Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

Just say what he wants. Then move on.

I see. It's just about your image. You have created an image of yourself as being honest, but you don't seem to realise that honesty doesn't have to entail saying every single thing you think. You can be perfectly honest without revealing hurtful or cruel thoughts.

But if you make a habit of speaking "blunt truths," it sounds as you might be one of those people who declare they "tell it like it is" or "call a spade a spade," without any consideration of the feelings of the person they're talking to. That isn't anything to be proud of, even if you want to believe that you're being honest.

I was surprised to see that you're 40 years old. I expected you were possibly in your early 20s, as your perspective seems that of a young person without much life experience.

Reminds me of the old story where a man promises not to let any future new wife have her golfclubs if she passes away 'because she is left-handed anyway'.

I wouldn’t want DH to be alone if something happened to me. I’d want him to find someone else. I mean yes, it can sometimes seem a little soon but I certainly wouldn’t say never. DH had been widowed 3 years when we first met and we’ve been together a decade now. He didn’t stop loving his previous partner because they died.

It's not only men who move on quickly.

When my husband's ex's partner died, a widower moved in with her just over a year later. Her kids were pleased for her; his were not.

He had nursed his late wife through cancer and had lost his tied cottage. He was going to be placed in a scatter flat.

His kids didn't offer him a home with them, but objected to a new relationship. One came round; the other did not - and one of the grandchildren wrote a letter disowning him.

They were together for a few years until he too died of cancer. When he got the terminal diagnosis the other family members did come round.

A year later, the ex had a new partner, another widower. She was in her early 80s at the time. Some people just cannot cope on their own at all.

I'll add that - again - her children were pleased that she was not her own. They accepted the new partner straight away. I'm not sure about the partner's children, but they at least tolerated the situation.

I do know a few other women who are with second partners after being widowed, but it's true that they didn't move on so quickly.

My best friend died when she was only in her 40s. Her husband nursed her and remarried in his 50s, with the blessing of his daughter and his in-laws.

I've told my husband he better climb in my coffin 😬😂

My DH has said to his dad he should try dating sites. We lost my beloved mother in law to cancer in August last year. My father in law has said but they’re not your mother. It is not about replacement though it is finding someone else who makes you happy. DH dad died in 1983 he was 26. My mother in law never looked to replace him but she was still a young woman. When DH was 6 she wasn’t looking but found someone else who became her husband and DH dad for almost 40 years (DH is 44 next Saturday). It wasn’t a replacement it was finding someone who made her happy and who supported her in life and who stepped up as a father.

Of course they should be allowed a chance to move on. It’s not about finding a replacement it is about happiness again.

How could he have another relationship, knowing that you disapprove? He'd be riddled with guilt.

You sound so funny and self effacing. I bet your DH loves you very dearly including all your quirks.

Well I've told my husband I'll come back as a ghost so he won't have to get anyone else :)

You were unkind to say that to him. A person whose partner has died needs permission to meet someone else. I have spoken with several if them. Obviously you can't do that once you are dead so now is the time.

I get what you're saying.

Moving on within eighteen months suggests that his relative didn't have a great relationship, whatever outward appearances might have been. So it makes you sad to think that your marriage might not be as important to your husband as it is to you, and that he might not love you as much as you do him. You don't like the idea that he'd get over you and find a replacement, when you can't imagine doing the same.

Everyone is telling you to just lie and say what you're supposed to say, which is that his happiness is more important than yours. Screw that. He's made it very clear that you come second by running around bitching about you to his family and creating unnecessary drama. You're entitled to a bit of selfishness in those circumstances.

Imo its bad of him to tell anyone what you said. (For 2 reasons - it exposes you as having said a terrible thing/makes you look bad, but also causes upset for the bereaved person). It's bad of you to have said it. Its also bad of you to lay future guilt on your possible widower like that. If you croak and he's got to stay lonely and sexless then whatever killed you will have effectively ended 2 lives.

I've already told my DH that I want him to have lots of girlfriends if I snuff it. I want him to live like a player and have fun!

And on the flip side if he passed then you are going to never want to find love again?

Honestly- are you still in the school playground? Grow up !

That's not normal.

It's worth exploring further.

I think it's an awful thing to say to your spouse. Truly awful. So what...if you get hit by a bus tomorrow you just want them to live the whole of the rest of their life alone? Selfish, nonsensical and spiteful.

If dh said this to me it would make me question our whole relationship.

But your 'other half' would be dead. The idea that you could just fill that void with someone else is what confuses me. Would you be miserable to be without your current husband as a person (in which case, a new one wouldn't fix that loss), or is it just that you want any husband to fill the role?

It's really interesting to see that people seem keen on just having 'someone' once they lose their DH – it's a very foreign way of thinking to me, personally. Perhaps part of that relates to how long you’ve been together, how old you are, and how extroverted you are? I could imagine that extroverts are much more keen on finding someone else to share the rest of their life with than introverts.

I think the husband's reaction to the hypothetical is super weird though, like he's more bothered by the thought of not being able to have a new wife, than by the thought of OP dying

It does seem a peculiarly controlling comment, OP. And quite nasty about the relative remarrying.

We’ve been together 15 years, I’m not an extrovert and I’m 43. I adore my husband and came close to losing him earlier this year to a stroke. The possibility left me bereft and as he was whisked away to hospital in an ambulance, I was terrified I’d never see him again. The thought of my life without him in it was bleak and truly awful.

But…at some point life grows around grief, it’s how it works. You will still always miss that person and wish they were there but at some point, you do and should start living again. And yes, that also hopefully means meeting another person at some point. Not just anyone would do but, statistically speaking, there are an absolute ton of people just as awesome as you for your current partner to keet and be happy with. And if it had been the other way round and I’d died, I would 100% want my husband to meet them and live his life as fully as possible. We’re made for human connection and tenderness and intimacy - I wouldn’t want him to miss out on that (and if he dies, at some point I would be strong enough to risk it again for those things too).

I’ll refer you to Tim Minchin’s superb song: If I Didn’t Have You. He’s 100% correct on what he says.

I don't know. I just don't think I work that way. Everyone's different, I suppose.

I wouldn't want to try to fill my husband's place with someone else. No one would be him, no one would understand me in the same way, accept me in the same way, have the same shorthand or in-jokes, or the same all-consuming love for our children... It would just make me miss my husband more, I think, because I'd be unable to stop comparing, and the new man would come up lacking in every way because he wouldn't be my husband.

Just like I wouldn't try to replace my mum with another elderly woman when she dies, because it's not about the role - I don't want 'a mum', I want my mum, and if I lost her then I'd rather that role would stand empty than try to fill it in with someone else, even if they were perfectly lovely.

I'm sure I'd be happy again, as much as I'd always miss my husband, but I wouldn't need or want to be in a romantic relationship to be happy. I'd be able to 'start living again' without a partner. You can live without a partner, you know. Plenty of single people are perfectly content and don't need a romantic relationship to fulfil them as a person, or live full, happy lives.

I just think that if OP wouldn't want to marry again if her DH died, then it makes perfect sense she'd be sad at the thought of him marrying again, and the weird part here is him throwing a huge strop (but not being bothered at the thought of her dying), telling his mummy so she could try to talk OP into taking back what she said, and then his mum telling the relative which can only serve to hurt them! It's so selfish and awful of both the DH and the MIL, over some minor, perfectly normal hypothetical feelings.

@@I am SO sorry that you’re being attacked. It’s undeserved, especially as it’s fiction. I’d like to know how would you would feel if it was dh that died first? Would you cut yourself off from any possibility of starting a new relationship for years or just some time after 18 months? Unfortunately, nobody in your family have bothered asking you for details. The idiom ‘How long is a piece of string?’ is applicable in this instant. No one knows how long either partner will grieve for so some hypothetical arguments can have hidden meanings. Perhaps for you, possibly you imagine you’d feel so heartbroken you can’t imagine loving someone new after 18 months and just possibly your more pragmatic dh thinks life without you would be so miserable that being on his own would be too difficult… A man who is so close to his mother that he’d talk to her about the loss of you, does not do very well on his own. The good thing is that he is SO respectful of you that he won’t lie and tell you anything that will pacify you. I see that as a good sign. You both need to talk about the grief you’d feel when it happens to either of you. Hopefully, it’ll bring understanding to you, both… Good luck xxxx

I think it was a really shitty thing to say about the relative.

What I can't fathom from all your posts OP is that you have clearly hurt him very deeply and rather than apologise and care about his feelings you are stamping your feet like a toddler saying your just being honest and that you can't change that. Can't you validate his feelings, show him some care while he is hurting? That doesn't mean that you have to love the idea of him remarrying, but it does mean that you can acknowledge two things can be true at the same time and that him being hurt is just as valid as you having hurt feelings.

Also the comments that you have made about his relative are totally out of line. He is allowed to be happy. You don't get to say how people are allowed to grieve or how long they are required to do so in the manner in which you expect.

Moving on within eighteen months suggests that his relative didn't have a great relationship, whatever outward appearances might have been.

Or it could mean that the relative is so bereft at his partner's passing and so desperately lonely that he wants to be happy again with someone else.

Or it could be that he is one of those people that only feel complete when in a romantic relationship.

Or it could be that he loved laughing and sharing stories with his partner so much that he wants to do that again.

18 months can be a long time when experiencing such extreme emotional turmoil as losing your life partner, reshaping your life, being thrust into independence when you are so used to having someone to lean on, the grief. It changes a person. I think it's dreadful that the OP is judgemental of him at this time. You have no idea what he is going through.

The relative's relationship may not have been perfect either. Not everyone's is. That's OK too.