Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

It is completely reasonable for you to feel sad at the thought of him with someone else. Not least because it means you are not there.

It is completely reasonable to say also that it will be his choice - you will be dead.

It is consistent with both of the above to say you want him to be happy.

It is bloody ridiculous for a grown man to go running to his mother about a private discussion on this and for her to stick her nose in.

It is not reasonable to insist someone lie about their genuine feelings when asked.

I would also be worried about someone remarrying that soon as the typical timeline for even adjusting to bereavement from a long term relationship/marriage is a couple of years. People do vary but I’d worry about it being on the rebound and a bit soon for a major commitment.

None of this. I’ve been bereaved and you’re talking bollocks.

No to think of him with someone else/happy with someone else. I won’t lie I’m very self aware and honest and I know that’s not fair to him and I acknowledge and accept that and that I’ve said the wrong thing when I should have said nothing but it was just the truth.

The OP didn’t create a huge row - the DH had a ludicrous over reaction to an entirely normal feeling (of not wanting to think of being dead or spouse with another) and ran to mummy.

I agree.

Also, I don't understand why he's so upset and angry. You haven't died, he's not on his own and this might never happen. It's unlikely that you won't be able to have this conversation again in the future.

Exactly this! Although I'm 61 now & not that fussed about getting married again or getting financially involved with someome should anything happen to my dh.
I wouldn't rule out having a new bf though. He would kerp his house, I would keep mine & we'd have sleep overs. You can't expect your dh to grieve foreever & live a lonely existence for the rest of his life. What can you do anyway? Come back & haunt them both?

I’ve been bereaved as well. Nearly 40 years together most of them married.

Is there a prize?

As for it being normal for an adult man to go running to mummy because his spouse expressed the feeling of not wanting to think of him with someone else - really?

Odd thing to say - I told DH if I die he should remarry but just try not to piss off the DC.

Says more about you than your neighbour.

OP do you mind me asking how old you are (roughly)?

For talking bollocks ? No, don’t think so.

Oh I totally agree he’s acted like a complete tit here too! As I said in post one.
But the OP has conceded to fault and definitely played a part in this row

Honesty isn't always the best policy. Why were you thinking about things you'll have no control over? When you're dead, you're dead. If he goes before you are you prepared to spend the rest of your days alone? Would he want you to?

Well you sound lovely don’t you.

It was a shitty thing to say about his relative (and appears to have caused hurt there too), and it was a shitty thing to say to him.

Being 100% honest when your thoughts lack generosity and care towards your loved ones is definitely not a great way to nurture a relationship.

She was thinking about these things while passing judgment on someone who managed to find a bit of happiness 18 months after being bereaved.

But if you did meet someone who you had a real possibility of a future with, would you say no because dead husband was my only life?

IMO you’ve said something really awful about needing to be the one and only even if you’re not even around. Hugely selfish.

Wow, some of these comments!

Not being in a relationship = “being lonely and miserable forever”, apparently?!?

Madness.

OP - no point worrying about hypothetical future problems, except to ensure you have a solid will and your assets are put in trust if you die first rather than going to your husband.

Starting a new relationship just 18 months after the death of a spouse is pretty grim. He could have waited for her to get cold first, at least. Amazing how many men in particular “move on” rather quickly. But no point discussing this further with your husband. Why did he involve his mother in your private discussion?!

Presumably, given your conversation with your DH and MiL has been passed on to the widow, the relative is a close one.

why on earth would you give such a judgemental opinion to a close relatives situation? That’s asking for trouble.

well in your first post you said you told him "if it were down to me I would not want you to" so of course he has taken that to mean you've said he shouldn't do it.

If what you actually mean is "the thought of me being dead and you moving on makes me sad because I'm considering it from the perspective of a living person. But of course I don't want you to be miserable and lonely if I die, and I hope you do whatever is right for your happiness", then say it! Surely that isn't a lie?

Your husbands reaction seems really odd and OTT and so does his mums, you were perfectly entitled to express an opinion and yes men often seem to move on incredibly quickly.

Blimey. The hyperbole on this thread! 😂

Deep down I wouldn't like the thought of my husband being with another woman, if I passed away. The difference being, I wouldn't tell him that! Ultimately, I'd want him to be happy and live his life, not spending it lonely and in a permanent state of mourning.

You have basically told your husband that if you died, you'd want him to spend the rest of his life on his own. Yes, he can do as he wishes, but he'd be doing it whilst knowing you wouldn't approve.

Frankly I think this is a bit of a selfish attitude. Why on earth wouldn't you want someone you love to be happy? In my experience anyway,the vast majority of men DO remarry or start a new relationship when their wife or partner dies,some with indecent haste IMO,like within a year. I think it's because so many men can't cope on their own.