Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[PolarBearBear]

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

Welcome to MN. This follows many handfuls of nearly identical threads by female posters who’ve done the same and the overwhelming response is don’t tell.

You are not over your affair partner. So, you will eventually try again. Or try with a new one. You owe it to your wife to tell all. Let her have some agency over her life. She will be hurt, but she needs to know so that she works out what is right for her.

I was thinking about it but I will stop. I just want to focus on my marrige now. And put this in the past.

Your poor wife. She doesn't deserve what you did to her you selfish man. Do the decent thing and confess so she can make an informed decision of what to do with the relationship that you wrecked.

I've never said that and never will. But the same break down of people will say the same things regardless of it being male or female. Just like we'll get the same bullshit about how the answer would be different if...
But you should tell her. You have no right to make such big decisions for someone else's life. She isn't an extension of you.

You will do it again. So tell her now and let her get on with a new life that doesn't involve being lied to, no doubt gaslighted and manipulated into thinking you are a good partner.

Another thread was discussing engagement bait threads and it’s clear what they meant now 😕

What do you mean you keep thinking about the affair? As in you miss it?

Take it to the grave.

There just might be a slim chance she’ll find out sometime in the future in which case deal with it then.

The passing of time and you putting more into your marriage every single day is going to help get you over your current obsession with the OW. Work really hard at that.

Kinda. But I'm just going to block thse thaughts out now. And focus on my marrige.

If you really do love your wife and not just your life together, maybe you should dig deep and be honest with yourself about what's best for her. About whether it really was just a terrible one-off (for months...) mistake and you're really 'over it and committed'. Or whether you think you might do it again down the line, honestly. About how you can love her so much and treat her like that. Why is that? Try to respect her as the mother of your kids and your life partner, and act accordingly. Maybe you are genuinely sorry and have made a huge, selfish mistake, and you really could have a happy ever after? I'm sure it's happened before. But if you know deep down you're a dick who's just going to do this again eventually, then just be honest with yourself and her.

I'm not going to do it again.

Confessing would allow your wife to make an informed decision about whether or not to continue being married to a cheater. To deprive her of that agency is the act of a shitty, self-centered coward. For the avoidance of doubt I would, and have, advocated exactly the same whether it's a man who's the cheater or a woman.

Scrape together what's left of your personal integrity and love for your wife and own up to what you freely chose to do.

Exactly this. The Friday night spike.

I think I'll just take it to the grave. And be the best husband I can be from now on. If she never finds out she will never be hurt.

Well leaving should be an option. Cowards way out, not only would you have cheated on her but you haven’t even given her the opportunity to make her own decision on whether she wants to be with you.

9 months is not an ‘oops what was I thinking’ mistake. It’s a prolonged betrayal. You say you’re committed to your wife now, but the 24 year old is out of the picture, no longer available. But another opportunity will present itself, and you’ll think that as you got away with it the first time….

You need to tell your wife. You are not who she thinks you are.

I would say the same to a woman friend.

I'd guess you're not who you think you are, either, OP

If you'd already decided that you were going to continue lying to your wife while pretending that you're lying to her for her own benefit, why did you bother posting here? You're going to take the coward's way out anyway, so what was the point?

Just wanted to see what mumsetters will say.

But you are thinking about it, and have posted to talk about the fact that you are thinking about it. Have you considered therapy? Your behaviour isn’t happenstance, and if you don’t address whatever is causing you to self sabotage, it’s only a matter of time before you will do it again.

I wish my ExH had never told me. He actually left for the AP but if I’d never known my DCs life would be so much better. It ripped my whole world apart and that of my DC.

Never tell. Never do anything like it again. Be a devoted spouse for the rest of your life.

If you had an affair. you don't truly love your wife.
You have to live with this.
The guilt got too much and I realised I loved my wife is total bollocks. You are only interested in your self and if your wife finds about the affair, she will leave.
You can live with the fact that you didn't listen to your wife when you were married. You didn't bother putting the effort in. But sourced a new model. You seeked the lazy way out. You didn't/don't truly love your wife. Let her find someone who can truly adore and love her.
I have no good words for you, but I do hope wife discovers your affair, so she can go off and find a man who truly loves her,
You truly are the lowest human being Ive seen a message from in a long time.

I think therapy will help you work through this dilemma because it's not straightforward. Saying that you will never cheat on her again and be the best husband is easier said than done, if your actions are consuming your mind all the time. Are you with your wife out of guilt or because you love her? Are you going to be the 'best husband' to alleviate your own guilt or because it is genuinely what you want? You can't fake your way through life and make yourself feel miserable. Therapy could help you reach a decision and if that is either ending the relationship or being honest with your wife, then so be it.

Gosh, you really have no real desire whatsoever to engage with the very opinions you requested, do you?