There We Are Then - part 5. Dickswinging with a cocktail sausage continues 🤣

[mummy917]

Follow on from the last thread xx

Yes, X will almost certainly be steaming. How very dare you move on ? He will start to issue a few rules.
I'd probably get a choice retort prepared:

Him: So you've got a new BF ?
You: Raised eybrow
Him: Didn't take you long
You: If I remember clearly you threw me out with the trash
Him: The DC have had enough upheaval.
You: No shit Sherlock
Him: I forbid you to bring this Jock into my children's lives.
You: Gosh what a vivid imagination you have.

Yes OP, how very dare you move on! You are supposed to stay in mourning forever!

I'm all for a fuck buddy, it suited my purpose after being widowed, but have a think about female colleagues, who have had sex with other colleagues and if they haven't lost respect, been subjected to gossip etc, crack on. But there are hundreds of men to choose from who are up for no strings sex. Run it passed your friends. Work and friends have been a blessing. It's all working out fantastically well.

FWIW, my late husband and I met at work. We were married 27 years.

I only fancy him and we have sent a few messages and been flirty at work, I’m definitely not about to jump on him but wouldn’t be opposed to a bit of fun. I think him more so because I know him, he’s familiar and I’d feel comfortable with him.

I don't see any harm in this at all. You've got plenty of time where your kids aren't about, you've obviously known this guy for a while and I'm sure he's not a mad axe murderer, or you'd have noticed by now! Meeting someone from online dating is probably far riskier. And who knows, it might turn into something.

Exactly. That was my thinking too and it’s something without any pressure.

As long as you are feeling strong enough, you should enjoy yourself x
You deserve it.

@mummy917

After a disastrous office romance in my 20s I've always advised 'don't shit where you eat'. But you aren't a 20 year old and you've been through enough to (hopefully) not wear your heart of your sleeve.

All I'd advise is that if you do decide to proceed that you 'review' your feelings frequently and be as discreet as you can. Not because you're doing anything 'wrong' but because if it does go tits up no one will know it even happened in the first place. One of the hardest things about my office romance disaster was that after it ended (badly) everyone in the office knew about it. The 'pity' was as bad as having to see him every day.

I'm just going to post this - in the full and certain knowledge that I will be reviled and despised and probably bring a ton of abuse raining down upon me, which will deeply sadden me as I have been a follower and supporter of @mummy917 since day 1 of the first Blindsided thread. But I have to say - please take care with the new bit of flirty and physical fun. No-one deserves it more - but at this point in time there is much, much more at stake.

We all know old tattoo-ink-for-brains has revealed himself to be a conniving, malevolent nasty PoS. But when he finds out that there is a new man on the scene - and he will - someone will see, say or find something - it will play right into his hands. And he is already on notice because of the comment about a night out with Ellie and the lingerie delivery. Believe me, I know exactly how the script goes on this. It absolutely doesn't matter that it only happened after he had left. This is not how it will be twisted and spun.

He will claim that he "always knew/suspected" that you were seeing another man behind his back for a long time and that is why he "had no choice but to move out". That "your affair" had been going on at work for ages while he looked the other way. The guy is someone who @mummy917 has worked with for some time, right...?

Twat's mother will believe him despite any denials or lack of evidence. Because it gives her an out from realising that her precious son is a family-deserting little sh~t. He's exonerated, and how he must have suffered, knowing his wife was at it behind their backs for months with the guy from work. Encounters while handing over the children with her will become unbearable.

Twattoo will play the card for all it's worth, to all parents and, sadly, before the children too. "Daddy never wanted to leave, but mummy was..."

It would be dealing him a hand full of aces to play. I do want @mummy917 to have her joy, and her happiness in every possible way, but am concerned that this is not the time - while things around the divorce are still so heavily in play.

I'm sorry to sound so negative. I'm going to slink off out with the dog now, while everyone can tell me what a nasty, evil and frankly ridiculous joyless idiot I am.

Continuing to send very best wishes for future happiness to @mummy917 and her children. x

I have to say that I agree with @REP22 , for the sake of a few months until the divorce and financials are finalised, I am not sure its worth the risk just now.

Actually I feel the opposite of how you think your comment would be perceived. I’d never thought of it in that way but you do make some very good and valid points. It’s exactly the kind of thing he’d twist and try and turn against me.

Thanks for being kinder than I deserve @mummy917. You're lovely. So many of us - me included - wish for your happiness and fulfilment in the future in every possible way, both physically and psychologically. It would grieve me deeply to hear that the wretched scrotesac who upended your and your childrens' lives so meanly had even the merest moment of triumph at your expense.

Stay fabulous - I continue to be in awe of you and your strength. x

@mummy917

I think @REP makes a lot of good points. It's quite possible that time passing will make it harder to make any spurious accusations. Or it will make it harder for anyone to believe him.

Or as I cautioned upthread, be extremely discreet. You are doing nothing wrong, but just to be safe you need to keep things 'secret'. And that may not be acceptable to the 'object of your attention'.

I think we know the spirit in which you made those points. Sadly, lots of us have experience of how loserville exs can twist things. No hate from me.

You’re not a joyless freak but what you are doing is encouraging OP to live her life in fear of what her ex-husband will do or say. Essentially you are advocating for her to live controlled by him and his behaviour, as she was during their marriage. And that’s a really harmful narrative to push.

Gently, I would encourage you to explore these feelings with a therapist or someone close to you. Your words contain a lot of hurt and fear and that must be really hard to cope with. But you are not OP and she shouldn’t live her life in the way you’ve suggested.

Whether or not OP’s flirtation progresses, she is doing nothing wrong. Pursuing something for her own joy and pleasure is exactly what she should be doing after everything she has been through. It has absolutely nothing to do with her ex.

Please think carefully about the impact your words might have on OP or on others reading this who are in a similar position.

Also, abusive men don’t need an excuse to be abusive. Men generally don’t need proof to spread lies or say hurtful things. Thinking that you can adapt your behaviour to avoid it is harmful thinking. Assuming that OPs ex has some kind of special power to find out information, is exactly what keeps women trapped. He will say whatever he wants to say, he will believe whatever narrative he wishes to believe. The healthiest and best thing Op can do is to live her life in spite of that fact.

I also think that a casual fling with a colleague is a bad idea but for different reasons. I don't work in healthcare and I know the culture there is that lots of people have flings etc with colleagues much more so than industries where it's written into contracts that staff aren't to have relationships however, whilst someone you know and work with may apparently be a better bet than someone you meet in the pub or on a dating site, there's potential for it to cause big problems at work and also if you were to end it and he doesn't want to, or vice versa. You only know what he's like as a colleague, not as a casual shag. I'm not saying your judgement is not sound I am just saying be very very careful. Your need for him to be discreet to avoid your ex and kids and colleagues finding out makes you very vulnerable. And I have seen a lot of office flings cause big fallout for the people involved.

Yes keep it discreet, but when OP was crying & asking him to go to mediation after he lobbed the grenade into her marriage. at no point did he accuse her of cheating. He would have already made this accusation if he believed she had.

What she does now with her new status as a single woman is her business, Yes he may try & milk it, but he can be reminded, that he instigated the separation, it was HIM that wanted out. Obviously she is not going to go to her grave celibate & abstaining from any further rumpy

I agree too with @REP22

Twats never allow the truth get in the way of a useful narrative that gives them an out for their own appalling behaviour.

Sadly people love gossip and his victim narrative with nice colour to the story of how he accepted delivery of lingerie in front of the children, is just the sort of thing this loser would use.

He's not fully happy with how things have played out.
He doesn't ever take responsibility for himself, so this narrative would provide him with some much needed justification for his mother and beyond.

Mud sticks sadly.
I think this would rightly upset you terribly in reality, and you so don't deserve it.

I must also agree with the don't mess where you eat mantra.
I have seen far too many really nice women bitterly regret it.
My own gorgeous niece has taken a leave of absence from her job on the back of having her heart broken by a love bombing, future faker.
Thankfully she had been talking about going to Australia for a year, so this just cemented it.
She is enjoying herself there, and slowly mending her sore heart.

You have come so far in 6 months.
You are supported and highly regarded in your work place.
I would protect that zealously after so much turmoil.

Frankly, no man is ever worth jeopardising your comfort at work IMO.

Rep22 To be fair she has made some “ sadly true” good points .

I’m happy to hear anyone’s perspectives and I appreciate them all 😊

I haven’t done anything really up to now but every comment has given me food for thought.

I do agree that @REP22had some good points and could tell it came from a place of kindness and not with the intent to upset anyone 😊

Hi op I would be wary of the man in work if he’s decent you won’t want to use him. Also right now you seem very up beat which is probably the flirting with nice guy but you still have lots of emotions to process if you want fun I would look further away from work. Unless you have both fancied each other for sometime then it might work but rebounding is best with someone who won’t or can’t hurt you.

But even if @mummy917 started dating again, and There We Are Then found out, I doubt this would affect the financial outcome of the divorce?

I divorced my ex for adultery, but those grounds got divorce didn’t get me any extra money?

That aside, I would love to know how she would ever have found the time to have an affair!?!

It wouldn't affect the financial settlement in the divorce one iota.

My mother sued my father for divorce, for his active and repeated adultery over the course of their 22 year marriage. When It finally got to court, the judge told her in no uncertain terms that my father could have had a thousand affairs, it would make no difference to the splitting of assets. It's a court of law, not of morals.