Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

@HypotheticalDeath You were wrong to say it. You’re basically saying if you were to die before him he’s never allowed to be happy again (unless he stays single and, I assume, celibate). That’s pretty horrible when you think about it.

I don’t believe in the after life so wouldn’t have given it any weight, but it would make me wonder about the type of person you are.

It was a weird thing for you to say and pretty selfish! If you do pass away that will be int he back of his mind. Even if you think it, best to keep that to yourself!

"If I die, I want you to be lonely and miserable forever" is quite a vibe to bring to an apparently loving marriage.

The relative passing away and the surviving partner beginning a new relationship is absolutely none of your business and you shouldn't have commented on it, and especially not in a derogatory fashion.
18 months is quite a long time. Often if the partner is dying of a terminal disease, the grieving process begins long before the death, which means that the person might be ready to move on earlier than if it was an unexpected death.

It was awful to say you'd hate it if your partner started another relationship after your death. Do you want them to be alone and unhappy for their entire life???
If you truly loved him you'd want him to be happy after you'd gone and if that meant with someone else then you should be happy for him. And if he's a great husband why wouldn't you be happy that it would make two people very happy, that they could do things together and support one another.
You'll be dead so you won't have to see it.

MIL shouldn't have got involved though and the relative shouldn't have been told what you said. And that's on DH.

Also, you say that you'd stay single if he died. That's fine and that's your decision. You might change your mind though if you were to meet someone.
But it's his decision what he does after your death.

Anyway, none of this might ever happen. You might live very long lives together and die not long after each other or you might end up getting divorced long before then.

Weird AF post!

Which of these two scenarios fills you with more sadness?

1: You die and you husband is grief-stricken and spends the rest of his life feeling alone and miserable because he doesn’t enter another relationship.

2: You die and your husband is grief-stricken but, in time, enters a relationship which provides him with a sense of connection, solace, and happiness.

The thing is that some people do live for a very long time after being widowed. Both my DM and MIL have been widowed for 29 and 22 years respectively (they’re 87 and nearly 86 now). That is a lot of years to be on their own. Neither of them have ever shown the slightest inclination to start again, although my DM did join a dating site briefly looking for male companionship.

But a lot of people wouldn’t want to be on their own for that long, and why should they be expected to out of loyalty to their late partner who isn’t even around anymore?

As an observation, I have seen that men are on the whole more inclined to remarry than women (although obviously it isn’t always the case!).

Prefacing this by saying I’m not married - but to me you sound unbelievably selfish. I totally get that you would hate the thought of your husband with someone else - but hexing/ cursing him to spend the rest of his days alone - or to feel he is somehow betraying your memory if he finds love again - is the ultimate in cruelty. You could get knocked over by a bus/ have a heart attack tomorrow- do you really, truly wish someone you CLAIM to love a lifetime left of lovelessness ? I know several widows and widowers who have gone on to find happiness again - all of them did so secure in the absolute certainty that their first partner would wish nothing but happiness for them. ( and not one of them have forgotten or loved less their deceased partners). Utter shame on you., you sound very unkind.

OP I’m a little late to the party but I think some of the comments have been quite overly critical. It’s a totally hypothetical convo you’ve had with DH and tbh I’d be more concerned that a grown man has gone crying to his family about it… do any of us hand on heart like the idea of our partners moving on/settling down with somebody else ? Even in this ridiculous hypothetical your death? Probably not. Should you have probably told a little white lie? Yeah probably. Equally should he have told one saying he’d never want to be with anyone other than you? Yes probably too. Too me the ridiculous nature of this is how he’s handled a somewhat casual sounding hypothetical… the involvement of other family in it… god the crap me and DH talk when we’re alone…. If he was reporting it all back to mummy dearest and I was getting told off by MIL it would spark actual irl arguments… I don’t think you deserve the vitriol you’ve gotten but I would work on my nodding along “yes dear” policy if I was you. Just saying. Good luck!

I asked hubs for his opinion , and he said I could do as I wanted but he wouldn't be coming to the wedding

😏

It absolutely is too soon and clearly they didn't love the person who died. By 18 months in I would maybe have taken a break from crying for five minutes. 18 months is absolutely nothing. No way could you be over them and want someone new. I would never be with anyone ever again. No one could replace my husband.
You saying you wouldn't like it is absolutely none of your nosey, interfering bitch of a mother in laws business to be absolutely frank. Your husband asking that you be ok with it is also really odd because mine would never say that! Either one of us would be forever in mourning if we lost each other! This is a huge red flag. I'm sorry you're dealing with this crap. Also do not feel sorry about the relatives hurt feelings. They need told. If you do shameful things you should be shamed for them.

What an awful, judgemental post. Everyone is different, and no-one has the right to judge when or how anyone else moves on. I’ve been through the loss of my DH of forty years and believe me you can’t predict or even imagine how you would react unless/until it happens for real. There is absolutely no shame in what this relative did, but you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself for suggesting there is anything ‘shameful’ about moving on after bereavement.

But you would be dead?? How are you gonna know it has happened to be unhappy about it? Very weird conversation to have 😂

This is ridiculous frankly. And involving the MIL and the other family member is taking it too far. You both need to grow up

Well, you make an unreasonable demand. Once you're dead, you're dead.

How you DH behaves if you die before him, is on him. Men tend to repartner far too quickly, in my opinion. But I'll judge them for that , not put constraints from beyond the grave!

But it’s not really a demand is it? She said her opinion and even acknowledged she has no real say over what he does after death. Personally I’d get married whether my partner said he’d like it or not.

His opinion is his and that’s fine, it’s not like he is actually stopping me from remarrying by for example making some punitive will conditions or something. Or telling our kids to shun me if I get remarried.

Men tend to repartner far too quickly, in my opinion

Agreed and it often ends disastrously for one or more parties. Older Men getting exploited or the women they remarry realising they will forever be compared unfavourably to their dead wife or children struggling with a new partner. I don’t know all of Ops reason but these are generally valid concerns people have.

A good marriage is a blessing and it can be seen as a bit of gamble to have a go at another one at again when things going wrong can really mess things up.

I know this an extreme example but there was an author called Helen Bailey whose husband died tragically, this lovely and very successful woman soon (I knew of her vaguely through writing circles) became serious with a fellow widower while grieving. Long story short he moved in, sucked her dry for her finances and killed her.

As sad as she was when her husband died, she’d have been better of just getting through the grief and finding joy in her writing,friends and living with her memories of a long happy marriage.

Yes most times it won’t end in death but I’ve seen many situations sour to a less extreme.

My dh would be so lonely. He'd have his friends and our dc but he deserves to not have to live his last years alone. When I had cancer I told my kids I don't want him alone and to support any friendship he may have after I kick the bucket. However I lived so he's stuck with me.

Yeah I find it depressing so many people just can’t see themselves or their surviving spouse living on as a single .

It’s one thing being open to finding romantic love again but this notion the surviving spouse must by all means remarry to be happy is sad. I almost envy people like that.

I don’t see that level of connection as common and the idea of quickly moving onto to a new partner to fill the void is beyond me.

I don’t see them as easily replaceable
and while I’d miss the actual individual I’d lost, I wouldn’t feel like i needed someone

like he's more bothered by the thought of not being able to have a new wife, than by the thought of OP dying

Well how do you expect a grown man to function with a wife appliance?😌

Whilst I basically agree with your post: husband shouldn’t have blabbed into Mummy’s skirts; MIL should’ve said nothing to either HD or the relative, none of that takes away from the point I was making about the actual poster who was looking for commentary/advice.

I don’t think that’s true - I had a date with a man widowed 14 months previously. It was obvious to me it was far too soon, but he did love his wife, and he would have progressed things if I had been open to that.

i don't think that people who move on quickly, have given themselves enough time to grieve - they cant have processed that loss and be in a healthy enough state to move forward only a year down the
line.

My dad died a year ago - I still cry every day in the car on the way to work because I hear his voice telling me I'm going too fast around corners! I'm not in the market for a new dad - people and those relationships are irreplaceable.

I think that anyone who says they were ready, is just fooling themselves and seeking to fill the gap left by the loss. Or they weren't in a great marriage to start with.

I genuinely don't think the OP did a terrible thing in saying privately, to her husband, that 18 months is too soon in her opinion. Shes entitled to her pov. The terrible thing was in mil weaponising her comment and telling the relative. No good can come of that.

In 1992 my partner found out that he was terminally ill and he died 2 months later. We'd been intending to start a family. He wanted me to be happy. So did his family. Even my mother-in-law said I should find somebody and have a baby! I think it's awful to not want the person you love to be happy if you were to die.

This is what a healthy, emotionally mature relationship looks like!

You schmooze your personality how you want. But in actuality you're incredibly selfish and love isn't about being selfish

If you are dead it won't concern you in the least what he, or anyone else, does.
A friend has a cartoon of a couple, the caption is " When one of us dies, Im going to live in the South of France"
Personally "Im going to have a chip pan".
But to be serious, if people remarry it generally means they have enjoyed a happy marriage and want another. Think about that.