Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

Perhaps she is also in London anyway to see a friend, going to see a show, shopping or to a medical appointment and thought she might as well combine that with seeing her son. Or perhaps she wants a personal family chat about herself or another family member.

Your plan to go for three days sounds ideal.

Once when MIL was staying with us for over a week I fancied a break from her so suggested DH take her to a nice local restaurant just the two of them. I booked it but got him to ask her. She was absolutely thrilled and said to me guess what my son has decided to take me out for a meal tonight just us two on our own. She absolutely lapped it up and took great pleasure telling various friends and family members that her son had decided to take her out for a meal tonight without me. I have done it several more times since as I see it as a win-win. Think DH finds it a bit strange and hard work but she loves it and it keeps her out of my hair. Also he should spend as much time as possible with her and thinks its perfectly ok for her to have long visits when quiet often it is me who is permanently hosting and entertaining. Hopefully when DS is in a relationship his wife or girlfriend will be ok with just us spending some alone time together.

I have been following your thread but haven’t written in so far. I am amazed at your patience with the horrible treatment you have had. Almost thinking it’s a problem in itself!

Why not just tell everyone they’re projecting their issues and bugger off : )

As you might notice I am more emotionally demanding than you. I think your husband sounds massively avoidant. After your description of his mother I thought this defense might have developed from being the son of an oversharer.

I’m sorry you have to put up with it. You sound very resilient. It might be an interesting exercise to experiment with encouraging him to open up a bit. It’s not like you’ll give away his (mostly boring!) secrets.

Id follow them lol
Whats the secrecy .. why cant your husband just say will be meeting Mum for lunch blah blah etc!
Bloody MIL's lol

Lots of people would see alone time with their parents as a thing and lots of parents would want to see their adult children without their partner always being there.

That’s because it IS dishonest. My guess is that MIL came down on a particular errand, e.g. to sign something legal or to transact something to do with her business, possibly making it/part of it over to her son, or something like that, and which your DH wants to keep secret from you.
Your MIL clearly didn’t think it was a secret, tho’ she did try to cover for your DH when you asked if they were going somewhere special the lunch. However, your DH obviously did deliberately try to keep it secret from you. Then, after you’d accidentally found out about it from MIL, your DH tried to switch the ‘blame’ onto you.

Something fishy, OP. Maybe it’s a signal to you not to be so laid back and trusting going forward from here.

I don’t get why you are cancelling your trip, your MIL was the one who told you and wasn’t hiding anything from you?

Not sure why DH didn’t mention it but seems like a huge over reaction?

You “got angry”?!

OP the man went to met his own mother for lunch. So what?!

Acc to you you are not nosy, super chill, don’t ask questions. None of which fits with this reaction.

I'm so sorry to read this @Hatty65. And you make a lot of sense. Let's hope that the OP stops here and shows some degree of respect to her MIL and DH.

Why? Don't you ever want to do something and not have other people muscling in on it? Perhaps MiL has something to say to her son that she doesn't, at the moment, want to share with DiL. It may be illness, or something about her own DH, or about making a will. Maybe she is also coming for an appointment, legal rather than medical, and doesn't want to discuss it with everyone?
I wouldn't get huffy over this. It's entirely normal behaviour. My DS drives into the city where I live to go out with me some evenings. It's not secret, but not a matter of family discussion either. OP is being a bit weird. Esp to want to cancel planned visit to ILs over such a minor thing. It makes it look as if she does keep tabs on her DH all the time and this is why he hasn't mentioned meeting his mum.

I don't think it's strange for him to see his mum on his own.

I don't think it's strange to swap WFH days round.

I also don't think it would have been unreasonable for him to take annual leave to see his mum as a pp intimated - I take a day off every few weeks to see mine! My AL, my choice what I do with it.

It's a bit weird to travel 9 hour for lunch, but ok. Could be very good reasons.

It is really weird not to tell your wife you are seeing your mum for lunch when you've moved your WFH day and she has travelled all that way.

And it's not unreasonable to leave your DH with the kids with grandmother for a few days after you've also spent time there, so you can catch up with work.

i quite agree with this. Your reaction is totally bizarre.

Missed a trick there, you should have just said you'd stay at home.

I wouldn't be going at all with multiple dogs. You have a 2 year old and one bit the postman.

I understand him. I’m not good at talking but I love it when people ask me questions to draw me out. I need to believe they are really interested in me and what I have to say. Goes back to not really being listened to I guess. So help him open up by asking questions and show him you really want to know.and he needs to know that not divulging info can be lying by omission and that’s not ok with you

You really made your husband and MIL having lunch into this big of a deal?

Jesus, traveling the round trip to see the inlaws I've done it 50+ times (driving, 9 hours round trip) many times in a day, yes it's nice to stay over but I also do not like my in laws house so I'm happy to premier inn or drive both ways. A train would be fine too but direct tickets are a bit expensive unless pre planned.

I wouldn't think twice about the situation as someone who lives far away from them.

You keep saying how you're not bothered by it and your not controlling, but only if you know about it - it's ironic.

Let her come and have lunch with her son without making it weird. And if you want to punish them by cutting the half term trip short because they had lunch without telling you then you do you.

My first thought was she has a medical appointment at a London hospital (I think that's where you are) so wanted to kill 2 birds and have lunch while she's down. Another thought I had was maybe she is seeing an aesthetics person i.e. Harley Street. There's also the possibility this has something to do with paperwork related to the business you mentioned (maybe she needs him to sign something and she didn't want his siblings to know?) which meant meeting in person. Or could it be she's made him executor of her will and again wanted him to sign something without siblings knowing.

I think there are genuinely some feasible explanations. Yes it's slightly odd he didn't mention it but if it's connected to something she doesn't want others knowing yet, like any of the above reasons, it makes sense.

I would still go during half term, I don't think they're trying to push you out. Has your husband lied before and that's why it's bothered you?

I know a few people like him. It never occurs to them to tell things unless necessary. I suppose it's the flip-side of the over-shearers.

I think your overreaction and putting it on mum's net is probably why he didn't mention it. If this is how you react to him seeing his mum alone then I can only imagine the way you react to anything remotely important.

You’re being OTT and controlling.
if it were a big secret, don’t you think your MIL would not have mentioned it. Probably slipped your husband’s mind and now you’re acting all stroppy and childish. Calm down and grown up!

Yeah, fair enough, some good points. I think I maybe projecting a bit as I don't really like my in-laws and I have to visit them over half term 😅

Hey, I’m glad you are working through this.
I somewhat have an inkling as to how you feel, my husband used to tell me to ask his PA if I needed to know anything/where he was going etc, even for his days off if he was planning to play golf!
Some men (and women) just don’t communicate well.

How is it not. Your throwing your weight around hoping to be the picked one. Honestly I think you need to do some self reflection. Why wouldn't he tell you. I think your behaviour without you realising it is an issue.

I would be so mad at that. I would disappear out of the house 10 seconds after he came in every minute he’s home for at least a week, look blank when he had a go at me and say I don’t have a pa for you to ask so I just couldn’t see any possible way to let you know my plans.

Ignore the usual weirdos who'd argue that rain was dry.

Of course it was very fucking strange of him to hide this from you. And he did hide it.

Odd.

So he changes his WFH day and YOU move out of the office you always use on a Tuesday?? WHY???
if he’s changed his days then he should be the one working in the dining room not you!!

And you should definitely do that. The way they are behaving is frankly baffling.

On this site you will constantly be told to take the hint. This is a rather large hint that they prefer alone time without you, and I'd be taking it and relieving myself of that familial responsibility.