Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

I would yes, but I think that’s probably an unusual stance. I’m not really one for physical contact I struggle a bit so I think I’d like a solitary life with my pets ! I’d miss dh a lot but I wouldn’t feel the need to try to meet anyone.

I think this is one of those situations where you’re entitled to feel what you like but not all thoughts and feelings need to be voiced.

We don’t tend to argue much at all this is why I’m so surprised at the reaction

Yet he does.

Give him a blessing and move on.

Yes - I need to work on this. It’s always been an issue. I think I speak before I think and am too honest.

I’ll try to talk to him and explain that the thought of him with someone else does make me really sad but also the thought of him being unhappy makes me really sad. That it’s hard for me to put myself in the real scenario as I can’t exactly die for a bit to see I can only give a perspective as a living person. I will try to word it without making it worse.

So by that metric, do you agree you must have really hurt him to get such a reaction from someone usually relaxed?
your posts here do seem very much to be a doubling down on your position rather than any form of acknowledgment that you handled it badly

You've really hurt him. You've said he can't have another relationship if you died. He clearly respects you and your opinions so would feel bad if he did move on.

Well you’ve said something awful. Maybe you don’t usually.

The only thing you can do is give him your blessing. You can say it isn’t easy etc but you have to rise above that and put his welfare first. At that point you’ll be dead and completely unaffected. Anything else is cruel and selfish.

Fuck me!! I wish my “DH” would find someone else when I’m alive so I can be rid of him - I’m not joking - but it’s an understandable fear OP because it feels like you would be thinking like I am / namely to wish away the relationship. It isn’t. Life can be very sad and lonely in or out of relationships and if one part of a marriage dies, it’s unlikely the person springs into life with a new partner in the way they would if it was an affair. Or if it was an alternative life where you hadn’t existed. You’d be there in many ways, and a new partner is like a joy and a comfort I expect , not a further voiding of your existence.

Yes I do agree that I’ve really hurt him. I’m doubling down as I was telling the truth. I do have the self awareness to see now that maybe the truth isn’t always the best. My mother used to always shout at me when I was little ‘if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all!’ I think it’s just how I am. I need to stop and think, and consider if omitting something or telling a small lie to spare feelings is necessary rather than blurting out the truth even if it’s uncomfortable

Least said, soonest mended.

I'm with you, OP. Chap across the street lost his wife and another lady moved in within a couple of months. We call her the gold digger.

I can't believe that this insane argument about a hypothetical situation has caused so much upset! Your DH could die first for a start. Why is he running to his Mum about something so stupid and WHY did someone tell his relative?! It's bonkers on everyone's part (except for the relative).

Don't beat yourself up too much, OP. It sounds like you're a very literal person and your DH must know that. He's taken this personally and hasn't reacted reasonably or in a measured fashion, either. It's not as though you've told him you've given it a lot of thought and want him to be unhappy. Any adult should understand that it's the type of thing you can have strong feelings about, but if something should ever happen, you wouldn't be frowning at him from the afterlife, if he found happiness with another woman.

I'd talk it out, but don't feel as though you've committed some terrible sin by having an emotional response to the thought of your husband marrying again. You should be able to discuss things like this without it all blowing up. A little more maturity all 'round wouldn't go amiss.

No I said he could as obviously I’d be dead and he’s a free person to do as he pleases I just said I’d be really upset and he has said that actually I mean he can’t but that really wasn’t what I meant. I think he would and I don’t want him to be unhappy but the thought of it to me is awful.

How would you be upset though, you'd be dead?

Just be like a normal person and say you'd be happy for him.

Yes exactly ! That’s what I’ve been saying. I’m saying from my perspective now of being alive that it makes me feel really upset to think of it !

Love this 😍

Upset to think of him being happy?

That's odd.

You're not planning to die? Do you know something we don't? It's a pretty nasty thing to say, there's a 50,% chance you'll go first and then he'll remember you saying this.

You’re doing it again OP!!
It’s better to be happily married and a little bit more economical with the feelings you share than to be right and express every last little thing.
Especially for something hypothetical. Creating a huge row out of absolutely nothing is totally ridiculous and yet again, you are doubling down

I don't think OP should have to lie and say she'd be happy. Everyone's pointing out that she won't be unhappy because she'll be dead, so she can't say she'd be happy, either, by the same logic. I'd just tell him you're sorry you brought it up. The whole idea unsettles you, but you love him and trust him to do the right thing, including if that means he finds someone else and remarries. You just want to put this all behind you and enjoy your lives together in the here and now. None of us know what tomorrow holds and there's no point discussing it further with people who run to mummy and can't handle a spouse with normal (if messy and inconvenient) human emotions.

Jeez OP. Are you completely lacking in empathy? Have you tried to put yourself in his shoes at all?

You have laid a massive manipulative guilt trip on him that will of course affect his decisions and ability to find happiness if he ends up widowed. That is cruel.

The answer is easy. You tell him that, although you don’t like to think about him with another woman, it’s much more important to you that he will be happy, not lonely, if you die. So whilst you don’t want to dwell on it, he has your blessing to make a full and happy life for himself once you are gone. Assure him that that is what you want.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I'd be annoyed with whoever is shit-stirring like this. What a thing to say! And I'd limit what I told them in future.

Sky