Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

When you die you have no rights , no control over anything and it's unreasonable to want him to live out his days alone. Best if you keep quiet if you want him to spend his remaining days alone.

I would not want my husband to be unhappy after I died - so if a new relationship made him happy then he would have my blessing.
Obviously I would rather not have died in the first place though!
Perhaps you are confusing not wanting to be dead with not wanting your husband to live a full and happy life after you were gone?
If you’d really just prefer him to be unhappy and alone after your death, then you are being selfish and unreasonable, frankly.

Not unheard of.

My dad died the day after my lovely stepmother’s 40th birthday, leaving her with 4 children aged 4-13.

She was beautiful and utterly lovely, so there was plenty of interest, but she didn’t want anyone else interfering with the way she raised her children, so she never had another serious relationship.

After reading some of the blended family threads on here it sounds like she made the right decision.

She had an interesting career, lots of friends, interests and a full life without needing another man.

I would also be upset at the thought of my husband with someone else.

It's irrational though as I wouldn't be here.

I think it's really odd that he wants you to give your permission.

It is a situation where lot of us would say what the other wants to hear & do what we want in the event.

TBH, men I’ve known in this situation wait 6 months absolutely maximum to move on, so 18 is commendable. Sorry but you are being unreasonable OP.

Which is essentially a nice thing to say when you put it like that.

Can you have a chat with him and explain this point, ie, “living you” would be heartbroken if he found someone else but “dead you” wouldn’t want him to be sad and lonely, and so dead you wouldn’t mind if he found someone else and in fact would prefer it if it made him happy.

From want you’ve said, this is true (so no lying involved) - it’s just that you are struggling to imagine dead you as obviously it’s not something you have direct experience of!

OP you keep saying “I’m honest” but you don’t seem honest you seem selfish.

Your DH, who you presumably love, needs something from you, that costs you nothing to give.

Stop thinking of things from your own “life perspective” and start thinking of them from his.

Agree.

You DH may well find himself widowed someday and you’re trying to make his grief harder to move on from.

Completely disturbing mindset.

Personally, I would stay single, and I feel much the same way as OP. Happily my DH didn’t kick up a fuss over it. He's more bothered by the thought of me dying (it gives him the collywobbles).

After reading these replies I've realised Im also a selfish ahole! When i was married i said the exact same thing to my husband.

You love your partner so much that you’d never give your blessing for him to find happiness again? You’d make him suffer forever?

One of the best things I read about this situation was the brilliant late actress Helen McCrory, who when she knew she was dying wrote her family the following letter: I want Daddy to have girlfriends, lots of them, you must all love again, love isn't possessive, but you know, Damian, try at least to get through the funeral without snogging someone.

My parents had a circle of friends . All couples. When my dad died one of the men in the other couples started discussing the scenario of her coupling up with one of the men if one of the wives died. He wasnt being sleazy, it was a genuine discussion. He was aghast when my mum said she'd never marry again. He genuinely thought she should marry one of the other men if one of the women died. My mum was horrified. To me his attitude felt like my mum was a widow in some 19th century village where a man had to marry you and take over the running of your life because as a woman alone you couldn't be trusted to be single again for more than 5 minutes. He ws genuinely shocked when she said she eouldnt dream of marrying one of them. Extraordinary !!!

Blimey, imagine making up situations to argue about.

Ha ha that reminds me of me. Dead inside we both say when I reject affection. I also apparently creep up on him (I don’t) and make him jump so I’d hope he’d get someone with a heavier footfall.

surely this kind of conversation should only ever be a jokey one? Really odd to have a serious conversation about it unless one of you is ill. He’s bloody odd as well , does he think you will come back k and haunt him if he remarries?!

The fact you’ve typed that out is the weird thing.

Where was his emotional intelligence in this? Op said shed be dead so wouldnt know anyway, yet hes hurt op isnt giving her blessing, and the wet paper towel even dragged his MIL into it? What a clown.

Why couldnt he use his emotional intelligence and ust say "ahh dont think about that love"?

He is our resident incel and he's always saying utterly creepy stuff about women, sex and relationships.

Didn’t say it were, I’m asking the OP if that is her stance

You sound like you might be on the younger side? As people age they realise life is short and if they love someone unconditionally they want them to be happy.
I can imagine you feel like this now but give you 10-20 years you may see where the majority of posters are coming from.

Yes you’re totally correct, I do have a selfish tendency. Often I feel a need to maintain my image as honest so will tell blunt truths to maintain that selfishly rather than think of someone else so you are correct. It’s a real issue for me. I’m not sure if it’s the full reason but I was severely punished for even small lies as a young child so maybe there’s some element of wanting to keep an honest image.

I’ve spoken to dh and tried to explain that I wouldn’t want him to be unhappy and he could obviously do as he pleases and that I didn’t mean to upset him so much .

In reality I wouldn't like to think of that but I would be happy he wasn't alone because he deserves to be happy theirs nothing worse then feeling lonely it wouldn't matter to me because I'd have no feelings being dead

You shouldn't have commented on your husband's relative's relationship and I'm not surprised they're upset - although that's largely down to the person who told them what you'd said.
As for what you said to your husband, it's pretty mean. Any of us could die at any moment (most people aren't 'planning on it') and a comment like yours could lay a really heavy guilt trip on him and spoil the rest of his life. Is that what you'd really want for someone you love? If I died, my worry for my husband would be that he'd be lonely for the rest of his life. I'd want him to meet someone else! But you do you boo - but don't be surprised if others don't agree.

DH said something similar years ago, but all I thought was, 'you wouldn't be here so not my problem' & moved on. I didn't let it worry me because I know I'd do as I pleased.

I have no illusions about DH. He'd repartner quickly. Instead I've told him to at least put some of my money into trust for DC so some other woman doesn't take it all. He won't, because he's lazy. That is what bothers me as his DF did it & everything MIL saved to leave to her DC is now going to another woman's SDC (she'll outlive FIL).

What the relative has done is NONE of your business.
I have been alone for 17 years and simply cannot bear the thought of another man. But I sure as hell wouldn't judge somebody for finding companionship or love with a new person.
Make it right with your husband, or you may find that you are the one left alone.