Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

I think that’s a shitty thing for you to say to him. If you’re dead he can do what the hell he wants and you’re now trying to make him guilty for something the he’s not done!

I'm still amazed at how quickly a lot of men move on to the next partner after a bereavement. Is this a bit desperate?

They can obviously do want they want. But l sometimes think it is a bit disrespectful to the memory of the deceased and their family.

I also think some older men are poor sad creatures who can't survive without a women to look after them and keep them company

They are not that discerning or fussy and pick the wrong women. But at least they have someone. Poor things!

You may not PLAN on dying , but it happens !

Honesty is important to you and I understand why. This is one of those situations where two contradictory things can be true at the same time. You would be very sad if he moved on with someone else. You would be very sad if he was never happy again.

It seems like you have communicated the first but not the second. He probably needs to hear that the second trumps the first.

If you don't feel that way, I don't know what to tell you because that baffles me. I can't imagine not wanting my husband to find happiness again if I were to die, even though I hate the thought of him with someone else.

I think people are overlooking the main issue here. Your husband and MIL practically sprinted to tell his relative’s partner that you felt they were moving too fast. A private conversation with your spouse should stay between the two of you - it was a total breach of trust to pass that along and should never have made its way back to his family.

I’m a widow dating a widower, both in our early 60s. His wife had only died about 6 months before we met, my husband had been gone a few years. Neither of us were planning a relationship, but we happened to meet through a mutual friend and hit it off. Luckily his wife had given her blessing for him to meet someone else, although she probably hadn’t expected it so soon. My husband died more suddenly so we didn’t have that conversation.

Maybe it was too early for him, but he seems to be able to compartmentalise his grief for his long, happy marriage and moving on (so far anyway). We both feel lucky to have met each other after knowing what devastating loss can feel like.

only one person has expressed shock that he started seeing someone so quickly. Maybe others have behind our backs, but his friends and family have been supportive because they want to see him happy.

but judge away MN…

Christ it’s one thing to be selfish in this life, it’s a whole other thing to be selfish and mean in the next! You had absolutely nothing to gain by saying what you said other than malice.

Just to add to my post, my new bloke isn’t looking for someone to look after him. We live separately. To be fair, his house is messy and needs thorough clean but I’m not tidying up for him. I occasionally cook for him but only because I enjoy cooking. He might leave underwear or a t shirt in my washing basket if I stay over. But conversely he’s washed my knickers if I’ve left them behind. But that’s it.

I believe in the afterlife so no, I don’t want my DH to have a serious relationship if I passed before him him. I also don’t believe that you need a relationship to be happy. So this ‘don’t you want me to be happy’ crap is irrelevant. You can want them to be happy without wanting them to replace you.

What a ridiculous argument. Why should your husband feel controlled by you if you were dead?
Do you not have enough to get with in real life? And it's not helpful to feel you can judge the relative - it's their life not yours.

Sometimes it’s best to be brief .. . Of course you want him to happy. You don’t need to know how or what will make it happy. He won’t even know!
I do get it though, my dp said something similar once and I let it wash away with my shampoo it’s just not worth the air time.

My grandfather remarried 9 months after my grandmother died. He married his ‘spinster’ sister in law who had been residing in the house for many years.
In the 1940’s it was considered improper to live in the same house as a single woman, so he married her!

Instead it caused horrible feelings within the family with the adult children including my mother,who never forgave their father for marrying so soon after their mothers death.

My grandfather and Great Aunt ended up being married for 15 yrs before she then died. I just think they were good company for each other in their old age and she was more of a housekeeper than anything else..

Personally I couldn’t care less if my husband was to find himself another lady after my death. Good Luck to him.

OP I think making the comments about a relative of DH is a wee bit unkind, everyone deserves to be happy; I know a lady in her 50’s who is now on her 3rd marriage after having sadly lost both her previous husbands to illness.

Love this!! Made me chuckle.

My DH doesn’t like to entertain the idea even though I told him that I’m happy for him to remarry. Our kids have to remain his first priority however.

But @HypotheticalDeath you are most unreasonable.

It’s weird that you’re arguing over a hypothetical question.

You are being VERY unreasonable judging someone moving on - how dare you.

People who marry again quickly after bereavement are more likely to have had happy marriages in the first place.

But what about him? You want him to be sad and lonely for the rest of his life? (If you're taking random hypothetical situations stupidly seriously, then so am I 😂)

The first argument is very silly and you’re being rather petulant OP. Also your DH needs to seriously grow a pair and not run to his mummy because he didn’t like your answer 🙈

But the second thing is rather serious. Your DH and MIL both shared your private opinion with a family member and I’d be very, very angry over that. Although I’d be careful with judgement - it’s entirely down to the bereaved how they wish to handle their grief and entirely down to them when they are ready to love again. No one needs to throw themselves on the proverbial funeral pyre these days.

It's not about lying. It's about explaining yourself in a way that is kind and considers others' feelings. And it's about being selective about what you say and learning when to bite your tongue.

You come across as judgemental and selfish . I'm sure you don't mean to, but you need to give more thought to HOW you say things.

Your partner is out of order crying to his mum - and then to tell the relative with a new relationship what you said - what on earth did they think telling them would accomplish.

I am surprised by the comments here.

OP, I feel similarly to you. Of course, if I were dead, I wouldn’t be aware of it, but the idea that my husband could just move on after 19 months is already making me angry.

I think you absolutely have the right to feel this way, and his reaction is very bizarre. No one knows what the future holds, but him thinking that he could just fall in love with someone else so soon after losing you understandably makes you feel upset.

I don’t want to be just a chapter in my husband’s life. I want to be his whole life, just like he is mine. If that makes me a horrible person, then so be it.

You keep saying ‘maybe I should have lied’…but for me and it appears many of us on here, it wouldn’t have been a lie. The thought of being without my other half, the void that would leave in my life, makes me absolutely miserable. I know he would want me to find someone else awesome who makes me happy. The thought of him living life never finding anyone who tries to make him happy if I died, likewise makes me so sad.

Maybe the question isn’t, ‘should I have lied to spare his feelings’. Maybe it’s ‘why does the thought of his happiness make me sad?’

I know a lovely woman whose husband died when she was just in her early 50s. He was controlling and abusive when he was alive. His final vindictive act while on his deathbed was to declare she must never be with anyone else after he died. I hate him even more for that. How cruel, selfish and unnecessary. She’s followed his horrible rule and it’s his nasty coercive control from beyond the grave. Despicable.

My husband died aged 48 yrs when he was ill he said the only think that could make this any easier was if i promised to make the most of my life and find joy even if that meant finding love with someone else. He was a selfless man in life and death.
I would feel the same about him had he survived me.
Why anyone would object to their surviving loved one finding happiness when they are dead is beyond comprehension.

OP, you seem to be saying,

I love you so much DH, that I can't bear the thought of being replaced.

He seems to have heard,
You don't want you to be happy if you die.

Those aren't the same thing!

What I am struggling still to understand is how this escalated. Why was this relayed to MIL? Why was MIL then telling you what opinion you're supposed to have? And why was the relative informed of your comment? It should have stayed a private discussion between spouses.

A few sessions with a couples councillor might equip you both with ways to communicate feelings more effectively to one another.

I think you need to say it like "its not nice to think about" instead of saying it makes your "really upset / sad!"
its not nice to think about the 2 of you not being together but ultimately if you were gone you would want him to be happy. Leave it at that!