Husband doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, has he or should I move on?

[Anon1234567891]

I should say there is a long backstory to this that I have posted about before but I will try to summarise.
Last year I became unhappy about my DH closeness to a female colleague (going out just the 2 of them, the cinema story if anyone remembers) and doing things for her, like helping her move when she split with her husband. I asked if I could see their messages but he wouldn’t show me which made me more suspicious. I later looked at his work phone, which I know was probably wrong but found some flirty messages, I then told him I wanted to see his personal phone messages which he got angry about but showed. There wasn’t anything directly bad but a lot more than I realised and I didn’t like the timing of them.
We eventually sort of moved on as he said he would take a step back and not go out with her any more but wouldn’t ignore her and say he was busy so couldn’t go out.

I know it was probably wrong of me but I checked his phone again a few months later as I wanted to see if he was telling the truth. I found he had bought her a birthday present and not told me as well as some other things he’d done for her.

I was angry but didn’t confront him as I was worried about his reaction. I made enquiries about divorce and universal credit.
He has now found that email and was upset about it. We had a calm conversation about it, I tried to explain to him that by buying her a birthday present after telling me he had taken a step back and hiding it from me felt like he was prioritising her feelings over mine. He must have known I wouldn’t be happy but chose to do something to make her happy instead. Also if he hid this what else might he hid. There are other things he’s done for her as well, some of which he deleted the messages. He didn’t really have an explanation for buying it, and didn’t seem to think he had done anything wrong. He thinks I’m muzzling him from doing what he wants. Which I suppose I am but he told me he’d taken a step back then does this. How am I supposed to trust him without any accountability? I know there are faults on both sides.

sorry it’s long. I don’t know if couples counselling would help.

If there is anything I have learned from mumsnet it is that whatever you find out at the beginning is merely the tip of the iceberg. It all comes out in the end. Gather your support crew and do things in your own time and on your own terms.

Message the other woman and ask her why your husband is mentioning no knickers at the cinema. Tell her to back the fuck off. He will be up in arms defending her and she will squirm. Get angry and don’t care what he thinks as he doesn’t care what you think, Tell him that your sorry but you felt you had to do it and of course you don’t have to agree on everything and ‘let’s just move on from it’ and ‘if you can’t then I won’t be begging for you back’. He thinks he holds all the cards and is in control. Take back your control and break some of his boundaries. My husband had a message from a ‘work colleague’ once saying she had been on holiday and bet he wanted to see her white bits. I messaged her, she pleaded innocence and said she was happily married. She did back off though, Years later and multiple similar instances I found out he had escalated to escorts. This sort of man is selfish and will always put his needs first. You are in the phase of trying to understand him. He knows you are currently head fucked and will accept whatever he does. Wake up. If you don’t leave him he will leave you,

If you don’t leave him he will leave you

I think this is probably true. Often these men want to do it on their terms. They want the wife until they are sure they are in a position to leave. They want everything on their terms - ask me how I know.

I've read all your threads- been hurt and angry on your behalf. I think this sentence from @Naurrr may be the most important thing any of us have said to you, and there are hundreds of posts to choose from.

"You get to choose the life you want."

Is this really the life you're choosing for yourself? Nothing can undo the pain he's caused and how he's mistreated you. This whatever-it-is with the OW happened- in fact is still happening. Nothing's changing. If anything it seems as if you're even more heartbroken than at the time of your first thread.

Whether your marriage continues with him hurting you or whether you take the trash out and begin healing, you're making a choice, either way.

Please choose the life you want; a good one. Don't choose the life you're enduring now. 😞

Op To say he is leading you on is an understatement pack his bags leave them outside and change the locks end of.

Sorry OP, he’s in love with her, theres not much you can do about that, he’s basically courting her on the sly. I think theres not much alternative because he knows he could 100% lose you yet he continues.

The only thing probably holding him back is that she hasn’t okayed it. If you leave he’ll just be free to fully pursue it openly without being the “bad guy”. If you don’t leave him he’ll be out the door as soon as she calls him. Either way in my view you are basically just there until he can convince the other woman. He doesn’t want to leave you, get turned down and come away empty handed. Thats why he stays.

I remember your cinema thread @Anon1234567891 and posted on that. It was obvious then that this wasn’t going away.

I’m going to be generous for a moment and take him at his word that nothing physical has happened. If true, he is willing to risk your happiness and the marriage for a woman that he isn’t even having sex with.

Once she has moved out fully and settled, he will be gone. And he will blame you.

He hid his behaviour as he knew your reaction. He knew you would not approve.
DH knew he crossed a line.

Ask DH to assess his behaviour with women friends by asking himself ..

Would I do this if wife were beside me?
Would I say this if I were saying it where wife could hear?
Would I think this gift giving was acceptable if lady friend's husband were secretly giving it to my wife?

He might want to stop and find the woman too demanding. Ask if he needs help cutting her off and treating her like a work mate.

See you in another few weeks OP.