Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

This was really not a fair thing to say to him, OP, and yes you do have to say to him that you don't mean it. My father died of cancer earlier this year and, as someone said above, the grieving process is wracked with guilt for those left behind, who are left in some cases trying to find purpose and meaning in their lives. He really doesn't need this on top of the rest of it, if something were to happen to you.

My friend's mother was seeing a new man four weeks after my friend's dad died.

it devastated my friend and she's never really forgiven her for that.

I’m going to take issue with the fact yr husband brought his mother into all this, AND she felt entitled to add her two bobs worth!!

How you feel, is how you feel, but for yr MIL to stick her oar in, is definitely out of line imo. What else does he go running to Mum with?

I think it’s one of those things that you don’t really consider properly until in that position. I got diagnosed with cancer last year, I went into panic mode ‘sorting my affairs’ and one of the things I did was to tell my long term partner that he has my total blessing to move on in the future and to find another partner after he’d had time to grieve for me. For me (I was 44 when diagnosed) I didn’t want to put a life sentence on him of staying single for the rest of his life purely for me. That’s crazy in my eyes. I gave my full blessing for him to feel free and no guilt for finding love again. It wouldn’t mean he didn’t love me less, just being able to enjoy his life. I even wrote a letter to be given to my daughter for when she was old enough explaining this so she didn’t hold resentment either.
luckily the gruelling treatment worked and I’m sticking around for a bit longer!

Yeah that's what I meant just too tired to get the right pronoun.

DH1 died suddenly in an accident. We’d been happily married for 30 years. Quite unexpectedly I met and fell in love with DH2 far sooner after that than anybody might have thought, and for various family reasons we married eighteen months later. Luckily DH1 and I had had the conversation where both of us just wanted the other to be happy if either of us died, so I had no guilt about it. What I did have was a weird combination of happiness in a new marriage (now approaching our silver wedding anniversary) and grief at the loss of my dearly loved DH1. I had a couple of years of therapy to help with that, and luckily DH2 was very understanding about it. One couple of old friends of me and DH1 were very judgy about it. That friendship died pretty quickly after that.

How would he feel if you said you would remarry within 18 months? Does it go both ways?

My dad got someone pregnant within a week of his wife of 15 odd years dying suddenly.

I do have a lovely younger sister to show for it, but fuck me what a mess.

Yeah. This really.

I’m more concerned about the MIL. What is she involved?

With kindness what you have said is extremely cruel to your husband & extremely judgemental to his family member.
I say this as someone who was widowed very young & I can only hope that it is something that you said on the spur of the moment without thinking through the consequences of your words. Your lack of empathy is astounding.
Are you not capable of putting yourself in the situation of being the surviving spouse & how you would feel if someone said this to you

I hate the idea of my DH with another woman if I died, but I wouldn't want him to be miserable, either. I just don't like to think about it. I imagine he feels the same way. My DH is mature enough that I can tell him the idea bothers me and that I think someone else has moved on very quickly without him going crying to mummy. Whoever told the other relative what you said is the real idiot here, imo. There was no reason for them to ever know. It's the kind of thing you expect to be able to discuss within a marriage without it going beyond the two of you.

Everyone involved needs to grow up, including your MIL.

You sound very selfish. I assume if your DH dropped down dead tomorrow you’d be single on your own for the rest of your life too?

Yeah, you feel what you feel and I get the sense you’re happy to move on but they won’t. Tell your MIL to keep out of it, or else you’ll haunt her.

All of this could’ve been avoided if you’d have just minded your business in the first place.

How did MIL get involved?

Who told the relative?

I think if it is you, imagine him dying and you alone....alone always...might be hard

You saying that you would care is lying though.

You wouldn’t care because you would be dead.

As somebody who has recently been widowed in their forties I can tell you, what you said to your DH was actually quite cruel. I hope neither of you ever find yourselves in this situation, but I cannot begin to describe to you how agonisingly lonely it is when you lose your spouse. I know that, like you, if it had been the other way around and I had died first the idea of DH being with someone new would have been traumatising to me BUT I still wouldn't have forbidden him from finding someone new, because life is long and it simply wouldn't be fair to condemn him to a lifetime of loneliness.

Wow ! You both sound really childish. Arguing over a non event.

If he dies tomorrow will you stay celebate forever

I think it makes me sad as I can only consider it from my current living perspective? That it would make me sad to know of dh with someone else. Obviously I don’t know what it’s like to be dead I can assume it’s nothingness but I can’t imagine in any way if I’d even be capable of any feeling then - probably not!

I think the way I think about things and perhaps speaking my mind / always being honest when perhaps I should make an effort to either not speak or say a socially acceptable lie to spare another’s feelings is an issue I need to work on.

I didn’t intend to hurt him so much I just thought he would end up doing what he wanted anyway but it seems he’s putting a lot on me saying it’s ok when i thought he would just act independently if I wasn’t here but he’s really taken it seriously as if I’ve told him he can’t ?

I’ve always said I’m happy for my DH to have another relationship if something happened to me but if he foisted a wicked stepmother on my children or made a life where they weren’t at the forefront of everything and they were still small, I’ll come back and haunt him forever….

What!! You'd want him to be alone and miserable? That's pretty horrid.

You are being ridiculous OP. Obviously you would rather not be dead and your husband find a new partner but remember you would be dead. It's not up to you and it's pretty rotten to say that so he would feel bad if it happened.