The Dating Thread 63 Crisp air & Warm ♥️🧡💛

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

My libido went absolutely off the scale during permimenopause (I went through menopause relatively early - early 40s when it started). Seriously, sex was all I could think about a lot of the time, and I became a lot more adventurous shall we say? It's happened to a lot of my friends too - I think it's pretty common, but perhaps not talked about enough because a lot of society doesn't actually like to acknowledge the female libido exists, let alone can become quite rampant!

I don't know if anypne else gets/used to get a spike in binido during ovulation? For me, peri was like that but constant!

In a way I miss it! 🤣 And I wish I had made the most of it even more while it was there......

I’m 44 and I’m certain I’ve been in peri for 2-3 years. I have the Mirena and no periods so I have no idea when I’m ovulating however my libido is definitely higher than it’s ever been.

I think it’s something to do with a “last hurrah” before the ovaries shut up shop, last chance for babies….an evolutionary sort of thing?

You are being very hard on yourself there, and ignoring what an incredible woman you are - kind, intelligent funny, sensitive - clearly an amazing and resilient mother.... You have almost phrased it as if you are predating on Hot Physio while he is innocently trying to get on with his life.... Almost as if he has given you no encouragement!

In fact, he has made it very clear he fancies you and would like to take things further. So there is absolutely nothing wrong with you flirting back, it is not a sign of weakness! Try not to hold yourself to an impossible standard. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having needs!

What are your feelings about having a FWB style set up with HP? It sounds to me that that is what he is angling for. Would it be worth writing a pros and cons list? (That's what I would do.....🤣).

You’re very kind….as always, thank you ☺️

HP has made it clear he finds me attractive but I get the feeling he’s perhaps mulling things over? Said along the lines regarding his desire for a family in the future “If we were to meet up then I just want to be upfront about that”. I’ve been flirting and making my feelings known that I’m not looking for huge commitment however nothing is moving forward. He’s taking a day or more to reply.

And yes I would absolutely consider a FWB set up with him. I just don’t know how to move things forward with this snail’s pace.

I have found my FWB set up enormously helpful. It's not purely the sex (alrhough that is also amazing) but the physical context, the company - I like having someone to cook for, to comfort me if I am upset, all of that.

I am nervous about giving it up to be honest, though I know I can't move forwards in my possible relationship with Mr Cricket unless I do so.....

Obviously it's not the gold standard. Ideally I would be getting those needs met by a man who truly loved me and only me (and hopefully, one day, that will be the case).

But I don't think there is any shame in this kind of arrangement helping to fill the gap. As long as it's founded on mutual respect, care and honesty. (And it sounds like you and HP genuinely like each other? And he has been respectful enough at least to be honest about wanting kids in the future - a lot of men would have just said anything they felt like at the time to get you into bed - future-faked you and all of that).

I realise I am being quite directional now, and for all I know HP could be a mass murderer! I don't know, I just think it could be worth a try.

The main risk, I guess, is that you fall in love with him. But to be fair, he could fall in love with you too. We can't predict the future and I think sometimes you just have to take a risk... Maybe? But what do it know - my life is a fucking mess! 🤣

Sorry, I hadn't read your last reply when I sent this.

In a strange way, his hesitation I suppose could again be a sign of respect? Maybe he is worried about his feelings as well as yours - that he might fall for you.....

Have you suggested a date? In your position I might throw caution to the wind, and just name a time and place.

I definitely feel like HP is holding back a bit and it’s more me that’s pushing for a date. (Same with Mr Handy and the guy who went to Thailand). It’s a strange feeling because….not to sound like I’m blowing my own trumpet….it’s always been the other way around. I always felt like the prize however over the past week I’ve almost got the feeling that these men think the prize is them. And I’m sure there are lots of men out there who ARE a prize (where the fuck are they though??! 🤣) but this is an unsettling feeling because it is 100% me doing the chasing as opposed to it being mutual, and it’s getting me down a bit.

Does Cricket know you have a FWB? Has your plan always been to ditch FWB when you start sleeping with an iron? And I’m certain your life isn’t a mess my love 😂 We can all feel that way at times, god knows I do! But I guess we all need to give ourselves more credit.

My last message to HP was yesterday and I basically asked about meeting up without actually typing those words. He’d need to have an IQ of about-100 to not understand my intentions in that message 😂 So I guess I’ll just need to sit back and wait……

@Ilovelurchers Beered - we're friends on fb. It's how she's responding to his posts.

@empirebiscuits12 yes I'd be underwhelmed. Maybe this is a time to take a break or try a new app or do something to meet people in the wild? I'm finding the apps rather barren right now, too.

First date was good...not exciting.

I totally get how you are feeling, it does feel like effort is missing a lot these days 💐

Fun Bobby is not being fun!!
last weekend he messaged saying he could see me this Sunday or Monday evening.
yesterday he said can we do Monday evening.
Now he’s just messaged saying he forgot it’s his daughters birthday on Monday and can we do tomorrow instead.

Hmmmmmmm
questioning whether to let this one go

Is he at least as cool as your friends?

If not...

If these guys are not making you feel good about yourself, even at this early stage, then yes, maybe it is a good idea to look elsewhere. As there will definitely be men out there who rightly consider it a massive privilege to have the chance of a date with you!

Cricket and I haven't discussed exclusivity or anything like that. But I do have in my mind that once I take the step of sleeping with someone I will bring up exclusivity definitely. If Cricket wants to pursue the relationship but NOT be exclusive, that would be an interesting one. I am not 100% sure what my response to that would be.

I guess it partly depends on what the sex is like! 🤣

Im feeling a bit glum this evening.
A large part of that will be from being tied and having spent 12 hours doing DIY and having to rope a neighbour in to hold up the other end of a long preece of trim so I could reattach it and I just felt so fucking alone in that moment.

I completely know what you mean - those moments that bring it home to you how much easier life can be (at times) when you have someone there just to help with life's random problems.....

I do think, however, that we should be careful not to idealise life with a partner. (I am massively guilty of doing this a lot). Even if you had a bloke, who is to say he would have been helping with the DIY. If he was anyrhing like several of my exes, he might instead have been sulking/off at the pub/shagging someone else.....

But, I do totally know what you mean, lovely. Can you do something nice tonight to reward yourself for all your hard work?

And thank God for helpful neighbours!

Conversely, I have been reflecting on the fact that, if Cricket and I DO decide to pursue an exclusive relationship (and of course he may not want to) there will be aspects of single life I will really miss, mostly related to freedom.

For example, I can have sex with FWB whenever I feel.lke it (more or less - he always seems up for it) and the sex is amazing, in part I think because I am not in any sense anxious about what he feels about me, so I don't try to present myself in any particular way - I can be totally honest and open about my desires.

And my platonic male friendships - I have a couple of close guy friends and currently I can see them whenever I like, go away with them over night if we want to - obviously that will change to a certain extent if I am committed to someone.

And even my relationship with DD's dad - I will have to be more guarded about that to a certain extent, to avoid upsetting a partner.

I truly never thought I would feel like this - but there are some ways in which I absolutely love being single and not having to monitor or curtail my behaviour in any way.

But at the same time I want companionship, romance, love, someone on my side.... It's confusing. And maybe I need to not over think it, but just move forwards and see what happens. Even if Cricket does become my boyfriend, it's not like we would be signing a contract or something - if it doesn't work for either of us, we would both be free to walk away.

(And I am very aware that he may not even want anything exclusive in the first place..... I could be flattering myself!)

Sending lots of love. We're here 💐💐💐

Well done @Ilovelurchers it's a great attitude and if cricket doesn't want exclusivity he has rocks in his head.

Tennis has improved his kissing. There was a moment when he made a sweeping generalisation and I told him "that's really racist" he tried to back himself up and I told him "no that is absolutely racist" and he looked shocked but stopped.

Hmmnnn.

Good news on the kissing front!

Less so on the comment. Firstly well done for calling him out and sticking to your guns - not always easy in that sort of situation. I guess how he responds to that going forwards will be quite telling - in my experience a lot of blokes (perhaps women too, but I do think it's gendered to an extent) react very badly to any form of criticism, real or perceived. If he can take it on board and actually rethink his attitudes and how he expresses them, then that could be a positive sign? Did the atmosphere of the date change at all after it happened.

And the comment itself - do you think he was just being thoughtless/not expressing himself well? (Not great but potentially forgiveable). Or do you think that he actually holds unacceptable views? I realise it may be impossible to tell at this point..... Something to keep an eye on, anyway.....

How are you feeling about the whole thing now? X

Thank you. Both my very long term relationships were with very handy men.i suppose the down side might have been more that they may have disagreed with how i was doing the work? But for sure they would have held a piece of trim up for me.
I had a quiet evening on the sofa with strictly and very tired, affectionate kittens... once I'd rescued the stupid one off the roof.

As to your concerns, I think you're overthinking it. If the male friends you go away with are platonic why can't you keep doing that? If you like things a certain way why can't you keep doing them that way? Set the terms of the relationship to work for you, don't give up half your life for it. Obviously they're still be some Shifts and compromises but they shouldn't feel like sacrifices.

It was along the lines of "Scottish people are mean with money" but not directed at Scottish people.

I think he was expressing a view he will have heard often where he lives, a city known for it's backward thinking on diversity EVEN AT THE UNIVERSITY.

None of these things are an excuse and I had previously told him about my aunt who is 20 years older who more than one of my family have had to tell about acceptable things to say/not say.

He went red but I think accepted it. I don't imagine his internal landscape has changed from one comment.

I'm not sure a partner would feel ok about 1:1 trips away with male friends but I may be in the minority.

I wouldn't be if roles were reversed.

Hey, de-lurking here... things seem to be going well with Mr Smile despite him having some tough stuff going on in his life at the moment.

The comments on the platonic male friendships have got me thinking... I have a few male work colleagues I get on well with. I'd booked 2 tickets to see a concert but Mr Smile doesn't fancy it (no problem) & my friends don't know the artist. A couple of female colleagues are going to it & said i can tag along with them & I offered my spare ticket to my male mate last night who is going to come with us (he knows the ladies too) Do you think this is ok? Mr Smile hasn't said anything about it but I'm now questioning myself. There is absolutely no attraction between me & male friend. I'm just trying to put myself in Mr Smile's shoes...

On the other hand, I have actively encouraged him to visit an ex of his (who i know) who is extremely poorly at the moment. Complicated situation but I know he doesn't have romantic feelings towards her & I think he'd regret it if he didn't. Obviously a very different situation though.

Sorry just thinking out loud here, I guess if I knew there was absolutely no romantic intent I'd be ok with it. I'd draw the line at over night stays though I think.

Glad things are going well with Mr Smile 😁

I can only speak for myself but you offered Mr Smile first and you're going as a group. I think that's a completely different proposition from what I'd object to (1:1s in private).

Why am I still thinking about a guy who I know is no good for me 😭 its probably because I haven't met anyone since who I get on with so I must forget him. Btw love the advice here ladies