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Original poster

Husband doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, has he or should I move on?

134 replies

Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 10:55

I should say there is a long backstory to this that I have posted about before but I will try to summarise.
Last year I became unhappy about my DH closeness to a female colleague (going out just the 2 of them, the cinema story if anyone remembers) and doing things for her, like helping her move when she split with her husband. I asked if I could see their messages but he wouldn’t show me which made me more suspicious. I later looked at his work phone, which I know was probably wrong but found some flirty messages, I then told him I wanted to see his personal phone messages which he got angry about but showed. There wasn’t anything directly bad but a lot more than I realised and I didn’t like the timing of them.
We eventually sort of moved on as he said he would take a step back and not go out with her any more but wouldn’t ignore her and say he was busy so couldn’t go out.

I know it was probably wrong of me but I checked his phone again a few months later as I wanted to see if he was telling the truth. I found he had bought her a birthday present and not told me as well as some other things he’d done for her.

I was angry but didn’t confront him as I was worried about his reaction. I made enquiries about divorce and universal credit.
He has now found that email and was upset about it. We had a calm conversation about it, I tried to explain to him that by buying her a birthday present after telling me he had taken a step back and hiding it from me felt like he was prioritising her feelings over mine. He must have known I wouldn’t be happy but chose to do something to make her happy instead. Also if he hid this what else might he hid. There are other things he’s done for her as well, some of which he deleted the messages. He didn’t really have an explanation for buying it, and didn’t seem to think he had done anything wrong. He thinks I’m muzzling him from doing what he wants. Which I suppose I am but he told me he’d taken a step back then does this. How am I supposed to trust him without any accountability? I know there are faults on both sides.

sorry it’s long. I don’t know if couples counselling would help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 11:54

I did wonder if a third party pointing these things out to him would make a difference but I suppose the damage is done and I’d always be wondering

OP posts:
Usernamesalltakenblues · 12/10/2026 11:54

I remember your other threads OP.
Tbh i am surprised you haven't already ended your marriage given your H's close relationship and deep attachment to this woman. He has shown you repeatedly that maintaing his relationship with her is more important to him than your feelings and the boundaries of marruage.
I'm failing to see why you continue to put yourself through this. There are 3 of you in this marriage and unless you accept this you should prioritise yourself and end the marriage.

gravitarse · 12/10/2026 11:55

Usernamesalltakenblues · 12/10/2026 11:54

I remember your other threads OP.
Tbh i am surprised you haven't already ended your marriage given your H's close relationship and deep attachment to this woman. He has shown you repeatedly that maintaing his relationship with her is more important to him than your feelings and the boundaries of marruage.
I'm failing to see why you continue to put yourself through this. There are 3 of you in this marriage and unless you accept this you should prioritise yourself and end the marriage.

This

PetulaGordeno · 12/10/2026 11:56

You are going to make yourself seriously unwell.
The responses last time were clear - this man does not care about your feelings at all.
He is a liar.
He is lucky to still have a home with you.
But he’s now doing whatever he wants because he can.
I know it’s harsh it you are now allowing yourself to be treated like this.
You are worth more, you know you are.
This man hasn’t done a single thing to protect you or the marriage. The birthday present is significant it’s a betrayal.
There is no other choice but to end this, and only you can.

speakball · 12/10/2026 11:57

hes got you so confused. you know how many women you should be worried about when you’re with a man? none. he's created this scenario with another woman deliberately, it’s what they do. they can’t operate without a triangle. hes not good for you. he doesn’t even know how to be honest with himself.

glendabrownlow · 12/10/2026 11:59

He knows exactly what he's doing and he doesn't care. If I were you, OP, I would try to step away from trying to convince him of something he is pretending to not understand. As PP have said, start making plans. Long term, you will be so relieved to live without the uncertainty eating you up. You can do better.

AnonAnonmystery · 12/10/2026 12:01

I was on that thread and basically he wants you to accommodate his affair. You are not being unreasonable but he’s gaslighting the hell out of you.

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 12:05

Yeah he said he chose me by not going to the cinema any more but he hasn’t when he’s still doing things for her but is hiding it instead.

he says I’m just trying to latch onto anything. But this is just what I’ve seen who knows what else there is.
Also the image he paints of him just chatting in the wider office doesn’t really fit with the personal messages I’ve seen

OP posts:
brownbootsandhats · 12/10/2026 12:08

Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 11:54

I did wonder if a third party pointing these things out to him would make a difference but I suppose the damage is done and I’d always be wondering

No having a third party point stuff out to them doesn’t work because he knows other people see it as wrong and he doesn’t care

why would he care about someone else’s opinion and not yours? Does that not show how low you are in his books?

and you are probably low in yours at the moment which is why you find it hard to make the break

PetulaGordeno · 12/10/2026 12:10

Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 12:05

Yeah he said he chose me by not going to the cinema any more but he hasn’t when he’s still doing things for her but is hiding it instead.

he says I’m just trying to latch onto anything. But this is just what I’ve seen who knows what else there is.
Also the image he paints of him just chatting in the wider office doesn’t really fit with the personal messages I’ve seen

Well then stick to your guns and your gut feelings.
Not going to the cinema with someone you d shared intimate messages with is not being a loving husband.
He is literally walking all over you and I know this because I’ve been there.
If you keep putting up with this, you will get more of the same but your body knows it’s wrong and will start to break down under the stress.
Please don’t let that happen to yourself.

Naurrr · 12/10/2026 12:11

Your posts are all about him, what he said, what he thinks. What do you want from life?
This man has made it very clear he doesn't care about you, plan your life with that in mind. You could be enjoying a peaceful, happy life instead of this.

Laurmolonlabe · 12/10/2026 12:12

If what he wants to do is things for her rather than you, that's fair enough- but he can't be surprised when you check out, I doubt the colleague is cooking his meals doing his laundry etc.

Shirke · 12/10/2026 12:14

Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 11:08

He swears he hasn’t done anything physically but he can’t see that even if he hasn’t he is still crossing a line with his contact with her, he has other friends but I don’t think he goes to this level with them.

The top and bottom of it is that if he met you both now on 2 different dates, he would choose her. Is that what you want in a husband?

Why are you clinging on to him when he is showing you this much disrespect.

WinterBlues26 · 12/10/2026 12:14

He also said he wouldn’t beg me to stay which I suppose is fair enough.

This is the bit you need to focus on OP. He doesn't care about you. Why stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you? He stays because it's easier and cheaper than having to find a new place, and you probably do the cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping etc as well.

It's over. But it will be down to you to start the physical process as some men are just too lazy to do it.

DinoDoughnut81 · 12/10/2026 12:15

Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 12:05

Yeah he said he chose me by not going to the cinema any more but he hasn’t when he’s still doing things for her but is hiding it instead.

he says I’m just trying to latch onto anything. But this is just what I’ve seen who knows what else there is.
Also the image he paints of him just chatting in the wider office doesn’t really fit with the personal messages I’ve seen

He's just learnt to hide it better. Sorry OP he had no intention of ending things with this woman. If he had truly cared about your marriage and your feelings he would have ended all contact. Absolutely all. And looked for a new job or a new role away from her. But he hasn't. He's just covering it up.
As AnonAnonmystery says he is trying to make you accommodate his affair. This is really common unfortunately.
You should accept he doesn't care about you in the way he should, he doesn't value your feelings or marriage. Why would you want to stay with a man that doesn't value you? Doesn't care that he is hurting you this much? Prioritises another woman over you? Why?

Tablo · 12/10/2026 12:16

Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 11:10

I am an overthinker and find it hard to let things go, so it will always be there.

Don't let him make you think this is all in your head. You've told him how you feel and his response is to keep the relationship with her, whatever it is, and lie to you about it.

You deserve better.

Autumnishere1 · 12/10/2026 12:18

I haven't seen your previous thread, but if he is making comments regarding her wearing underwear,or not, tells me all I need to know about what type of man he is. 🤮

He has continued to he dishonest and hiding things from you, he doesn't care about your feelings. You deserve better.

Happyjoe · 12/10/2026 12:18

Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 11:10

I am an overthinker and find it hard to let things go, so it will always be there.

I don't think you're over thinking, please don't put that on yourself. However you are with someone who you have good reason not to trust. Do you really want to keep feeling like this? It's already been a long time and you're no further forward as a couple, he's lied about cutting most contact and is just trying to hide it better.

Being with someone should be easier than this.

OP, you deserve more, you know you do. Be your biggest advocate.

Lotsofsnacks · 12/10/2026 12:18

WinterBlues26 · 12/10/2026 12:14

He also said he wouldn’t beg me to stay which I suppose is fair enough.

This is the bit you need to focus on OP. He doesn't care about you. Why stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you? He stays because it's easier and cheaper than having to find a new place, and you probably do the cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping etc as well.

It's over. But it will be down to you to start the physical process as some men are just too lazy to do it.

Exactly this, hes having his cake and eating it, hes happy. He can’t be bothered with the upheaval it would cause, hed rather stay put and have you still make his dinner and wash his clothes etc. I don’t think he sounds bothered about you; he should be begging forgiveness, moving jobs etc away from this woman; but he’s done none of this but bought her presents instead.

move on OP you are far too good for all of his nonsense, he won’t change

moderate · 12/10/2026 12:19

Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 10:55

I should say there is a long backstory to this that I have posted about before but I will try to summarise.
Last year I became unhappy about my DH closeness to a female colleague (going out just the 2 of them, the cinema story if anyone remembers) and doing things for her, like helping her move when she split with her husband. I asked if I could see their messages but he wouldn’t show me which made me more suspicious. I later looked at his work phone, which I know was probably wrong but found some flirty messages, I then told him I wanted to see his personal phone messages which he got angry about but showed. There wasn’t anything directly bad but a lot more than I realised and I didn’t like the timing of them.
We eventually sort of moved on as he said he would take a step back and not go out with her any more but wouldn’t ignore her and say he was busy so couldn’t go out.

I know it was probably wrong of me but I checked his phone again a few months later as I wanted to see if he was telling the truth. I found he had bought her a birthday present and not told me as well as some other things he’d done for her.

I was angry but didn’t confront him as I was worried about his reaction. I made enquiries about divorce and universal credit.
He has now found that email and was upset about it. We had a calm conversation about it, I tried to explain to him that by buying her a birthday present after telling me he had taken a step back and hiding it from me felt like he was prioritising her feelings over mine. He must have known I wouldn’t be happy but chose to do something to make her happy instead. Also if he hid this what else might he hid. There are other things he’s done for her as well, some of which he deleted the messages. He didn’t really have an explanation for buying it, and didn’t seem to think he had done anything wrong. He thinks I’m muzzling him from doing what he wants. Which I suppose I am but he told me he’d taken a step back then does this. How am I supposed to trust him without any accountability? I know there are faults on both sides.

sorry it’s long. I don’t know if couples counselling would help.

So in short, he's gone back on his word and now he's trying to make it your fault.

Keep going with the divorce. Maybe he'll regain his sanity in time, maybe he won't.

Nellodee · 12/10/2026 12:21

You are being taken for a fool by this man. He thinks you need hard evidence to prove he is having an affair. You don’t. He is. It’s very obvious to anyone who hasn’t been ground down by lies and manipulation. It was obvious last time round and it’s obvious now. The vast majority of men don’t buy birthday presents for people they’re not shagging. The ones who do are rare, thoughtful souls. Your husband is not one of these.

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 12:23

Just to say the present wasn’t anything romantic I don’t believe but that’s not the point.
Also at the point he must have bought her present he also bought me flowers “because he loves me”. Sent me a message to say had I seen the flowers on the door cam but in the next breath sent her a message to ask if she would be in on her birthday! Obviously to give her her present.

OP posts:
Happyjoe · 12/10/2026 12:24

Anon1234567891 · 12/10/2026 12:23

Just to say the present wasn’t anything romantic I don’t believe but that’s not the point.
Also at the point he must have bought her present he also bought me flowers “because he loves me”. Sent me a message to say had I seen the flowers on the door cam but in the next breath sent her a message to ask if she would be in on her birthday! Obviously to give her her present.

Guilt flowers.

Even knowing and remembering and planning a colleagues b'day is not normal.

Ponderingwindow · 12/10/2026 12:28

The thing that makes emotional affairs so insidious is that you don’t realize you are having one. There is no conscious decision to cheat. There is no single moment where a line is crossed. It is simply a friendship that becomes something more.

The key here is that he knows it is interfering with his marriage and hasn’t ended the relationship.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/10/2026 12:28

i remember your previous thread - fact is OP he knows it was upsetting you ( quite rightly) and yet has carried on - whether it’s anything physical or not is irrelevant - he has another woman he is buying presents for and giving flowers- and ignoring his wives view on it - I would be making plans to leave him to it to be honest