Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

This too. Yep.

Why is it weird to want to speaks time with your child alone? I love seeing my mum without my partner there same with my friends

As you are aware, Op is 100% fine with him having alone time with his mother, has absolutely no problems of any kind him having time away without her, and is - quite correctly - simply confused as to why her husband deliberately hid the meeting, which meant him changing his wfh day and a 7 hour round trip by his mother.

She'd have had zero problem of any kind with him meeting up with his mother and never has had.

She has no issues of any kind with them having alone time, and never has had.

She's confused as to why he deliberately hid their meeting from her and why her mil was weird with her on the phone when she called her to say hi.

It's all clearly outlined in OPs posts.

Ah, blessed to be a solo mum, me.

Don’t create a mountain out of a mole hill and ruin things forever, it is his mother and not one to get upset over.

My mil can’t manage the trip now, and when she could she refused. The three of four times she did she made such a song and dance about the inconvenience it wasn’t worth asking any more. I wish she would’ve made the effort when she could’ve though. it’s always been us doing the journey a 45 min. She used to drive way further (across the country) for friends. Meeting for lunch really seems like an effort but it isn’t your place to have a say in this.. as for half term, it’s silly to not go. Just close your eyes and imagine the conversation. Or just imagine being MIL and not seeing grandchildren over a meet up with her son which is allowed. The nit telling you is strange, but I’d keep it very separate to nit attending a week as a family. Because he has as much right to say No, you stay here but I’m taking the kids to see their grandma

He probably just didn't want the hag of having to explain why he was meeting her alone. It's all very well saying your not controlling but you would naturally be curious as to why. If it was a serious issue maybe he just wanted headspace to think about it himself without anyone's comments or suggestions. If he didn't know he probably didn't want endless speculations.
I'm sure if it's important and affects you he will tell you in due course.
Could be she wanted to discuss her will etc but wanted to keep it private during her lifetime.

Yeah, that sounds childish.

I don't think he forgot as he surely would have remembered it when he told her he was wfh, and when he left the home with her in it.
I think he just didn't want to risk having to discuss the reason. It is a bit strange as it was a long trip for her, but really none of OPs business.

Now that would be strange. If someone tells you a tidbit of information and you act uninterested.

Which makes me think it wasn't a restaurant. Could be hospital, lawyer, venue for a surprise party/vow renewal, shop for special Christmas present for OP.
Or she was just thrown for a minute by OPs reaction and genuinely couldn't remember the name.

I understand this. Why not just tell you? You’re married, you’re aware of all the things you both get up to, from which yoghurt to pick up to how your day is looking. I agree that it is strange to keep it from you.

Ask yourself honestly, how you would’ve reacted if he had told you and you have your answer. I think he’s avoiding some conflict with you unless MiL wanted to meet to discuss Christmas plans without you.

Get a grip ffs.

I always made sure I had plenty time with my mum without my kids and husband. Also dispatch my husband off to the in-laws for lunch now and again so they can have their son to themselves for a bit. I think it’s really important for everybody.

There's a handy see all button on the first post which allows posters to read all of the OPs comments including updates and answers to questions.

It would probably be sensible to do that before posting.

Yes, this is the perfect solution, it looks like you do a lot of the childcare, is he doing his fair share? Either way, he should respect you more and not keep secrets. I presume they are having some sort of business meeting or maybe she’s making a will or LPA? I think you should both just sit down and talk, say something like, if you want to see your mother, that’s absolutely fine but please just let me know as it just makes me worry when I do find out. I feel they/she don’t want anyone else at the meeting, not just you, please don’t take it personally, it has to be something on a serious level, something a little too awkward to discuss at a social meeting, is he an only child and the eldest? Makes sense. You could ask your DH after the lunch date what it was about? He may or may not tell you, or you may discover something when you visit at half term. If you don’t go you may never find out. Anyway, you should try and get out more on your own, let him take care of the children one night and you go out with friends, or go to the gym, just have some you time. Best of luck!

I think you are being very unreasonable about this. I know if I didn’t get to see my children much, and if I had a day and could travel (even if it took me all day) I would go and see one of my children for lunch.

This is wild to me. I see my mum for lunch every week and rarely mention it to my husband who wfh (purely because he wouldn’t care or want to come!) . And I would be devastated if I couldn’t have 1:1 time with my daughter when she grows up without it being taboo to her potential partner, I would think it was absolutely none of her partners business! For example if my husband goes for a curry with mates, he often wouldn’t mention it til he’s on his way home: maybe we are a strange couple but both quite independent from one another.

Your response is manipulative and passive aggressive. A little punishment for DH and MIL for their perceived slight. Honestly, its pathetic. They clearly have a very good, private reason for meeting up alone if she is travelling for hours and he has rearranged his week. Maybe she has another medical appointment in London that day and hes accompanying her, something like that. Who knows. But you seem to think its all been done just to exclude you, to slight you, that you're now not wanted anywhere. Seriously, grow up

Good heavens! Talk about over thinking……

You really need to sort out your passive aggression, OP, or at least be honest with yourself when you are doing it, because you will massively mess up your kids and relationships if you keep telling yourself the lie that you are easy-going and have no need to control.

Fwiw, your husband is also massively passive aggressive. I'd also been hurt in your shoes and wonder if I was being punished for something. You immediately thinking the secret meeting was about you is a clue to your existing relationship dynamics and may reflect badly on him, not just you.

But you are now 100% punishing back. Stop it. For your children, if nothing else.

It’s really quite clear why he didn’t tell you - because you weren’t invited and maybe he didn’t want to upset or offend you by having to specify that he didn’t want you there (I know you said you wouldn’t have minded and wouldn’t have gone but I doubt that’s true). Your reaction towards his mum is quite a shock. It has nothing to do with her, she even told you about it when you called her (to try to prove what a good DIL you are). I suspect that the way you think you act and are isn’t the same as how you are perceived at all, which is a fairly common thing. Your passive aggressive text to your DH and cutting the half term trip short (which by the way will stress your kids out, it’s the sort of thing my parents would have done and I hated all those bullshit games) just further cements what you are like.

Did you make sure that your times with your mum without your kids and husband were a secret? OP has stated many times that she has absolutely no problem with her DH meeting his mum without her.

Well she says that but who knows really? A lot of people would feel miffed or put out if they weren’t invited to a meeting. It was a really long round trip too - maybe the DH had told his mum that he was struggling and needed to see her. Maybe he didn’t want the OP picking apart why his mum was travelling a long distance so thought it was better not to say anything at all.

I’ve really appreciated this thread as DH is a similarly closed book but he’s my closed book and I do love him even though I frequently feel quite lonely. I am going to take courage and instigate a general ‘please tell me more stuff’ convo at some point…

I am also stealing ‘she’s like the village notice board’ as that made me chuckle

He can see his mother when he likes surely?