The Dating Thread 63 Crisp air & Warm ♥️🧡💛

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

"shuffling their fat bod around looking old". 🤣🤣🤣 Such a delightful image.

Hold on to it and take strength from it. He was never good enough for you. His current actions are clearly demonstrating that, the weasly lying fucker.....

@MsJinks it's funny isn't it. I think I posted on here that Crashing not Soaring looks like someone's gramps at 58.

Stumpy sounds similar. Maybe it's pheromones.

Haha - @Nosdacariadand @Ilovelurchers- I am trying to - my reluctance to meet in person partly stems from this - I’d hope to go in and see that image - as I definitely will one day - but I’m dubious as it’s so frigging wow in person or was at least - idk what I would think now on sight.

I’m contemplating just doing nothing on his return - im sick of texting bullshit now - but I think I’d regret not taking the chance of ‘closure’ too.

Maybe if he stays away 6 months that’d resolve it - and it’s kinder than imagining his slow and painful death - sigh!

Hold steady. Keep with your jam till you have a different one. What does AI say? I like to mull things over like that.

Sorry I’m being lazy and not checking which posters said but thanks for the guidance re disclosure.

I’ve told the two that have my burner number. I’ve told one my realt name 😱 I usually wait or give a loose variation.
and theyve both been ok. I wonder if I Told them to put them off. One guy mr sweet is lovely but I don’t think I’ll fancy him. I keep looking at men irl and thinking would I fancy you? The other guy is like an annoying younger brother. He’s 14 years younger. Too young. I’m having a full on argument with him about feminism and why it’s not appropriate to say what about the men in response.

I think you have to consider that you may never get closure, or the truth which seems like a foreign country to him.

So if you see him because you don't want to wonder if there was a misunderstanding then that's something you can probably check. The truth and closure...less likely xxx

Don't wear yourself out educating the unteachable xxx

He was exhausting! Willfully stupid.

I understand that. When you have really strong chemistry with someone, it doesn't really matter how objectively unattractive they are - being near them can still totally undo all your common sense.

For this reason I think I would really struggle to be "just" friends with FWB. Whenever I see him I just want to jump his bones, and we always end up in bed together very shortly after he arrives.....

It sounds like you have similar with Tree. So if you meet him in person, it's possible you will just swallow any nonsense excuse he comes up with, because your desire will be stronger than your reason (IYSWIM). I may be projecting here, but I feel like that's the situation, from what you have described?

So, I have been thinking about this. The least worst thing that has happened is that she is just a friend, they dated, didn't work out for whatever reason but stayed good friends, and he didn't tell you about her because he felt the friendship would unsettled you, make you feel jealous or whatever, and he likes you too much to rock the boat. Maybe he kept meaning to tell you, and as time went on it just became harder.....

IF this is the case (and this is the kindest possible reading of his actions) and if he could prove to you they were purely platonic (maybe show messages between them, or even ask her to message you).... Would you accept this? Is it something you could get over?

If so, it might be worth asking for a meeting after his return, to get it all out in the open.

If you couldn't forgive him (and nobody could blame you for this! Even if they aren't shagging, it's a big deception) then in some ways maybe it's better to never see him again ....

But you may then be always tortured by wondering. I have things like this, where I walked away but would now literally give a kidney (one I had stolen from a date obviously, not my own 😉) to know the truth of certain situations. There were certain occasions with FWB for a sample, when we were still supposed to be exclusive, when we rowed and I know he went to meet his best female friend and I would kill to know whether anything actually happened (I strongly suspect something, tho maybe not full shagging - she used to get pissed and darkly hint about it). It wouldn't change anything now - there are lots of more pressing reasons he and I will never make a proper relationship work - but still, the curiosity burns!

To my mind, the very least Tree Stump owes you is a full and frank explanation. But they doesn't mean you will ever get one..... You may be more likely to get the truth out of her, quite possibly. So I would keep hold of her Facebook profile, so you can contact her if you do ever decide you want to .....

I sorta know this - and deep down it’s probably just going as I’d hope he’d miss me or regret stuff - which is so sad of me I know ha! But I’d love to walk in and see fat old grandad too - just too soon and pheromones may still be on fire!

I wanted to say how unfair his behaviour is but like you said on a different post - no good trying to teach the unteachable! And already I just don’t want to go over it all with him - probably as I’ve gone over and over it so much with here, kids, Gemini and Chat it’s exhausting lol!

For various reasons I think this isn’t as straightforward for him now as he may have expected it to be at start - he is actually a bit slow at connecting dots tbh anyhow - so this will be an added complication he’ll have to ponder how to handle it a bit more than he probably had envisaged.

Idk yet what I’ll do but I’ll bore you all to tears with it soon enough lol

@Ilovelurchers-thank you and so spot on - you are so insightful and helpful - and yes I probably would accept it, though even then some trust has gone for both sides - my stalking and his deception and I always advise it’s done anyway at that point - never have followed my own advice though lol.

I can’t see it is - I think this holiday is a step up - from other stuff around it - I think he’s been deciding to an extent maybe between us tbh.

Thing about seeing him - however much I’m in ‘just a shag’ category I do know he finds me pretty damn attractive too - so it’d be a chance to make him regret it a bit too - that is beyond a bad reason to do it but I’m a bit fed up I was 2nd choice even though she’s won the booby prize!

There are other things across our relationship- not dreadful- stuff I’d normally go oh idk about that, even ugh - but every fucking bit just was irrelevant to how amazing I thought he was and how good it was together - all of it - days out, nights out, etc. Sigh!

I’m no further on in my choice - as I said it’s got to very randomly be more complex than at first it might have been - so how he handles it now is a complete mystery to me! But doesn’t stop me trying out every permutation lol. It’s good he’s away a while whilst I settle but equally it’s a weird limbo too and I’m still connected with him for a while really this way. I wish I could be adult and just block him or drop a brief dump text and obliterate him from all memory banks - there needs to be an adulting pill developed lol.

I'm not sure whether this is particularly relevant or not, but out of interest.... If he had told you from the start about this woman and that she was an ex he was friends with, and he had a trip booked with her he was still planning to go on.... What would you have done? Would you have felt ok about it?

Thinking about the men in my life I am closest to - DD's dad, FWB, my two closest platonic male friends + even my beloved late dad - I am afraid to say they would probably all have behaved as Trees has (or may have - I am going currently with my least worst explanation for his behaviour).

And they'd all completely justify it to themselves with a "what she doesn't know won't hurt her l" type argument - that it was a victimless crime (if you didn't find out) and therefore not a crime at all - in fact, some of them would probably see it as yet more evidence of what a decent guy they were! (Shocking but true).

The only guy I know well who wouldn't do this is my brother - who is a good man but doesn't really go in for empathy - he plays by the rules and in this case the rules would dictate honesty .... And he'd probably just expect you to accept it, as he knows he isn't a cheat so somehow you should know that too....

Now, it may well be that I am especially drawn to shady shape-shifting narcs..... (It really could). But I do wonder if actually a lot of men, finding themselves in Stump's situation, would do exactly what the Stump has done......

That does not mean in any sense that you have to accept it! And of course, all of that reasoning is based on the premise that she actually IS an ex - and it sounds like you suspect she's actually more of a current love interest.....

Yes and I would have been dubious but ok if I’d met her - he stays there most weeks though for definite and I’m pretty silo’d so there’s lots of other times he’ll have being seeing her . The other big thing is he travels solo - no thought of me joining would have occurred to either of us - now I know a friend is different but still odd.

He also was withdrawing over previous week though only on reflection this. And very blunt texts earlier in the week - now a level of awkward that’s painful ha.

He’s definitely been running two - would you be that good friends with an ex?

Hes very aware I’d rather know hard truths than not know - but he’s not a believer in the ‘whole truth’ - I said once I guess what you can’t know you don’t know isn’t impacting you and he jumped all over that in agreement. Conversely he gets quite obsessed with folk giving and having strictly truthful accounts of anything and everything - sigh!

Idk - I know plenty that would be ok with it too - guys I mean - bit off imo - it’s at the least rather disrespectful of your relationship- my Dad wouldn’t have dreamed of it is the only guy I’m definite on not doing it for the right reasons lol but he’d be 95 if here so maybe different.

Thank you again though - it’s food for thought.

@MsJinks keep talking. You're the very opposite of boring 😘😘😘

I’m similar in that I’d prefer the hard truth rather being left in limbo wondering. Which has left me wondering about my recent ex as I sensed the withdrawing and change in attitude and now the coldness.

Hmm been chatting to someone but not going to name him as an iron just yet. We agreed to a date this week so switched to WhatsApp and he has the chat set to disappearing messages within 90 days, online status turned off and then sent me a picture because he had an accident today but the picture was set to view once only.

I know people like privacy but this feels a bit off?

That's so interesting, that Stump agreed so heartily with the whole "what you don't know doesn't hurt you" theory. Methinks the arboreal one doth protest too much?

Also interesting (though sadly unsurprising) to learn that he is hypocritical on this one, and expects absolute truth from others. My FWB is exactly like this - he often played fast and loose with the truth when we were officially together - I can remember instances of him doing things with female friends while not mentioning they were involved at all, and justifying it because he hadn't categorically told me they weren't (I had just assumed) and adding to that that my angry reaction proved he was completely right not to tell me .... And yet he expected some level of absolute transparency from me which was actually quite hard to achieve, sometimes getting upset if I hadn't told him about doing something I didn't even slightly imagine he would be interested in. (Hence why we don't work as a couple - or this is one of the reasons.)

I wouldn't be very happy if I was dating someone and they holidayed with an ex - with the exception of a co-parenting trip involving the kids, which I would be fine with (though understand fully why others wouldn't).

And I CERTAINLY wouldn't be happy if the ex's presence was concealed from me and I accidentally discovered it, as has happened here. (If indeed she is an ex).

Whether I would end a relationship over it is hard to say. Would depend on:
A) how good the relationship was aside from this and
B) how much remorse was shown, and whether there was a firm undertaking to behave differently in future.

I guess another possibility it may be worth considering (given the recent recurring warmth in his comms) is that he may have been dating both of you, undecided, but now has chosen you. This was actually the case with my first husband (many many moons ago) - he was seeing another woman at the start of our relationship and only confessed this to me (on holiday in Spain as it happened!) when he had "chosen" me. I think he expected me to be thrilled that I was his choice! In fact, I pursued the relationship but it secretly did my head in - absolutely tormented me - and I actually only got over it when I got over him, and decided to divorce him (not very long after we were married).

Having said that, similar happened to one of my friends and she is still happily married to the guy, decades later.

There is no right or wrong way to feel, and we will all support you whatever you decide. So much uncertainty must be Hellish tho right now - have you got strong real life support? Thinking of you. Xxx

Does sound weird, but my best friend sometimes has her settings like this and I don't think there is a particular reason for it - not one she has disclosed, anyway. I don't think it's necessarily a red flag? Though maybe a pink one.

How does he seem otherwise?

Jury is out tbh, he seems okay but am waiting to see how things play out

Settings a pink flag (or amber)

Crashing had last seen turned off.

Things I don't need, friend telling me she saw Crashing in pub with landlady (nothing changes).

When is Stumpy due home?

Was this him being "with' the landlady? Couply, holding hands? Or just drinking his non-existent wages away as usual? (I cannot understand how this guy can afford the pub every night. I work full time, and I couldn't, even if I wanted to......)

Either way, you are right, it's not what you need to hear.

You are being enormously strong in continuing to not contact him, you know. I'd have caved before now, for sure. You are an inspiration! Xxx

An update. Had 2 dates this weekend. Mr smith I thought I’d fancy him more than I did but we’d been texting for so long before meeting (due to schedules) I think I’ve built up an unrealistic picture of him in my head. Mr runner not sure if there was a huge amount of chemistry. But both of them have already asked me out again. So we’ll see what happens/if the second dates actually occur. Feeling good about it though. Haven’t got to the second date in a long time (not that I’ve put a huge amount of effort in)!

The only person I’ve known to do this was a gardener who did some work for me once. He then started sending me suggestive pics and turned that feature on. He was married…

You can hide chats very easily on WhatsApp now so there’s that if someone wants real privacy.

Finally caught up on last thread but not before I'd made a few posts 😬
Morto to see I should've read to the end first and then posted here. (Or as we'd say in Ireland 'mortified for your ma for havin ye' 😉)
Haven't caught up on this thread yet, but hope to by tonight or tomorrow latest

I don't think he's with her in that sense, at least not publicly (he's 58 she's 73, stranger things though. Her ex is 58). Thanks but I'm not strong. I still want to send that card although I do not want us back together.

I too have no clue how he affords the pub on UC.

Mr Tennis is single, has a shedload of money, was charming and gets Staffordshire and Shropshire muddled. We've said we'll play tennis in a couple of weeks when both free.

@CountBoscoTheSecondsWife it's all good 😘😘😘

@AlwaysCarrieSATC actually now I think of it Crashing has face recognition on his phone AND SEPARATELY ON HIS WHATSAPP 😱

@cadburyegg great job xxx