Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[PolarBearBear]

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

I think this is much more common than people realise. I do recommend therapy though as many cheaters become repeat offenders simply because they have not dealt with something fundamental missing in either the relationship or in themselves. For some it's missing out on something in the relationship itself (mismatched desires, sex drive differences, chronic illness, life stressors). For others it's more about seeking outside the relationship for novelty or validation or a fix for a chronic sense of being unloved which probably started very early on in life. Therapy can help you unpick what is driving you, which reduces the risk of 'relapse'.

You don't have a marriage, and never will until you tell her and she chooses to start it again. Your relationship is objectively over l, and you are holding someone in a pretend relationship where they are potentially wasting this one shot at a life we get with who they wouldn't want to stay with. It is worse than the affair now.

And I bet you've never put a foot wrong in your perfect life have you, Mom2K?

I may have made a huge mistake here, but I can assure you that my morals and integrity are otherwise intact.

Put yourself in your wives shoes, if she did this to you how would you feel? Would you want to know? Would you stay with her?
I think she deserves to know, she’s entitled to decide if she wants to continue the marriage or not. You betrayed her, keeping another secret is further betrayal. Realisation you made a mistake doesn’t fix it, you have the affair burned into your mind and it’ll haunt you. You may not plan to cheat again but it’s still possible.
you may also believe she doesn’t know but women can pick up on subtle changes. There’s a high chance she has suspicions already.
tell her and brace yourself for a wake up call.

But that's still deception though, isn't it? Just because they didn't actively lie where they were, they betrayed their partner. Having been cheated on, myself, he didn't lie as such but was secretive and deceptive. You never get over that.

I doubt your marriage will work in the long run. If you could do that to her there’s clearly a chasm between you. Plus you are still in the affair in your head. I’d be amazed if she has no idea somethings up.

People who cheat try and say it’s selfish to tell and hurt the person. When what they mean is I’m going to selfishly keep quiet about my vile behaviour to save my ass getting divorced and me ending up skint in a flat doing 50/50 with the kids and everyone I know despising me.

Me too. I stole my grandads savings when he had dementia, but apart from from that my morals are integrity are otherwise intact.

Absolutely this. It reeks of "OK, so I altered my father's will so I got most of the money rather than it being split equally with my siblings. But if I told them that they'd be shocked and massively hurt so it's better that I keep quiet. Don't you see that I'm just doing it to protect them!?"

It's the action of a coward dressed up in faux concern for their victim.