Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

You both sound about 12 arguing about this. Right down to having mummy weigh in.

Oh my, I could have written this! Sounds like we are quite similar characters. I too think my DH could hopefully find someone less annoying than me!

If I died prematurely, the thought of my DH being alone for the next 30-40 years is really sad- I wouldn’t want that for him at all. He’s a lovely, kind, funny man with a lot of love to give and who really likes company- he’s an extrovert who doesn’t like spending too much time alone. He deserves to find someone lovely to spend his life with. He knows he has my full blessing to find love if I go before him.

Conversely, I would not seek a new relationship, and I’m not sure there are very many men who would want to be with me anyway 😂 I would live alone (with several dogs) and be very contented.

Lesson learned. The only safe criticism you can make about family, is to criticise your own. The pair of you are being really childish.

That's good that you recognise that in yourself and also good that you've tried to make amends with your DH, but if I were your DH, I would still be quite upset. That's because telling someone they can "do as they please" isn't really the same as saying, "I want you to be happy even if I'm no longer here to be with you in your life. Of course, I would hope that you could find someone who would love you and care for you and who you could also love were I to die." It's very possible this isn't how you actually feel about the situation and being that you somehow can't put yourself in his shoes to empathise with him, you may not be able to say anything like this. But if you really want to heal your relationship with your DH, I think you need to be able to find a way to say something like this and actually mean it because of the love you have for him.

Given that you have no control over what happens, why don't you just apologise to keep the peace? Sticking to your guns for absolutely no benefit is a bit silly really, just let it go

YTA, if you care about him then you should want him to be happy even after you are dead, whether that is with someone else or not (and that should be his choice entirely). You need to sort this out because at the moment, you are guilting him into staying single potentially against his will if something were to happen to you.

I think anyone that doesn’t want their husband to find love and happiness again, or even just companionship after their death is really quite selfish.

Ridiculous cmon you are acting like children

I don't think anyone should have to pretend to be happy about their partner remarrying. OP is entitled to her own feelings and to be honest with her partner about those feelings. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or has done.

Mil needs to mind her own business and stay out of your relationship and your partner needs to stop running to mummy whenever you don't bend your opinions to his preferences.

I think that's very mean and selfish of you, that you don't care about his happiness after your death.

Well, there’s honest snd there’s tactless.Blurting out everything that’s in your head, however hurtful, is not made somehow better by saying ‘I was just being honest’
Its not the virtue you think it is, OP.

An awful thing to say, yes

This is the way I have thought. I wouldn’t mind him having a relationship/companionship but marriage… no. I am his wife. Selfish as it is I want to be his only wife. But most importantly my two adult children must have everything I have worked for.

I’d be happy for my fiancée to see whomever he pleases if I die. As long as they’re good to my kids. Let someone else put up with him while I have a permanent break

Which of the inconsiderate ass wipes told the relative? Irrespective of how that reflects on you, it's just a nasty thing to say to somebody.. unnecessary upset for the relative.

I think it's a mean thing you've said to your husband. I get that it's not a nice thing to think about we don't want to think about our husband's with someone else specifically, but don't you love him enough to want him to be as happy as he can be after you die?

I can't understand loving someone and not wanting them to be happy.

If I was ever to die, I want my partner to meet someone else. I even hope she's an ungrade on me - he deserves the best!

OP - you are missing the point I fear. You don't want your DH to be with anyone else as you find the thought upsetting. That's a valid feeling. If you divorce, you will need to suck that feeling up and get on with it during your lifetime. However you aren't getting divorced. You are talking about a period of time after you have died. After you are dead, you are not around to be hurt if your DH has the opportunity to find a 2nd person he can be happy with. That 2nd person will never be a replacement for you and what your DH may have with that 2nd person will be a different love and relationship to the one you have with him.

DH on the other hand feels that you have banned him from ever finding love again if you die. It is unreasonable for you to expect him to stay single were you to die. You are also putting a guilt trip on him for a theoretical situation so that he remains single. He wants your permission to at least explore the opportunity to find love if you were to die. It doesn't mean he will use the opportunity or indeed chose to live with someone as a partner or spouse. Yes he could go and do it regardless of your views but it doesn't sound like he would if he didn't think you would be ok with it. If you love him, you would surely want him to find happiness after your death with or without someone so give him the permission.

Men always marry quickly after the death of a spouse and I always find it to be relatively fast and, in a few personal cases, inappropriate, but that’s my opinion. They need a partner to be happy and need someone to wipe their arses for them and sleep with. Women mostly don’t and are more than happy to be on their own. I wouldn’t pair up with anyone god forbid anything happened. I couldn’t be bothered quite frankly. I’ve always said I’d haunt my DH in jest and he’d never be rid of me. He’s always laughed. You’ve said how you feel, end of. Husband sounds like a brat.

What is wrong with you OP

I find your response to your DH very strange. If, and it can only be “if” as you don’t know who will die first, but if it is you who goes first, why on earth would you not want your DH to find happiness with another partner if the situation presented itself and he wanted to embark on a new relationship. Are you a bit jealous about the idea? If so, why? Would you not want your DH to be happy?

Also, how could you “not be happy” about it or “hate it” - you’d not be around to see it happen, you’d be dead.

With regard to your reaction to his relative, I can understand, a bit, about you being unhappy that someone remarries or has a relationship after a very short time of being bereaved, but at the end of the day, whatever you might think about it, it is no one else’s business but the couple concerned. Some people cannot bear being single after a loss, whereas other people cannot imagine ever re-marrying or taking a new partner - it isn’t for you, or me or anyone else, to judge.

(I actually don’t think 18 months is that short a time, either, for the record).

I’m not surprised your DH and his family feel hurt by your comment.

I hope you added too that you’re happy he’d want you to move on too and find happiness if it was the other way round 😄

So, if you died you would rather your DH spend the rest of his life feeling lonely and unhappy than find another partner to to spend it with? Because that's essentially what you're saying. My DH and I have had this conversation and both of us have said that we would want the other to find happiness with someone else rather than wallowing in grief indefinitely.

You have been very very selfish to verbalise how you feel about this while alive. You will be dead and to be blunt you don’t matter when it comes to what he does. I would think that you would want him to be happy going forward if you were to die if you really loved him? I have been with DH for 25 years and while as an alive person I would not like him to have someone else I have enough empathy and I am realistic enough to know that life carries on after death to wish him happiness. You come across as quite a selfish individual imo

What an odd conversation

Tell him if he moves on too quickly that you'll come back and haunt him. and that you fully expect him to try and communicate with you via Ouija board.