Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[PolarBearBear]

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

The problem with this logic is that you’ll just apply it to everything in the future: when the next 24 year old comes around, when there’s a lads weekend on the horizon, etc etc etc. It’s the excuse of a fundamentally dishonest man.

The pain of being cheated on is like no other. Sometimes I think about it and do wonder if in my life I’d rather just never have known. However, ultimately, if you have any shred of respect for your wife, she deserves to know the truth and make an informed decision.

FWIW, I don’t think you love her. I think you love the set up you have in life.

Find a hobby (probably something outdoors in ALL weathers!?), become addicted to it, then you won’t have to think of “the affair”.

If you tell her it will destroy her reality and your kids lives won’t ever be the same again. It would have a long lasting effect on them for the rest of their lives. What good would it do?

Mumsnet has plenty of people who like to do a bit of virtue signalling so I expect you will get plenty of comments from them telling you to ‘do the right thing’ and blow your family’s life apart by being honest and owning up.
Dont do it.

My friends was in your shoes she deeply regrets it and says it was the biggest wake up call ever and tbh I think it tort her a very harsh lesson about taking her husband for granted
never say never but I doubt very much she ll stray again

Keep Schtum - the feelings will wear off. No point blowing everything up.

I think this is one of those things that almost certainly will happen again. All it takes it to be in the same situation again. If your commitment to your family isn’t enough the first time then it won’t be the next time an opportunity comes up.

This wasn’t a one-off, it was a long affair. You’re clearly a very deceitful person. Go to therapy. I think you need help to think about all this.

You don't love or respect your wife otherwise you'd not have had an affair and you wouldn't still be hankering after this girl.

If working on your marriage doesn't help and you are tempted again, end the marriage then go on to do what you want, this at least shows some respect. It's utterly shit to do what you did.

It's very individual as to what is the best thing to do.

If I was the wife I would ALWAYS want to know. Because knowing that my partner could have an affair and choose to prioritise/ lust after another woman over me and our children would mean that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him any more. Especially if the other woman and the affair is still on his mind and he's missing it. I would want to be told.

But some people in your wife's position may prefer to never know and just carry on with the relationship and family life.

You say you're trying to protect her being hurt but actually you're withholding information that can give her autonomy in life. Why shouldn't she be able to make an informed choice about who she wants to spend her life with? I actually think you're worried that she might leave with this this information so you have decided not to tell her. That's not fair. I don't think this is about not hurting her, but actually about not hurting you. Dealing with the fallout from it. Currently this leaves you in control and I think that's how you like it.

Gross for going out with someone so much younger than your wife. That’s the bit that would hurt the most.

1000% this.

The only reason you're thinking is telling your wife is to assuage your own guilt.

Stop putting your dick where you shouldnt

Vote for grave. If you rekindle with your AP are you going to keep going until caught? Asking for a friend.

She deserves the chance to tell you to fuck off and die.

So, tell her, stop making excuses, and let her boot you out of the house if she wants to.

You stripping her of her choice - again - and forcing her to live with a creepy bastard for the rest of her life, unknowing, is a horrifying notion.

Plus, he can pretend he's got some decency in him, when in fact he's hiding his betrayal to suit himself.

Your wife will need to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases from you and your young lover.

She can't consent to a marriage or sex with you while being completely deceived.

You chose every day to indulge your lust, have the strength of character to at least own up to what you eagerly chose to do.

And can I ask do you ever see your wife as being enough for you again? What does she not give you that AP does?

I don't believe the once a cheater always a cheater spiel. Plenty of marriages can and do overcome indefinitely. However I don't think it can without honesty. If you tell your wife and she decides to continue the marriage, then she will be a broken mess for months and will be absolutely triggered regularly for probably 18 months to 2 years.
However your marriage can be even better then it was if you are willing to put in the work. But that will require you being willing to listen to her, comfort her and keep doing that for a long time until your actions show her she can be safe.
There are plenty of marriage counsellers and guides who could help you guys understand.

But I really feel she deserves to know and have the option.

100% agree. Selfish act to not tell
her, doesn’t want to lose his cosy home life

You didn't end the affair, it ended because of circumstance. So I would tell her because you will do it again. You don't love her and she deserves to be loved.

You will do it again. Try to convince yourself all you like that you’ll be the best husband ever 🤮 all you like, but you won’t.

Jesus can’t you see all the people you’ve hurt here? Your poor kids. I really don’t get such selfishness.

Grow the fuck up.

All the posters on threads like this who advise the cheater to keep their filthy secret- would you be happy with your spouse splurging family money on indulging their lust? Putting you at risk of multiple diseases? The utter contempt it takes for someone to indulge in an affair instead of just being a halfway decent person and divorcing?

May such 'love' never find me.

Exactly this. Someone who cheats for 9 MONTHS and gets away with it will do it again. She needs to know, poor woman. Your marriage is a lie.