Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

Why is it all about his feelings, though? Why do hers not matter?

Anyway, this full-grown man had a huge strop over the idea that if his wife died before him and he lost her, she'd be sad at the thought of him remarrying, he ran and told on her to his mummy, and his mum then berated OP and tried to convince her to tell her husband what he wanted to hear, and then went off to tell the relative private conversation shared between husband and wife that the OP didn't intend the relative to know, purely to...what, hurt the relative's feelings? Make the relative dislike OP?

And you think that OP is the one who's out of line, here? Sure, it might be a silly hypothetical, or she might be being selfish to feel that way, but her MIL sounds absolutely insane, and her husband like the world's biggest baby.

I would give my blessng to my husband to have a relationship when I die. I have never thought of mentioning it as you put doubt in to your partners head you want them to be alone forever unless that's what they want. I would apologise and move on.

Oh you’re one of those with low emotional intelligence and ‘just say it how it is’ aren’t you?

😂

I agree.

Also I find it fascinating so many people are saying “do you want your husband to grow old alone and unhappy” or saying “I want my husband to be happy again” as if he can’t be happy single.

Being alone does not equal being unhappy and being a couple does not equal happiness. Plenty of stories of people who have horrible second marriages after their partner has died. Many are exploited for a start and often their kids don’t get on with the partner so it puts a strain on the family.

I'm sure I'd be happy again, as much as I'd always miss my husband, but I wouldn't need or want to be in a romantic relationship to be happy. I'd be able to 'start living again' without a partner. You can live without a partner, you know. Plenty of single people are perfectly content and don't need a romantic relationship to fulfil them as a person, or live full, happy lives

And this - spot on @OtterlyAstounding I can’t believe the amount of people on this thread acting as if being single (especially after a happy marriage ends) is a life of misery.

This is the same website that berates women for not being to leave shitty partners. Well no wonder women put up with such crap, if society pushes this narrative onto them.

There are men and women who have never been married or in love romantically that have happy lives. Let alone people that have had that at least once.

The fact he’s kicking up such a fuss about it makes me think he’s the exact kind of bloke to lack discernment and rush out to pick a wrong un to join his family if he were to he widowed.

I agree. I can't believe that he went to his mum to tell him what you had said and that his mum contacted you about it.

Men are far more likely to immediately find a new partner after the death of their wife, often to the detriment of their children,

My dad met someone four months after the death of my mum and married her. She wasn't a nice person at all. I'd already left home but my teenage brother still lived at home and she wasn't at all nice to him.

How cruel.

If he died, would you wear black for the rest of your life and be miserable? Your attitude says more about you.

This.
Why do people assume the relationship was idyllic? No-one knows what goes on in behind closed doors. A drunk acquaintance at sa party one asked us what was the secret of our marriage as they all ( school parents group) thought we were the happiest couple they knew… We were the first of them to divorce.
A friend who was widowed 2 years ago had been in a very happy relationship for a year now. Many (deeply unpleasant) people judge him for that! But he and his late wife has lots of fun and laughter and he wants that again /and has found it.

Absolutely! I understand that of course many people will want to move on, or they want their partner to feel encouraged to move on – but not everyone feels that way, and that's perfectly normal too.

It’s very strange (especially on Mumsnet, as you say) to see everyone acting as though being single means you'll be miserable, and you need to be partnered off or your life is doomed to be sad and empty. It's also very strange that people are just glossing over the fact that OP's husband and her MIL have behaved in an incredibly OTT way, and expect OP to apologise.

Absolutely! I understand that of course many people will want to move on, or they want their partner to feel encouraged to move on – but not everyone feels that way, and that's perfectly normal too.

Exactly.

I suspect it’s become one of those threads where they are just joining in with criticising the OP as everyone else.

Either that or it’s attracted a certain sort of posters because the whole ignoring a MIL and husband’s bad behaviour and acting as if being single is misery does seem at odds with popular MN sentiment.

Them telling the relative what you said is really nasty and uncalled for. I’d be tacking them about that.

Id tell your husband that he can remarry now if he’s prefer seeing as it’s so important to him.

I told my husband I’d haunt him and if he got a new girlfriend I’d haunt her too.

The thing is though… it isn’t normal. It betrays an emotional immaturity, even beyond the self-admitted selfishness and self-admitted unwillingness to view things from a point of view not her own.

OP’s husband knows those traits will be pervasive in all aspects of her life.

Separately, yes DH and MIL shouldn’t have gone back to the relative - but just imagine if they had said nothing, and OP had waited until she could be truthful in person.

I think you’re not separating the horrible sadness you would feel over the tragedy (that would be you not being there anymore and your husband having to live without you) with what you would actually want for your husband. If you died tomorrow would you genuinely want him to spend the next 40 odd years just alone out or respect for your memory? Yes the thought is horrible of him being happy with someone else but do you really love him if you want his misery to last forever?

Agree!

Hmm. How important is his happiness to you now? If for whatever reason your marriage stopped making him happy would you expect a similar sacrifice, for him to ignore his own inner world?

Private conversations between spouses should remain private. There's no justification for Dh to go running to his mum or for mil to share that with the relative. I doubt OP would have said this to the relative herself - feeling the need to be honest to her spouse, doesn't mean she will say whatever pops into her mind no matter what! And even if that was a risk, mil has made sure the relative definitely heard about it!

the people who have the biggest attitude problem with widows moving on always seems to be the exact same people who wouldn’t call the police when the neighbour was beating the shit out of everything next door because it was ‘none of their business’ yet they’ll scratch the eyes out of a woman who dates a widow within 100 years of the wife’s passing.

What’s not normal is telling your mum, ‘HypotheticalDeath said she’d hate for me to marry someone else if she died because the thought makes her sad, and that Relative moved on rather quickly - and now I feel like I won’t be able to marry someone new if she dies!’

It’s also not normal for your mum to then talk to HypotheticalDeath and tell her, ‘you need to give your blessing to my son, so that if you die, he can marry and be happy again!’

And it’s really not normal to, instead of saying to HypotheticalDeath ‘You know you can’t mention your feelings to Relative, right? That would be very cruel’, to have your mum go to Relative, and say, ‘Oh, apropos of nothing, HypotheticalDeath was saying that she thinks you moved on too quickly. Just thought you should know!’

It’s fascinatingly weird, honestly 🙈

Do they?! That's quite a leap!

Some things are better left unsaid!! When a man is happily married hes more likely to remarry btw

And the relative who has moved on is now involved.

@HypotheticalDeath have you ever looked into autism, or experienced any severe trauma? Black and white thinking and extreme honesty CAN (but not always) be symptoms/traits of one of those.