confess and give her husband a choice of continuing the marriage or not.

BrickMaker · 20/10/2026 05:54

A 9 month affair is full on. You don't know she won't tell your wife. On a seperate note.I am amazed at the number of women who hold themselves above men morally but have no second thought about cheating with a married man. I know several friends who have, the wives never featured once in their thoughts and they felt no guilt. In contrast I have never heard of a single case of an unmarried man having an affair with a married woman or pursuing one. So much for the sisterhood!

Onlyausername · 20/10/2026 06:28

I think OP merely posed the poll for attention and to continue in his cleversome of not being caught out, almost bragging. This allows him to still revel in the affair whilst claiming shame and contrition.
What a POS.

Oxymorons · 20/10/2026 11:06

MindTheGapMindTheGap · 19/10/2026 21:23

You are not 100% in love with your wife. It will happen again.

He doesn't know what love is

TiredMummma · 20/10/2026 22:09

She will find out. Having sec with your wife again after this is disgusting. Have you had a sexual health test? You need to tell her as it’s an awful thing to do and you will do it again. If you don’t tell her you’ll have to live with the fact you are a terrible person.

Peachie31 · 20/10/2026 22:19

ShinyCars · 19/10/2026 10:42

What OP's wife deserves is to live a life free from hurt. OP telling his wife about the affair would only hurt her. If he came on here saying 'Yeah, I had an affair and there's a high chance it would probably happen again', then I'd be saying yes the wife deserves to know. But OP made a mistake, regrets it, learned from it, and has no intention of doing it again. Why should he cause unnecessary pain to his wife over an indiscretion?

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What a steaming pile of absolute bull.

He has caused the hurt, he needs to own up to it instead of hiding it away like a coward. She deserves to know the truth so she can decide if that means the end of the marriage or not. That is HER decision. He is further betraying her by keeping her in the dark and to suggest otherwise shows a complete disregard for anyone other than himself.

SunflowerTed · 20/10/2026 22:26

PolarBearBear · 16/10/2026 22:46

Kinda. But I'm just going to block thse thaughts out now. And focus on my marrige.

Show quote history

I would normally say don’t tell but your wife deserves so much better than you so I think you should confess and give her the opportunity to find someone who really loves her

SunflowerTed · 20/10/2026 22:26

PolarBearBear · 16/10/2026 22:46

Kinda. But I'm just going to block thse thaughts out now. And focus on my marrige.

Show quote history

I would normally say don’t tell but your wife deserves so much better than you so I think you should confess and give her the opportunity to find someone who really loves her

wildnwilde · 20/10/2026 22:52

Op the right thing to do isn't always the EASY thing to do . You're complicit I'm this betrayal. It's NOT your fault, but come on grow a back bone . Would you be as complicit if this was a man instead of a female . Your'friend' is a deceptive selfish twat . She's looking to you for justification,dont give it to her

CrabAppleTree1 · 21/10/2026 11:07

My husband betrayed my trust.

The hardest part in rebuilding the trust was that he was caught and only told me after someone else said they’d tell me if he didn’t rather than him confessing it himself out of guilt or genuinely wanting to fix things. It would have been so much easier to trust him again if I knew he was truly repentent and had confessed on his own.

Despite it being the bleakest time of my life I still feel if he betrayed me I would want to know so I vote tell her.

If it was the other way around would you want to know?

idrinkandiknowthings · 21/10/2026 13:39

Speaking as someone who has had an affair with a married man, you need to take this to the grave - but only if you genuinely believe that you will not cheat again. Confessing now will only serve to salve your own guilt and cause immense pain to your family.

I am also concerned, though, that you are still obsessing about the affair. That doesn't bode well.

OMGDidYouSayThat · 21/10/2026 14:13

idrinkandiknowthings · 21/10/2026 13:39

Speaking as someone who has had an affair with a married man, you need to take this to the grave - but only if you genuinely believe that you will not cheat again. Confessing now will only serve to salve your own guilt and cause immense pain to your family.

I am also concerned, though, that you are still obsessing about the affair. That doesn't bode well.

So you don't think he has a right to know, to choose whether he want's to waste the rest of his life with someone who cheats on him? Wow, just Wow...spineless springs to mind...

Not to mention the health implications, what if she had unknowingly passed on an STD and she didn't give him the opportunity to get tested. This is why i hate people who cheat, because they are selfish and are only interested in their own gains, sod everyone else.

Mom2K · 21/10/2026 16:06

idrinkandiknowthings · 21/10/2026 13:39

Speaking as someone who has had an affair with a married man, you need to take this to the grave - but only if you genuinely believe that you will not cheat again. Confessing now will only serve to salve your own guilt and cause immense pain to your family.

I am also concerned, though, that you are still obsessing about the affair. That doesn't bode well.

I'd not be taking any advice from anyone on this thread who has cheated, or been with someone who was married. Cheating/facilitating cheating lacks morals and integrity.

So if you came here to ask what is the right thing to do for your wife, then only the opinions of people who have not displayed such disgusting behaviour are valid. Consulting with fellow lying, selfish people only serves to validate your own motivations. It does not reflect what's right for your wife.

Boomer55 · 21/10/2026 16:22

PolarBearBear · 16/10/2026 22:39

I was thinking about it but I will stop. I just want to focus on my marrige now. And put this in the past.

Show quote history

If she can't find out, then I'd just shut up. 🤷‍♀️

And, no, I've never cheated. 🙄

kkloo · 22/10/2026 00:23

ShinyCars · 19/10/2026 10:42

What OP's wife deserves is to live a life free from hurt. OP telling his wife about the affair would only hurt her. If he came on here saying 'Yeah, I had an affair and there's a high chance it would probably happen again', then I'd be saying yes the wife deserves to know. But OP made a mistake, regrets it, learned from it, and has no intention of doing it again. Why should he cause unnecessary pain to his wife over an indiscretion?

Show quote history

Because she deserves to know so that she can make the decision for herself about whether she wants to stay with him or not.

It's not an indiscretion, it was a 9 month affair.

Username1981 · 22/10/2026 06:46

This thread is so sad.

Affairs often have very little to do with the primary relationship, they are more to do with flaws in the cheat themselves. Affair psychology now accepts that, after realising that even if cheats ran off with their new shiny from their ‘unhappy marriage’ they were still 3/4 times more likely to cheat again. Affairs are addictive, ruminating and obsessing about them is common not a sign of true love or some such nonsense. Look into the statistics for affairs that survive into relationships it’s DIRE.

Cheats will cheat, until they do some serious work on themselves.

The dreadful irony about staying and not telling your primary partner to ‘protect them’ is exactly the faults that were in play during the affair are remaining in play. You are controlling the narrative, lying by omission to protect yourself. You remain deeply flawed entitled and selfish.

IMO personal agency is a fundamental right. We make so many decisions in a relationship that affect us, whether to have one more child, how to spend inheritance we get, whether to move for our spouses job, whether to take that financial risk… so many decisions that if you knew the full facts of your life you might not make to protect yourself and that’s what not telling does. It doesn’t protect the betrayed from harm. It protects the cheat, it removes the betrayeds personal agency.

I went through infidelity. I get it hurts, my god, it hurts. It causes deep harm but i still believe not knowing and removing my right to my personal agency would have been worse.

So tell, you hurt them but you give them back the right to their personal agency and experience repercussions of their choosing. Don’t tell and you remain a deeply flawed individual who didn’t receive consequences for their actions and who had lied by omission to remain in a relationship and I don’t agree that ‘life long guilt’ is much of a consequence when it often just leads to further cheating without serious personal work.

My heart goes out to your wife.

hellomellow · 22/10/2026 08:03

Username1981 · 22/10/2026 06:46

This thread is so sad.

Affairs often have very little to do with the primary relationship, they are more to do with flaws in the cheat themselves. Affair psychology now accepts that, after realising that even if cheats ran off with their new shiny from their ‘unhappy marriage’ they were still 3/4 times more likely to cheat again. Affairs are addictive, ruminating and obsessing about them is common not a sign of true love or some such nonsense. Look into the statistics for affairs that survive into relationships it’s DIRE.

Cheats will cheat, until they do some serious work on themselves.

The dreadful irony about staying and not telling your primary partner to ‘protect them’ is exactly the faults that were in play during the affair are remaining in play. You are controlling the narrative, lying by omission to protect yourself. You remain deeply flawed entitled and selfish.

IMO personal agency is a fundamental right. We make so many decisions in a relationship that affect us, whether to have one more child, how to spend inheritance we get, whether to move for our spouses job, whether to take that financial risk… so many decisions that if you knew the full facts of your life you might not make to protect yourself and that’s what not telling does. It doesn’t protect the betrayed from harm. It protects the cheat, it removes the betrayeds personal agency.

I went through infidelity. I get it hurts, my god, it hurts. It causes deep harm but i still believe not knowing and removing my right to my personal agency would have been worse.

So tell, you hurt them but you give them back the right to their personal agency and experience repercussions of their choosing. Don’t tell and you remain a deeply flawed individual who didn’t receive consequences for their actions and who had lied by omission to remain in a relationship and I don’t agree that ‘life long guilt’ is much of a consequence when it often just leads to further cheating without serious personal work.

My heart goes out to your wife.

Spot on.

Cheats are deeply flawed and will continue to cheat unless work is done. I do agree that by keeping the knowledge a secret, you are effectively behaving as you did when you were cheating.

accidentalmillionaire · 22/10/2026 12:31

Username1981 · 22/10/2026 06:46

This thread is so sad.

Affairs often have very little to do with the primary relationship, they are more to do with flaws in the cheat themselves. Affair psychology now accepts that, after realising that even if cheats ran off with their new shiny from their ‘unhappy marriage’ they were still 3/4 times more likely to cheat again. Affairs are addictive, ruminating and obsessing about them is common not a sign of true love or some such nonsense. Look into the statistics for affairs that survive into relationships it’s DIRE.

Cheats will cheat, until they do some serious work on themselves.

The dreadful irony about staying and not telling your primary partner to ‘protect them’ is exactly the faults that were in play during the affair are remaining in play. You are controlling the narrative, lying by omission to protect yourself. You remain deeply flawed entitled and selfish.

IMO personal agency is a fundamental right. We make so many decisions in a relationship that affect us, whether to have one more child, how to spend inheritance we get, whether to move for our spouses job, whether to take that financial risk… so many decisions that if you knew the full facts of your life you might not make to protect yourself and that’s what not telling does. It doesn’t protect the betrayed from harm. It protects the cheat, it removes the betrayeds personal agency.

I went through infidelity. I get it hurts, my god, it hurts. It causes deep harm but i still believe not knowing and removing my right to my personal agency would have been worse.

So tell, you hurt them but you give them back the right to their personal agency and experience repercussions of their choosing. Don’t tell and you remain a deeply flawed individual who didn’t receive consequences for their actions and who had lied by omission to remain in a relationship and I don’t agree that ‘life long guilt’ is much of a consequence when it often just leads to further cheating without serious personal work.

My heart goes out to your wife.

As I suspected. Tho of course the cheater loves to blame the shortcomings of the the existing partner. Hasn’t happened to me. But a friend of DH’s swears blind his menopausal wife was ‘mad’ despite the fact he’d found d a younger bit of skirt. It’s gaslighting at its finest

Gobbledegoo · 23/10/2026 11:56

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Nursegladys2 · 25/10/2026 12:44

Having been cheated on, twice (AFAIK) by my ex husband, the first time when I was at the lowest in my life, and was blamed for the cheating, 🙄 (I was messed up in the head, otherwise I wouldn't have forgiven the first time), the person he cheated with, when he ended it, took great pleasure, in telling me the when and how... How does OP know the person he cheated with, won't let his wife know? 9 months isn't just a drunken oops it's calculated, cold nosed, deception. OP isn't thinking of his wife, he's more concerned about getting found out. OPs wife deserves to know. I hope he's had an STI check. I sincerely hope his wife DOES find out, and dumps him. The pos.

Nursegladys2 · 25/10/2026 12:50

ShinyCars · 19/10/2026 10:42

What OP's wife deserves is to live a life free from hurt. OP telling his wife about the affair would only hurt her. If he came on here saying 'Yeah, I had an affair and there's a high chance it would probably happen again', then I'd be saying yes the wife deserves to know. But OP made a mistake, regrets it, learned from it, and has no intention of doing it again. Why should he cause unnecessary pain to his wife over an indiscretion?

Show quote history

An "indiscretion" is a handful of times, not nine bloody months. Nine months of lying to, and cheating on, the woman he purports to love. Who's to say, the other woman, won't tell her, or one of her friends?