Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

She isnt trying to control him at all!

He asked a question, she answered and he didnt like the answer. Not the OP's issue!

You seem completely unable to separate how you would feel if he left you for another woman whilst you were alive and kicking, versus you dying, him being alone and managing to find happiness again.

The feelings you would have for the first scenario should not be confused with the second. Can you see that?

Your husband is upset at your lack of kindness and your absolute selfishness. He is reading it as your feelings are more important than his. And that you’d be sad, therefore he’s got to stay single and lonely.
What’s wrong with your emotional intelligence?

1, if you die, why do you care if he re marries?
2, your that self absorbed you want him to be sad the rest of his life, why can’t he find happiness again?
3, right now it’s a non issue….

He did not ask a question. The OP started it all .

Given the number of threads I've read on here of widows/widowers 'moving on' after losing their spouse, and then the children of the first marriage being totally shafted of their inheritance - I'm not sure I'd be too happy about my husband remarrying either.

You said something quite ordinary, and he's over-reacting. I suppose it would have been more helpful if you'd said at the time: I'm not trying to extract a promise from you, just offering my opinion. Your M-I-L is way out of line, and the person MOST culpable is the one who told the relative.

He's behaving like a ridiculous child by creating an enormous argument over something that will only happen if you're dead. If he's going to overreact and get so upset over something that hasn't happened, you'd think it'd be your death itself, and not the fact that you're sad at the idea of him remarrying!

What's especially egregious is the fact that they (your MIL? Your DH?) then went and told the relative that you thought it was a bit soon to move on - that's incredibly cruel and petty on the part of whoever did it. They're trying to punish you by hurting their relative. What on earth?

That aside I completely understand how you feel. I would also be sad, probably because I wouldn't want to remarry either if my husband died, as it would feel like trying to replace him - and no one could replace him! Or even come close to him! So the thought of him doing that and replacing me, makes me feel sad.
Happily, he says he feels much the same way, and also wouldn't want to brave dating in this day and age 🤣

Your husband needs to accept that's how you feel, and just get over it, instead of trying to badger you (by way of his mummy) into giving him your blessing. Ew.

Why does being single=being sad the rest of his life?

Shows a shocking lack of imagination! It's working fabulously for me, happier than I have ever been!

How horrid

Why would you want him to be lonely and loveless. Christ !!!

My ex husband was in a new relationship 6 weeks after his partner of 13 years had died.

Now that is too soon!

This is an oddly strong reaction.

If this situation ever came to pass, OP would be dead, so it's strange to me that the first response her husband has is 'how dare you not be fully supportive of me moving on with someone else if you die?!' and not, 'oh, I don't want to talk about that - I hate to think of losing you'.

Like, if he's going to get upset, why is his first emotion anger at her sadness in regards to the thought of him moving on and 'replacing' her by marrying again, and not him feeling sadness at the thought of losing her at all?

Finally, if she's dead he can do whatever he likes, so ultimately it doesn't really matter what she thinks.

If I die before my husband, then I would really like to think that he would find someone else rather than being lonely. My brother died several years ago, and his best friend of 30 years lost his wife soon after. I was so delighted for my sister in law when she started a relationship with his friend. She still misses my brother deeply but I think it’s wonderful thst she’s found companionship and love again in her 70s. My mum often said that she hoped my sister in law and my brother’s friend would get together once they were both on their own, and she was really pleased for them as well.

Well I can see where he is coming from although his reaction is over the top. On a side note, I was watching a doco about widowers finding love and a few of the men were on dating apps mere months after their wives passed away. I think that's a bit weird but it happens.

Told this before.

My cousins husband helped nurse his mother to her death when he was in his late thirties. My cousin went with him (ETA....her husbands father, the widower) to register her death and while he was there he booked his wedding to the woman he had been having an affair with ever since his wife got her diagnosis. He admitted that he asked my cousin to go with him so she would tell his son, so that he didnt have to. Then, on the new wifes behest, he evicted his son, my cousin and their kids from the house his deceased wife had promised was cousin in laws house for life.

Macmillan et al warn female cancer patients to get their affairs in order as there is a better than average chance that their husbands will a) leave or b) remarry at lightening speed and the second wife will take everything instead of the kids. That is where his mindset is.

I think my cynicism is for good reason.

This!
There is a (light hearted) thread going on at the moment about daft arguments peoole have had with their spouses. This qualifies!

It was a very controlling thing to say. I’m not surprised it’s caused pain.

I’m afraid you wouldn’t hate it if he had a new relationship for the simple fact that… you’d be dead!

Men are very dependent, as a general species

Men aren't a species, and they're also perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. Let's not perpetuate the sexist stereotype that they're all hapless dummies who need a woman to look after them.

Till you have been in that position and walked in that persons shoes you have no right to judge

my dh died - I was heart broken. Been together almost 20yrs and my whole world shattered and heart broke into a million pieces

I was 37 and no kids not for the want of trying

less than a year later I met someone. I wasn’t looking. Wasn’t even thinking of dating - Just happened

you will never forget the one who died. But they are dead. You are alive and need to carry on with life or else what’s the point

if someone who is windowed is lucky enough to meet someone new then be happy for them

esp as usually it’s those who are happy in a relationship who judge

being alone is lonely

That’s really selfish and unreasonable of you. Life is for the living. He should just ignore what you said, and if the unthinkable should ever happen, I hope he would do whatever he needed in order to be happy and not sink into longterm depression and despair. Loving someone doesn’t mean we should ever compromise our mental health for them. He would never stop loving you, but you wouldn’t be there, so….

I am very much my own person, so if a spouse said that to me, I would make all the right noises and then reflect inwardly on how you had no right to ask that and how my life is my own, and that I would have every right to have someone else if anything happened to my spouse. I certainly wouldn’t be accepting any guilt trips. I wish the same mental robustness for him.

It’s a weird thing to say to somebody you are supposed to love.

You’ve also criticised his relative for having a new relationship. Maybe he was pleased that they had found some happiness and then his wife says not only that she disapproves but that she wouldn’t want that for him.

I really think if my husband said this to me that I would think that he doesn’t love me. You can’t love the actual person as an individual and think that.

if you DH passed away you would stay single even if it were still in your 40s?

This was my concern.

We have experience of a someone remarrying, dying, and his estate going to wife number 2 and then her children, not his.

This is why my share of the house goes in trust to the DC and vice versa.

When we did our Wills I joked that I hoped DH would find a lovely Spanish woman to practice speaking to, as long as he didn’t actually remarry.

Unfortunately with potential changes in legislation, just living together for a few years could allow a claim. So not so straightforward. Maybe he should get a Spanish girlfriend but not cohabit?