Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

Oh look, a jealous husband entered the thread.

You 100% know what you are suggesting is selfish. Your relative deserves to be happy after going through losing their partner. Giving your judgemental opinion has made DH see you in a new light, and I do not blame him. Maybe he thinks he doesnt know you now? If he ends up leaving anyway, you only have yourself to blame if you do not back down.

Well whatever your take should or shouldn't be, the whole thing is pointless now, as they know what you really think and I can't see why they feel there is value in holding the gun of guilt to your head to make you say something to make them feel better about something that hasn't happened anyway.

Re the relative, absolutely ridiculous they told him, but maybe just knock that on the head by saying it feels quite soon but it's none of your business and you wish him well.

Truth be told, it is quite soon.

There are lots of folk on here who seem not to like hearing or admitting the truth.

I mean you might just as easily have a strop about the fact he is so keen to marry someone else.

These things are traumatic and difficult issues, and no-one really knows how they would feel till it happens.

because she would be leaving him wth her eternal judgemental and his guilt... people dont do that to those they love.

I think this was an unfortunate thing to say. You can’t control what someone does after your death. Of course you hate the idea of your husband with someone else but most people find it in their hearts to want their spouses to be happy in future, not lonely and grieving for ever. (I also don’t think I could possibly have another relationship if my husband died but I would want him to feel he could.)

I suspect the relative who has moved on might be DHs sibling. I would want to know why someone was bad mouthing my child for moving on 18 months after their partner died.

My fiancé died of cancer when he was 40 and I was 36. As soon as he got the news it was terminal he told me he wanted me to meet someone else and not be alone for the rest of my life.

I was devastated by his death. We’d been together a long time and planned a life together. We had been so happy and had he not become unwell I’m sure we’d still be together now.

I met someone four years after he died and we’re still going strong 13 years later. I’m happy as my fiancé wanted when he knew he wouldn’t be around. I’m so glad we had the conversation and I didn’t have to feel guilt on top of my grief.

As for the timing of meeting someone else everyone is different. Some meet someone quickly, some take longer and some stay on their own. It’s a personal decision and there is no right or wrong. Losing a partner is devastating and the last thing anyone needs is judgement.

If something happens to me I’d hope my new partner met someone else if that’s what he wanted. It doesn’t meant he doesn’t love me just as it doesn’t mean I didn’t love my fiancé.

Well she's said it now. How does pressuring her into saying something else really assuage that guilt? It is what it is, and hopefully she lives a long and happy life.

ETA It's actually macabre making an issue of it right now. If one or other of them should become very unwell, they will both be in a very different headspace when it comes to confronting these issues.

I'd actually be insulted if my MIL was holding an emotional gun to my head to give the blessing for my DH to crack on with someone else.

OP is currently in a relationship and all she has said is that she loves him enough that the thought of him being with someone else upsets her. That is not as abnormal a sentiment as people are making out.

Of course when very sad situations come about, we have to confront other possibilities and realities, but right now, I think OP;s feelings are what they should be.

Agree. And I think it's bizarre and cruel for the MIL to tell the relative what OP said to her husband in a private conversation, which she never expected to go any further.

For that matter, it's a little insane that her husband sicced his mother on OP, because really - as you say - her feelings are pretty natural. And he's gone and told his mum about it, and then his mum has both tried to browbeat OP into lying to her DH about her feelings, and gone and told her relative what OP said? It's utterly mad.

Telling the relative suggests to me they are difficult, trouble-making types.

They clearly had no concern for the relative's feelings, and none for OP's should she die.

But is the actual honest truth that if you were hit by a car tomorrow you want him to be alone for the next 30-40 years? Because that’s not very nice is it. You won’t care, do you honestly not want him to be happy? I can see how that’s hard to digest for him, it’s very selfish.
ive told my dh to rewrite his will so all my half goes to the kids not to any new woman, and if we’ve been married for 30 years 6 months is too soon to move on after I’ve died, have some decency and wait for a year at least. And that the lucky woman will get the fully trained version of him so I bloody well hope she’s suitably grateful to me 😁

Op your DH Involving his mother and dragging this out has a whiff of him being an odd one, so he could have easily been equally hurt if you said you'd be fine for him to move on.

Way to make it all about him when youre the one basically being told if you get seriously ill he'd expect your blessing to move on once youve carked it 🙄

Not many of us would like to think of our husbands/wives with anyone else, but can you imagine being the one that's left on your own. The longer you're together, the more of a bond and life you build up together, each doing things for eachother/supporting/caring and just generally having eachother around. Suddenly you come home every day, no one is there, no one else to help sort a household emergency, plan a holiday with, discuss your day/their day, share a meal with, company over a coffee out etc. DH has already said he wouldn't want to do all those things without me, and I've told him in no uncertain terms I want him to get out, enjoy life - and I guess if that means meeting someone who he cares about/company, then I can't deny him that.

I don't want DH to move on if I die
I am not daft enough to say it though
You shouldn't have said anything about the relative either, totally unecessary

Going against the grain.

But I find your husbands reaction weird. I don’t understand why he’s so keen for you to be fine with him moving on.

Strange.

The longer you're together, the more of a bond and life you build up together, each doing things for eachother/supporting/caring and just generally having eachother around.

For me, this is a big part of why I (personally speaking) wouldn't want to date again when my husband dies. I've built up a bond and life with him. If he died then I'd miss him like hell and be so lonely, but I wouldn't be lonely for 'someone', I'd want him. Rather like if my mum died, I wouldn't just go and adopt another elderly woman to be my replacement mum!

It's such a random thing to argue over tbh

Although the same conversation my husband and I have had. We both agreed we wouldn't re marry! Couldn't Imagine arguing over it though.

It is weird.

If my DP said to me he wouldn't want me to move on id say i couldnt imagine me wanting to move on tbh.

Whether i would if it happened is another matter that wouldnt concern him. But I'm not a complete dick with no "read the room" skills, so i just wouldnt think to challenge him and insist on his permission. Hes so strange.

Totally agree with all of this.

Totally agree OP, I fully expect my husband to throw himself on my funeral pyre. He’d never meet anyone that compares to me anyway 😃

Jesus H Christ! What a crazy thing to be having arguments about??

My DHs first wife told him to find someone else and be happy before she died in her 30s. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want the person you love to move on and find love again

Everything changes with regard to these discussions if death is really a reality being faced.

But berating someone for not clapping their hands when negotiating their replacement is a bit OTT. Getting your mum to weigh in is even worse.