Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

I’m 40

I started a relationship less than 18 months after being bereaved. Why is it grim ? I knew I wasn’t ready for romance and he was prepared to be friends and move at my pace. Who do you think you are to dictate to bereaved people what is and isn’t a ‘decent’ time frame ? Have you experienced grief at the loss of a life partner ? And the trauma of moving into a new relationship and the rollercoaster of emotions that brings ? If not, why do you think you’re qualified to comment ?

I suspect this man involved his mother because he clearly respects his wife’s opinions and has taken them to heart. If OP is doubling down, as appears to be the case, why shouldn’t he get someone else’s’ perspective ?

You are entitled to feel how you do but I can also understand your husband being upset about it. If anything was to happen to me I have told my partner that I would want him to be happy and find love again. I would hate for him to be sad and lonely for the rest of his life.

Yeah agree with this. If you love someone surely you’d want them to be happy.
Agree about not giving anyone else my money besides my kids though!

I think you are entitled to your thoughts and feelings on the subject. I think they are all over reacting over a simple comment.

I always thought it was quite sad my DH said he wouldn’t remarry if I died while we were still young. I don’t know what he’d really do, but I’ve encouraged him to be open to the possibility.

I used to think I would try and find someone else, but my DH is much more likely to die before me (he has multiple disabilities that all negatively impact each other) and I’ve no idea what I would actually want if I ended up alone. I feel a bit exhausted at the idea, but I’m not yet 40, and if he died tomorrow it would seem a long lonely road ahead if I didn’t look for another partner.

When my husband was dying he told me he wanted me to be happy again. That’s love.

You've upset your husband, your mil, the relative in question and presumably their new partner. Instead of feeling bad about upsetting so many people or even just letting it go and letting it die down, you have decided to dig your heels in because you're right and they're wrong. You don't need to be bluntly honest all the time. But why would you lie, you ask. How about so as not to unnecessarily upset people.

I don’t think you’re being crazy tbh and I just asked my DH if he’d want me to find love again and he said “no, obviously not” 😂

I’ve set my terms out: he can find love again but not remarry, and no moving a woman in while the kids are young!

Something being "just the truth" and actually appropriate to say in a specific circumstance may not be the same. If you really disliked someone or they had been mean to you and their grieving partner approached you at their funeral and asked you how you felt about them, would you really just "say the truth" no matter how that would make them feel? That's what you've just done to someone you supposedly love and want to be happy in their life. You say you are self-aware, but it doesn't sound like you have much empathy or awareness of how your words affect others. I hope you find a way to let your DH know that you not only would just not care if he remarried someone if you died before him, but that you would actively hope that he would find genuine comfort in that. (If you can actually find it in yourself to feel that way, that is.)

You seem to be complaining (or at the very least confused) that he cares what you think about things.

What a ridiculous waste of time and energy to have an argument like this.

I’ve been in your position @OneFineDay22 And it is a long and lonely road when it first happens. My world went grey when I lost my beautiful DH of forty years but bit by bit the sun does come out again and the colour comes back into life. I was about twelve months in and turning myself inside out with grief when I met a man quite by chance in the waiting room of our local hospital. We got chatting and both of us knew there was a connection.

I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship but we swapped details and became firm friends. The relationship developed at my pace and he was supportive of me while I went through the grieving process. I lost friends who judged me for starting a relationship too quickly - interestingly none of my late husbands’ sisters were among the critics. They were nothing but supportive of me finding happiness.

Humans are social beings and it’s natural to want to form relationships. We’re capable of loving more than once and for myself, if I pre-decease my DH I would want him to do whatever made him happy.

Wow, seriously grow up! Of course he's entitled to move on if it came to it, whether or not you like it!

I wish I had time to worry about hypothetical situations.

I cannot imagine wishing my DP to be lonely and unhappy after I am gone. What a horrible thing to want for the one left behind.

Well,I wouldn't even exist if my father hadn't remarried after the death of his young wife and newborn son. He was a widower with a young daughter when he met and married my mother and had my sisters and me.They were married for 37 years until his death. Life is for living, not eternal pining.

This 100%

They didn't both invent an imaginary scenario. The OP brought it up.

I think what you said about the relative finding a new relationship is really quite cruel. It has been 18 months, not 18 weeks and if they are lonely and sad why begrudge them a bit of happiness? Even if you do privately think it's a bit soon, not all thoughts you have need to be voiced.

We had a bereaved relative that moved on to a new relationship very quickly (less than 6 months.) I think privately we all thought it was too soon but 5 years on they are very happy and that new relationship has brought a lot of joy and companionship to their lives.

Your thinking seems quite rigid and black and white. I'd be so hurt if I were your husband. I get it's sad to think of dying and them being happy with someone else but surely it's more sad to think of you dying and them being lonely and miserable forevermore?

Definitely rubble.... Just saying

Thank you for this. Before it ever seemed like a real possibility, I just thought “Yes, I would/he should remarry or at least find another partner”. Of course, still being both alive, it’s hard to imagine loving someone else. And the exhaustion of his illnesses makes me feel like just not doing it all a second time.

But I agree, we are social creatures. And honestly, more than that, I do think having a loving relationship pushes us to better ourselves. Trying to be better for each other.

I’m glad you’ve found love a second time, and I’m sorry others judged you for it. I think it shows that his sisters knew how much you really loved your first husband that it didn’t threaten them when you found someone else.

@HypotheticalDeath you're holding hard to you told the "truth".

Some truths

• seeing someone after you die is not the same as seeing them while you are alive
• if you love him, you would want him to be happy after you die whether that is living by himself or meeting someone else
• him loving someone else after you die does not dilute the love he had for you. Love has infinite ability to expand.

You're being extremely selfish. He has said that he needs a positive statement from you that you would be ok for him to move on if you die. But you prefer to shackle him to you forever, even in death.

Come back and share you feelings if you are ever widowed @LifeOnEnceladus .

Watching someone you love die is the grim bit, not making a new life 18 months later. They don't come back, you know.

Lovely, insightful post, thank you. I sincerely hope things improve for you and your DH and thank you for your kind words.

What I find interesting is so many people focussing on him being "lonely and alone".

He asked, @HypotheticalDeath answered with her feelings. The fact that he cannot contemplate a life after her death without someone (anyone?) so he isnt alone, shouldnt be a consideration of hers.

Lets look at the facts. Statistics bear out the fact that widowers are far more likely remarry after their bereavement than widows, and they tend to do so much faster. So his mind isnt focussed on the loss of @HypotheticalDeath but on getting someone new afterwards should she pre-decease him. But OP is focussed on their relationship now, and how she feels sad at the thought that he might find that with someone else.

It also shines a light on whether he is with her now because he feels the same way, or that he is scared of being alone.