Husband doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, has he or should I move on?

[Anon1234567891]

I should say there is a long backstory to this that I have posted about before but I will try to summarise.
Last year I became unhappy about my DH closeness to a female colleague (going out just the 2 of them, the cinema story if anyone remembers) and doing things for her, like helping her move when she split with her husband. I asked if I could see their messages but he wouldn’t show me which made me more suspicious. I later looked at his work phone, which I know was probably wrong but found some flirty messages, I then told him I wanted to see his personal phone messages which he got angry about but showed. There wasn’t anything directly bad but a lot more than I realised and I didn’t like the timing of them.
We eventually sort of moved on as he said he would take a step back and not go out with her any more but wouldn’t ignore her and say he was busy so couldn’t go out.

I know it was probably wrong of me but I checked his phone again a few months later as I wanted to see if he was telling the truth. I found he had bought her a birthday present and not told me as well as some other things he’d done for her.

I was angry but didn’t confront him as I was worried about his reaction. I made enquiries about divorce and universal credit.
He has now found that email and was upset about it. We had a calm conversation about it, I tried to explain to him that by buying her a birthday present after telling me he had taken a step back and hiding it from me felt like he was prioritising her feelings over mine. He must have known I wouldn’t be happy but chose to do something to make her happy instead. Also if he hid this what else might he hid. There are other things he’s done for her as well, some of which he deleted the messages. He didn’t really have an explanation for buying it, and didn’t seem to think he had done anything wrong. He thinks I’m muzzling him from doing what he wants. Which I suppose I am but he told me he’d taken a step back then does this. How am I supposed to trust him without any accountability? I know there are faults on both sides.

sorry it’s long. I don’t know if couples counselling would help.

I think you need to ask yourself why you are putting up with this still after all this time.
I don't think there's anything really to work out with him

He absolutely is in the wrong.
physical or not be has betrayed you, I could not get over this.
no knickers at the cinema ? !!!!!!!!!! What on earth, you deserve better than this.

To be fair….
I don’t think OP can hear any of us or take on board any advice.
She is giving this man every opportunity to hurt her.
She is being unfair to herself.
Even if the counsellor turned around (even though it can’t happen) and said he’s lying and treating you appallingly I think OP would stay with him.
For whatever reason she’s waiting for this man to ‘realise’ what he’s doing is wrong but it’s never going to happen.
She doesn’t want to leave him for whatever reasons and it’s a terrible waste of a young woman’s life.

This is how some people learn though, by following it through to the nth degree. Especially if love is involved. How many of us made a fool of ourselves because we thought we loved someone who didn't love us back the same way, and how far did we let it go before we were forced to face reality? Only then do we wise up.

This. I’ve been posting on the OP’s multiple threads for what feels like at least a year now.
I’m not having a go at the OP as I’ve been there myself
you either want absolute proof or a confession and sometime we don’t get either and that’s really hard
I’m still struggling a year on from ending a relationship that most would say had blinding red flags as I never got a definite answer

He cares more about her than he does about you. He's repeatedly showing you. You can't want this to be your life?

Exactly this. Some closure. However I feel this man is so deceptive to @Anon1234567891 and to himself and his wider audience that this will never happen.

@Anon1234567891 maybe looking at the facts is enough - he invests his time and money and energy into this other woman, this should be energy reserved only for you. I am not saying this to hurt you as god knows you are hurting enough. I am saying use these facts to protect your own energy and well being. You may need to slowly accept the fact that the version you knew of your husband is long gone :(

Totally agree. It took me a long time.
Perhaps this man will leave when the OW is settled and divorced. Maybe they have a plan.
Maybe they don’t.
I read OP’s posts here back and she repeats ‘to be fair’ and similar phrases when he is being unfair constantly. And him saying ‘well I won’t beg you to stay with me’ is horrendous. It’s just so selfish.
If this man went to this woman’s house on her birthday and checked she was in, then that’s enough for me. He’s not going round to slice birthday cake is he? And the other woman whoever she is, is the worst of us.
Sending baking pics? To be frank it is gaslighting in plain sight. It is to say to OP, oh look it’s innocent.
I think this man and woman have future plans but at the moment he needs to pacify OP and that’s what he’s doing. In his mind, he has already left.

He doesn't care about your feelings or protecting your marriage. Even now that he knows you have started looking into divorce, he is still insisting he has done nothing wrong rather than doing everything he can to save his marriage and stop communicating with this woman.

He knows you're considering divorce and he STILL won't change

Let that sink in. You can't trust him. Your marriage is not important to him. You need to leave, I'm sorry hun.

Also, it doesn't matter if what he is doing is wrong or not (it is, IMO)....because what he is doing is causing waves in his marriage that are threatening it. No one should be behaving in a way that jeopardizes their relationship. Your boundaries and feelings need to be respected. Right or wrong doesn't come into it, it's about how this makes you feel and ruining the security of your marriage.

dump

This man will never tell the truth because the OP is settling for his lies.
If she were the bystander reading this, it would be very clear to her he is a cheat and a liar and is treating her appallingly, but she isn't.
One day, if this relationship continues, her rose-coloured specs will fall off...hopefully that will be sooner rather than later.

The reason emotional affairs are such a massive headfuck is because unless something physical is happening the parties involved can say they are just friends whilst the light is being drained away from the primary relationship. They might be in denial, they might not but it doesn't matter.
It's not about them now, it's about you and how you feel. You really must accept you will never get a confession, he won't admit it, he won't stop contact with her.
Stop focusing on what he will or won't do. What will you do OP? How can you make your life better? You really need to put yourself in focus and stop pleading for some sort of resolution. It's not going to happen. Please make some decisions for yourself. I think counselling alone would be better as PP said it's just given him another way to manipulate and gaslight you.

@Maisymouse2
I love the way you assume it's just a "good friendship" the DH has with a 'work colleague'
May you always be blessed with a partner whom will always be doing as he should by you in a pure and innocent way
And you live happily ever after..........