Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

You are showing your immaturity @HypotheticalDeath

Someone I know booted her husband out and immediately started making a play for a loval widowed middle-aged man, whose wife died very young. Needless to say he wasn't interested, and as she was so keen to get rid of her husband, I couldn't understand why she was in such a hurry to find someone else!

This 👆

I don't want my dh to remarry if I die - I don't want another woman in my house, or my children having to deal with a step parent, or have another woman spend money that should go to my kids. I don't give a fuck if that makes me selfish - my priority is how my children are affected.

I suspect a lot of the women on here who are calling the OP mean, wouldn't be thrilled either.

The real issue here is not what OP said, but that her whiny arse husband ran to his mum and the pair of them thought it appropriate to shame the OP by sharing her private conversation with the relative.

I think you have the right to feel that way, that's just how you feel. You obviously followed it up by saying that didn't matter as you'll be dead anyway. I don't get why he'd share this type of conversation to his mum and family! It's like he threw you under the bus! It's hypothetical and just one of those conversations between husband and wife that should have stayed between them.
In a similar chat I told my husband to please wait until our daughters are both adults if at all possible or he can ask my family to take them if he can't wait. He can see my reasoning why, and did not take offence.

It seems a silly thing to get twisted about and that other family ,members are now involved. But I do think Your position is inherently quite selfish. I would want my Hubby to find love again and be happy if something happened to me.

You didn’t need to lie. You weren’t asked the question. Now that you have caused him distress and worry, you need to lie to put it right!

I'm very sorry about your husband!

While being honest can be an admirable quality, thinking how it’s going to affect, an obviously quite sensitive person (& being married, it would suggest you know he’s sensitive) is something you may need to work on.
It does come across as quite controlling (& selfish ) - ruling from beyond the grave.
Perhaps a bit of back-tracking and explaining that it was an impulsive reaction, and of course you would want him to be happy and not miserable and lonely if you were to die first.

I think the human being is not made to live alone.

That said, I know widows and widowers who never start a new relationship, and I understand them Their lost spouse still fills their heart and they don't feel the need to be with someone else.

Then there are a few who started with a new partner, usually 2 to 3 years after they lost their spouse. That seems to be the perfect moment : less than 2 years you are still mourning, more than 3 years you might get set into your being-single-habits too much to adapt to a partner again.
And then there is this person I know who lost their spouse in a quiet dramatic way, was inconsolable, but started dating again after less than a year.
Who will tell?
Anyway, your husband will do as he sees fit if and when you would ever leave this earthly dwelling 🤷🏼‍♀️

Are you worried he'd prioritise finding a new partner over caring for your children? The 'why' you're feeling as you do is important. There are good reasons for surviving parents with bereaved children to not get together with a new partner/ introduce them to the children quickly / move in together at speed.

There might be some other practical/ prior obligation that should be prioritised over searching for a new partner (maybe keeping a family business going so staff don't lose their jobs, caring for an aging parent etc)

But long term most people would want to keep the potential for finding a new partner as an option, not to feel obliged to remain single for the rest of their lives.

Do you need to turn this argument into a practical conversation about wills / death planning? How would one or the other of you manage without the other?

I think it is a straw man to say that only by remarrying could her DH be happy ever again.
If they have kids, for instance, there is a very valid financial reason to not care if he has a girlfriend but not want him to ever remarry.
An awful lot of women say (and do) that they wouldn't remarry for the sake of protecting their children's inheritance, why not sauce for the gander too?

Sorry to hear that. I hope you find happiness again when you feel you are ready.

My late husband actually told me he wanted me to find someone else after he was gone. I'm not looking, but I'm grateful that he said that to me.

Why wouldn’t you want someone you love to be happy and love on with someone else if you were dead? What a horrible thing to say to your DH.

I am 58 and facing imminent widowhood as DH, aged 62, is terminally ill. I have 100% no intention of getting into any kind of future relationship, married or otherwise. I have enough relationship history to last me the rest of my life. Even so, DH wouldn't dream of laying down the law about what I can do after he's gone (although he did once threaten to haunt me, lol).

Wow. What an unkind and selfish thing to say! You want the person you supposedly love to spend the rest of his life alone and grieving you! Even if you secretly think that, at least tell him what he wants to hear.

As for your judging comment about the bereaved relative, I hope you never go through losing someone. Trying to find happiness in your life is not something bad. My good friend tragically lost his wife to cancer. He met someone new 6 months later. Unfortunately, some of his so called friends felt this was too soon and that they had a right to comment on it. He went through hell nursing his wife and he deserves every bit of happiness he can get. Those 'friends' who felt he should wait just added to his grief and guilt.

I actually feel sorry for your husband. Do you have any other narcissistic straights?

I would love my husband to re-marry as he would be useless on his own.

Well, because of your 'honest' tendency to discuss hypothetical situations that may never arise, your husband has now seen a rather unattractive side to you he was hitherto unaware of.

I don't blame him for being a bit taken by it. I would be. But tally ho.

If you honestly think that there is a high chance that he will not bother, remarry and lose all your assets to another woman's family, then maybe you should get a solicitor to write a will for you now which leaves a percentage of your assets to your children in a trust so that you don't need to rely on him (not) doing it?

I think the difficulty is that it shows a side of your character you’ve perhaps ignored.
Talk about dog in the manger!

You’re saying “Oh it’s just how I feel” as if that counts as thinking what it might be like for the other person to hear. It’s like saying “Well you are fat, and I’m just telling the truth.” It’s crass, it’s thoughtless, and it is inconsiderate,

I am not surprised he is upset.

It's strange to get so worked up (both of you) over something hypothetical

But surely you realize how utterly mad that is? Obviously the idea of him being in another relationship while you are both still alive is a reasonable thing to feel upset about...but if you die, the thought of him still loving you and forever holding you in his heart, but eventually making room for someone else should not upset you. It isn't something that would ever impact you in any way if you're no longer alive and if you love him, you should want him to continue living life in whatever way he needs and to help him heal and carry on if you die.

The way you feel about how he could move on after your death is incredibly selfish and has no impact on your present day reality. Try to self reflect on why it bothers you so much and see if you can adapt your thinking so he can feel at peace. This is definitely something that would have been better left unsaid. It's not about lying and you're entitled to feel how you feel...I'm just surprised that you lacked the foresight to realize that this feeling you have is unreasonable and that it wasn't fair to him to voice it.