Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

I love that anyone’s getting angry about this hypothetical situation!! None of us know what we’d do-the very people saying you’re mean can only make passion what they’d do!! (And actually some seem so angry chances are they’d put a hex on their dhes😅😅😅)

Che Guevara, while facing his firing squad, apparently had last words telling his wife to marry again and be happy.

A greater expression of love I think than wishing perpetual solitude on someone.

Well I said the same to my husband and he said he wouldn't get with someone else anyway, so it's not automatic to be upset by what you said. I also would not get with someone else. I've always preferred our honesty.

My goodness, your DH is quite the drama queen! Does he always go running to mummy to tell on his wife?

I've told my DH manys a time that he's not allowed to re-marry. His retort is always "no chance of that, you've put me off women for life" 😂😂😂

For anyone that's interested - my reasons are inheritance based, I do not want everything I've worked hard for to end up with a new wife instead of my children.

If anything happened to DH first, I would never re-marry or cohabit with another man ever again. Absolutely not.

OP - you have some emotional maturity to do here. Have you experienced any form of grief or loss? I am guessing you may not have done (sorry if that sounds patronising in any way). Your solution is to just hide your feelings (or lie) when actually I think the real solution is to consider why you need such high levels of commitment.

No i think it’s a situation where you need to think a bit further than me, me, me.

Youre talking about a situation thatvwill happen when you’re dead. Something that’s not going to impact you in any shape or form.
Telling your dh you’d be sad if he remarries is affecting him and his (potential) future after your death.

It’s not a problem of sparing feelings. It’s a problem of realising you should have no say in that future. Because it won’t affect you.

If the point was ‘I’m sad at the idea of you living wo me, of our OITs rial future not bring what I thought it would be’, that one thing.
But you to,shim he shouldn’t get remarried. Thars pretty different. That’s affecting his choice for the future.

You sound like my SIL who was in a right strop with her husband because he'd 'dream cheated'. She'd had a dream about him cheating.

Jack Dee once said an experienced couple can argue about things that haven’t even happened yet 😏
I’ve got a bit extreme views about this though, I wouldn’t be with anyone else if my husband died, it’s awful being unfaithful to someone when they’ve already had the bad luck to have died.

How selfish of you. Trying to control him beyond the grave. You should want him to be happy. And how tactless towards the relative.
Life is for living.
You should be glad the relative has found happinesd again.

WTF

Even marriage vows are 'til death do us part'.

You can't cheat on a corpse.

Surely it doesn't count as being unfaithful if they died?

YABVU

😂

I think the amount of time it takes can also depend on how you lost your husband or wife. If somebody falls off a balcony on holiday or has a heart attack, the shock is there and then and that’s when the grief process starts. I lost my husband to cancer and knew I was going to lose him about 12 months before her died (although didn’t know how long we’d have at that stage. If we’d been luckier it could have been 3 years). My shock started then when I found out, and I’d reached the acceptance stage of grief before he actually died. I’m not in a new relationship three years later by choice, but I can understand how somebody might feel ready when they’ve done most of their grieving before the person actually dies. It’s not a one size fits all thing, so don’t be too rigid on timelines. 18 months doesn’t sound too soon to be in a new relationship to me. Get married, yes, but not start a relationship.

I think you're being profoundly selfish, putting that on your DH. I hope it doesn't happen for many many years but I wish my husband nothing but love if I predecease him. How odd to want your spouse to be lonely.

I hate the idea of DH with someone else after I die so i understand.

Thinking about it though, that is because I am imagining how I would feel, but I'd be dead and wouldn't feel anything, so that is unreasonable really. Even so I still don't like the idea really, though in a similar conversation with DH, I lied and said I hoped he'd meet someone quickly and be happy.

I said it not because I genuinely feel like I want him to be happy with someone else. Frankly I'd like him to mourn me a good while on his own but i didn't say that because my feelings on the matter are childish and unreasonable. You dont always need to act in your feelings you know. Some can be acknowledged and then firmly ignored or squashed deep deep down. 😂

My inner feeling child would like my husband to die of a broken heart after I die because obviously I am so wonderful and special and nobody could ever replace me in his life.

My inner adult understands this is not at all an attractive or appropriate feeling so I lied. I also in a way did not lie, because I dont actually like the idea of him sad at all, I just cant make myself hope he meets someone else. I just know enough not to say that to him in a serious conversation about my wishes for him after my death.

This is hilarious! It’s like a Seinfeld episode. 🤣

I’ve informed DH that if he gets together with anyone after I die, I will be haunting the fuck out of them. He laughed. As that is the normal response. How on earth is this a serious argument that people are having?!

Yes. Which is why it’s a joke.

Jesus Christ. 🤣

Personally I would do what I want anyway regardless of what my dead partner had said.

Well put.

Ive also told DP if he gets with someone else if I die ill haunt him, and his shiny new healthy partner. Twat.

See, this is a sane, mature, and loving attitude.

Something like that happened in my family. It was less than a year. Everyone thought it was too soon but it took a child to say it out loud, to the widower!
My own thoughts are that if you genuinely loved your partner, you wouldn't dream of replacing them so quick. What about the grieving process, allowing yourself to come to terms with your loss etc. Eventually, yes, but within months, less than 2 years, no.

I'd probably say something like, I wouldn't like the thought of you replacing me almost immediately but I wouldn't want you to be alone forever.

My father had a couple of heart attacks and at that time (1964) there wasn’t much that could be done for him. He offered to write my mother a letter of reference for her next husband. She said no thanks, but I think it was brave and sweet.