Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[PolarBearBear]

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

lol. I knew a serial cheat and this was exactly his rationale as well, ‘what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her’.

I too think you will cheat again. You marriage will hit a normal dull or stressed point and your memory of enjoying the affair, plus your ready made justification of ‘what she doesn’t know will never hurt her’ will rise to the surface to enable you to cheat again.

What happened first — did your affair partner get the new job and make plans to live elsewhere before you ended things with her, or had you already broken up by the time she got the job?

Was the breakup inevitable anyway?

Once a cheater always a cheater. Tell your wife so she can get tested for hiv and gonorrhoea etc etc etc
get divorced so you can continue to creep on other women and your wife can live her best life away from your sorry lying face.

I would absolutely not tell. As a wife, I would rather not know

Go and get some therapy. It’s the absolute least you can do. You almost blew up your world and the guilt and realisation will be fierce. But if you don’t want to be a rubbish husband, in his own head and wracked with it all, then your seek support to understand why you did it and how to move forward.

This is a lie you’re telling yourself to make you feel better. You’re thinking about the affair, you miss it and ultimately if you did love your wife and kids you wouldn’t have cheated.
I was all for taking it to the grave until I read you missed your affair life. Your wife deserves better

So you are going to continue being a dick then? Okaaaayy.

If you have made a thread to alert women to the fact that men can be dicks. We already know.

Have an STD test at least.

Nah, I'm firmly in the "you absolutely should tell her" camp.

She deserves to know that you've betrayed her, and she deserves the truth to be able to decide for herself if she wants to continue with the marriage after your betrayal. You owe her that. She might forgive you, she might not. But that decision should be HERS to make. Not yours.

For me personally.... I have been with my husband for 17 years, but if I found out my husband cheated on me at any point of our relationship, it would be game over. Even if it was 15 years ago, it wouldnt matter. It would be over.

I don't think you should tell her, but I do think you should have some therapy for yourself to figure out why you did this and to stop you doing again. And maybe some couples counselling as well.

The problem is if she finds out from your OW that will really make the s*"t hit the fan. Be honest, be humble and let her decide. The fact you did this in the first place would concern me if I was your wife. A younger female turned your head and you let it be turned. At that point someone fluffing your ego was more important than your marriage. You'll do it again. Cheat on her once shame on you, cheat on her twice shame on her.

welcome to real life, you may get a little abuse in here or people telling you to leave your wife / you will do it again. I am saying all this from my exDH having an affair and he left for her, I found out and however I found out it beyond crushed me in different ways.

I believe that you probably won’t, the reason is you clearly realise you’re shortcomings and ended the affair when possibly you could have held on for longer.

You are probably not over the feelings of the woman but more how the attention made you feel than actually her while you still loved your wife. It was a short burst of attention when let’s face it kids, finances, family, work pressure and monotony. Some nice attention was a flash of light in a possibly boring place. Yes people will say work on the marriage and in an ideal world yes, but life is busy and sometimes both are very busy these things sink through with a flash of ill timing.

IMHO I would maybe seek a counsellor just for someone to talk to who won’t judge, offer sound advise and mainly won’t go round telling people after a pint in the pub.

IF you can resolve and not repeat I would not tell your wife. If however you find yourself repeating the error then coming clean and moving on is wise and fair on your wife. With discretion look to get yourself tested for STDs to protect your wife even if you used protection.

Some may believe telling her the truth, this will set off a depth charge and rip the fabric of the lives of the children who will suffer the most. It is subjective to what is right and wrong here and honestly neither are the right or wrong answer, but I would seek a counsellor to talk to and take your family to local parks for walks and plays, be a good father and a good husband. Good luck.

You're still thinking about it and posting about it because you enjoyed it and you're reliving it.

I think you're a really disappointing person.

Isn’t she lucky that you are trying not to hurt her. Isn’t she lucky to have a man with such good values and self control.

You know what you are. Your marriage is a lie.

Hi op if you ever had unprotected sex you need to get checked out. You say you won’t ever do it again but you cannot know this for sure. If you are ever tempted again let your wife know and don’t betray her again also never say never it’s a small world when it comes to keeping secrets.

He is objectively not a good father or husband. Anything he does is fake. If he truly loved his wife and kids he’d have not done it in the first place. His (and their) life is fake. And if she and the kids find out later down the line then it will hurt all the more.

@PolarBearBear - I’m going against the grain here. But… I have been in your wive’s position. My husband had an emotional affair with a colleague at work. I would HATE not knowing. I would hate someone knowing something about my marriage that I was unaware. And you think your AP won’t ever tell. But.. she might. And even if she doesn’t you are letting your wife live a lie - for your benefit. Do the right thing and tell her. Be a decent person and put truth above what YOU think is best for her. Let her decide. You took the decision out of her hands once, don’t do it again. You keep saying you want to be the best husband - the best husbands take accountability for the pain they cause.

Well your obviously hurting her although she doesn't know. You risked her health too and she deserves autonomy over her own life. It is not for you to decide she has to live without the truth and knowingly making her own decisions. The fact you won't tell her shows you are still in the cheater mindset and you absolutely will cheat again. I hope you get sloppy and she finds out.

Your are taking so much from your wife and family. You lie to yourself saying you are not telling her because it will hurt her. It's not true. If you were bothered about hurting her you wouldn't have continued the affair for 9 months. The truth is you don't want to deal with the consequences. You dont want her to know the type of person she is with and you don't want yours kids to find out what kind of father they have. You can say your a good dad but good dads don't do this to their family.

Grow a spine and stop being selfish. Put your wife first for once and give her back the autonomy of her own life. You won't of course, you are a selfish person. Good luck living with that.

You carrying this around.. do you really think she won't notice a difference in you? That the guilt/resentment and hurt won't create a change and atmosphere? All that will happen is she will tie herself in knots trying to please you and make you happy again. This is mental torture and your the one who caused it.

Disgusting! Who are you to decide on her behalf how much information she has about her own life? Imagine living a lie! Year after year. Thinking you know your partner.

You don't have the right to have sex with your wife whilst witholding this information. Because if she knew what you've done, she probably wouldn't consent to sex with you. Therefore having sex with her without giving her the full info, the sex is non-consentual.

Be a man and come clean. And allow her to make her own decisions about her life. No one wants to marry a cheater. That's who you are. So let her decide abiut her own life now.

Tell her.

She needs to be the one to be able to make an informed decision here, not you. Own up and if you really want this marriage THEN be the man you say you can be. I would be heartbroken to not know if this was my husband. Also…you’ve done it once so no reason to think your ego won’t also need stroking further down the line.

Tell your poor wife. Let her decide if she wants to stay with a liar and a cheat, I'd bet not tbh.

Take it to the grave obviously. Yikes though, 24. Obviously an adult but so young, what part of this can you not stop thinking about? Or is that a silly question?

OP when you say you’re consumed by it, do you mean by the affair itself or the guilt attached to it ? If it’s the former, are you sure you’re over it enough to move on without it affecting your marriage ? Because if you’re not she’s likely to pick up on and question differences in your behaviour and you’re going to end up confessing at some point so you might as well tell her now.

If it’s the latter then l think you have to make a decision and stick with it. If you decide not to tell you need to make sure you can live with the guilt. Some would say keep quiet and shoulder the guilt because it’s your punishment for what you did. What would telling her achieve ? It would assuage your guilty somewhat but it would put her in a world of pain. Equally if you keep quiet now and then decide to tell her somewhere down the line I think that would be much worse.

You also have to ask yourself honestly whether you don’t want to tell her because you’re scared she will leave. The reasons for keeping quiet are rarely completely altruistic and when all is said and done doesn’t she have a right to know so that she can decide for herself whether she trusts you enough to stay in the marriage ?

It's going to be hard to build your relationship on a lie, and that's without mooning obsessively over your ex-affair partner.

My advice is: find a therapist. Tell them. Work through the complications of your feelings with them. Talk with them about your wife, your marriage, and what love means for you.

Good luck.

Mmmm don't believe you. You've done it once.....

Take it to your grave, OP.

I'm also an OW and as long as the affair is properly over and you've ended it amicably, there is no reason why you shouldn't give it another go with your wife and be the best husband you can be.

Life is about second chances, not past regrets.