Husband doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, has he or should I move on?

[Anon1234567891]

I should say there is a long backstory to this that I have posted about before but I will try to summarise.
Last year I became unhappy about my DH closeness to a female colleague (going out just the 2 of them, the cinema story if anyone remembers) and doing things for her, like helping her move when she split with her husband. I asked if I could see their messages but he wouldn’t show me which made me more suspicious. I later looked at his work phone, which I know was probably wrong but found some flirty messages, I then told him I wanted to see his personal phone messages which he got angry about but showed. There wasn’t anything directly bad but a lot more than I realised and I didn’t like the timing of them.
We eventually sort of moved on as he said he would take a step back and not go out with her any more but wouldn’t ignore her and say he was busy so couldn’t go out.

I know it was probably wrong of me but I checked his phone again a few months later as I wanted to see if he was telling the truth. I found he had bought her a birthday present and not told me as well as some other things he’d done for her.

I was angry but didn’t confront him as I was worried about his reaction. I made enquiries about divorce and universal credit.
He has now found that email and was upset about it. We had a calm conversation about it, I tried to explain to him that by buying her a birthday present after telling me he had taken a step back and hiding it from me felt like he was prioritising her feelings over mine. He must have known I wouldn’t be happy but chose to do something to make her happy instead. Also if he hid this what else might he hid. There are other things he’s done for her as well, some of which he deleted the messages. He didn’t really have an explanation for buying it, and didn’t seem to think he had done anything wrong. He thinks I’m muzzling him from doing what he wants. Which I suppose I am but he told me he’d taken a step back then does this. How am I supposed to trust him without any accountability? I know there are faults on both sides.

sorry it’s long. I don’t know if couples counselling would help.

He never stopped this, he’s just got sneakier. He’s choosing her over you every time. He knows you’re unhappy about his relationship with her to the point it may end your marriage.

He has not stopped it.

That tells you everything you need to know. You are sharing your husband with another woman whose feelings mean more to him than yours. There’s only one way this will go.

If he prioritised you in the marriage - he would stop. Even if there is absolutely nothing going on. The fact he won't or can't is the real nub of this. You come second in your marriage to a third party. The rest is immaterial.
This happened to me, except he didn't really know the person in real life. All messages etc.

I thought about it for ages before I confronted him. Exactly the same reaction as yours.
I wasn't going to try & beg or ask for change, or even tell him what to do.
I had my boundary, very clearly it was simply of course he could continue with his relationship. But we wouldn't continue to have a relationship if he made that choice. Simply that.
Wishing you all the best OP, it's a shit show and you deserve better x

I remember your last thread.

He was literally taking this woman on dates and showing you such outrageous disrespect (contempt in fact) I couldn’t believe you were questioning your own feelings and reactions.

Nothing seems to have changed, OP. He’s still being a dick and treating you appallingly and you’re still worried that you’re ‘overthinking’. You’re not.

Whatever he says to try to retain the comfy status quo of having his cake and eating it, you can be sure your interests will never be uppermost in his mind. Please find your anger and advocate for yourself.

He wants you to 'get over it' so he can still have his cake and yet eat it.
I don't like the tem 'gaslighting', but in this case, that's exactly what he is doing.

To an outsider, he sounds pretty horrible. You are his wife; you should be his priority. Instead, he is lying and disrespecting you, then trying to convince you he is doing nothing wrong.
Well, he obviously is.

I also was trying to avoid saying gaslighting but agree with PP it’s where you are - and that’s why it’s hard for you to work it out - because it messes with your head

Why on earth do you expect him to be honest?. Most men don't admit to affairs, you're not overthinking, you are trusting your gut. Stop listening to what he says and listen to how he behaves.....that's where the truth lies. He can make his mouth say anything.

We both used the cake analagy...it sprung to my mind as I was reading through the OP's posts.
That phrase sums up exactly what he is doing.

She matters more to him than you do.

Guilty Flowers. Someone wrote a song about that.

@Anon1234567891 I’m sorry OP. As a minimum is having a full blown emotional affair. The problem with emotional affairs it’s much harder to define than a physical affair so people in them are able to rationalise the behaviour until it’s too late. In my view there are as bad as physical affair. The only way forward for me would be full disclosure, therapy and no contact.

edited to say: found some threads that I think are from you from February? OP, kindly this has gone on for long enough. The emotional turmoil and destabilising effect it has on you is too much to carry on. Please act now.

How did he find your email?

If my partner classed as "muzzling" buying another woman birthday presents and telling them to take their knickers off in the cinema (correct me if I am wrong) you cab bet your bottom dollar he'd be getting sent to go and move in with her there and then.

Op, he said he won't beg you to stay if you leave?

I'm sorry op, he is in love with her.

I’m wondering how he found the email you sent about divorce/universal credit?

You seem to feel bad about checking up on him, even though you’ve got genuine grounds for doing so (I remember your previous thread too, and the cinema conversation was grim) but does he feel entitled to check up on you, even though you’ve given him no reason to?

The timing of those messages to you re the flowers and her re her gift is just awful. There’s nothing innocent about what he’s doing.

I remember your previous thread. You are second best to this woman. I would dump him and move on with your life.

That's your answer OP.
As painful as it is to consider divorce, I think that you will be never be at peace. His behavior has 100pc crossed and his responses /explanations are understandably torturing you.
Take care OP, sending you strength

He lies to you and disrespects you. He hasn't stopped when asked. He dismisses your feelings. He deletes and hides messages. Why would you stay, it will make you sad and ill.

Having friends of the opposite sex isn't wrong, neither is going to the cinema with them or buying them birthday presents. I have and would do all of those, but i wouldn't hide it and it wouldn't be exclusive.
Hiding it makes it look very suspicious

@Anon1234567891 he’s putting her needs above yours and she’s just a colleague, not his wife.

He doesn’t need to physically cheat to show you he’s not invested, his actions already show he’s not.

Sounds like he wants to stay married and have his bit on the side.

I don’t blame you for checking his phone, you went with your instincts and they are generally spot on.

He is a liar and I wouldn't trust him.
It may suit him to be married but his interest lies elsewhere.
Start protecting yourself OP, you are flogging a dead horse I'm afraid.

I remember your other thread and will hold your hand as I say this:

He loves her, not you. He has a comfy family set up with you that is convenient, but he won’t beg to keep (they also say that to destabilise your self esteem and make you second guess leaving btw, but yours is already at rock bottom). He won’t give her up because he is a cake-eating dopamine baby. If you want ANY peace of mind in future you must forge a life without Mr Zero Accountability in it.

He swears he hasn’t done anything physically

They all say that.

Very well put. I agree with every point you make.

He won’t beg you to stay because it will free up space for him to continue. Even if they aren’t sleeping together (yet) he is doing a courting dance to woo her.

Same shit, different day.

You're stuck in a shitty marriage where your husband cares more for another woman than you. You've tolerated this for a long time and you come and vent to ease the pressure so you can go back to your shitty marriage and do nothing. So nothing will change unless you do something to change that.

If he’s the cinema knicker texting twat then I remember your previous thread too.
I was appalled at the time at the utter lack of respect he had for you and it would appear that nothing has changed. Why would he change things when he’s getting away with doing whatever he likes?
You need to find your anger woman.