The Dating Thread 63 Crisp air & Warm ♥️🧡💛

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Such a great post! Yes it’s taken me some time to recognise that I need much better boundaries. It’s great that others are in a similar place and if I ever have a boundary wobble I know I can rely on you all to give me a sense check!

@ThreeMogsAndCounting I’m in New Zealand 😄 But mostly the same apps, and it seems dating challenges are also fairly universal 😆 I’m in a city.

Mr Bay is keen on a video chat this weekend. He’s visiting my city next week, I figure it would be a good way to see if it worth giving up an evening to meet up with him!

He seems lovely and very purposeful in how he communicates with me. However I think I’m so used to men who don’t do that, that for some reason it’s making me very slightly uncomfortable. I need to reflect on this some more at the weekend when I have time.

This is really lovely...noble even...that there are still men like this around. I particularly like his stance on equality

Thank you for taking the time to write this, it's so encouraging and motivating.

We're all in the dating trenches and it feels nice to be seen and recognised.

Is there a way for this to be pinned or kept somewhere for us to return to? It's such a rallying cry to stick to our standards and principles in the midst of all of the things!

I think this all sounds healthy and self-aware. Knowing what we feel uncomfortable about and why, not letting the past overshadow the present, and staying open to the possibility that this person may be different altogether is really healthy I think. Good luck!🌺

Maybe it's @Ilovelurchers turn to add to the page 1 rules 😍♥️💙🩶

Well we're not far off the end of this thread. If @Nosdacariad or whoever starts the next one is willing, we could paste it into the manifesto on the first page!

Hi all! Thanks for your kind post - I am glad you all liked my earlier post because it's absolutely from the heart - I admire everyone on here so much, and find the advice and experiences shared so incredibly helpful.

And (I have been reflecting more) I think at least in part it's because of the incredible way that everyone speaks to each other on here - so unusual for the internet and even for Mumsnet as a whole! There is actually quite a lot of challenge - people will point out different perspectives, even actively disagree, or pick up on patterns in others' experiences, all of that - but it NEVER seems mean, judgemental, attacking, or anything other than total respect and kindness. And I think to have that level of honesty combined with that level of respectful compassion is just so rare.

And clearly very healthy!

I think its demonstrating the very best of (predominantly) female interaction. Its something I've found myself seeking out and gravitating towards so much throughout my life, but especially when single or in a difficult relationship. And now im in my 40s I want to make sure I maintain it even if I find a good relationship.

Hello all, I have been lurking on here but first time posting. I have been on two dates with a guy who I’m going to nickname him as ‘mr ponytail’ as he wears his hair in a ponytail. Met OLD he’s 39 very good job, very intelligent, has a 2.5 yr old DS, very good looking - but also appears genuinely lovely.

So mr ponytail seems like such a lovely guy, for the first time in my dating history I’ve felt like I have not tried to pretend I’m someone I’m not - I’ve felt completely myself on the two dates. In the past I’ve been out for food and drinks with guys always drunk a little too much alcohol to give me Dutch courage to be on the date etc. However, these 2 dates have both been walking dates - very different but I’ve really enjoyed them and he has felt like a breath of fresh air.

However he is absolutely useless with communication between dates. I am not a big texter and get hugely put off by guys who want to text all the time. After the first date he said he really enjoyed it but then took 5/6 days to send another message.

At the weekend we both opened up about previous relationship - and the same issue we had with being in a controlling / narcissistic relationship. Then after the date he messaged implying he was a little embarrassed he had opened up a bit much.

He said he’s not a huge texter and often puts his phone on mute or do not disturb (which I also do) - however would you judge his lack of communication in between dates as a lack of interest or is this pretty normal?

Im rubbish with dating etiquette and knowing what’s good communication wise - especially in such early days.

I personally would find 5-6 days between messages really difficult and I’d become a bit detached. But if it works for you and you are happy with it then it’s fine, everyone is different so if you two match on that front and it works then that’s all that matters.

@Zara445 I would sit back a little and gently observe his behaviour.

What he says may be perfectly true. Only time will tell.

As for the silence and whether you should be ok with it - there is no should, only how you feel.

I'd have blocked him after two days which may be why I'm still here 😂

@AlwaysCarrieSATC That’s the difficult thing - I did detach in those 6 days- I thought oh ok he’s defintley ghosting me and all the spark of the first date had vanished so when he did get in touch - I had lost excitement.

However, when I seen him again it felt really good in person. This time we went on the date Saturday and he text me on the Monday so not as long but now I’m thinking I’m waiting for a message back and I can’t be bothered waiting for 6 days or so. He appologised last time. I think it’s far too early to even mention texting at this stage.

It’s confusing as his profile said ‘long term but short term ok’ and he said he thinks modern day dating people rush too quickly. So maybe that’s a sign

@Nosdacariad I was thinking of blocking him after the 3 days 🫣 Glad I didn’t - as he does seem really genuine - but then I’ve not had the best history in dating!

Agree with @AlwaysCarrieSATC it's what feels good for you, and you absolutely don't have to suffer in - literal 😉- silence, if you would like more.

Do you think he could have an avoidant attachment style? It might explain his need to retreat/keep you at arm's length in between times... How long ago was he in his controlling relationship?

I too would find it difficult waiting nearly a week for any communication/sign of life. It feels a bit breadcrumby and halts momentum. How's he planning on getting to know you if he's distant...🌺

If

@Shibiscus Hes been separated from that 2 years ago. I think I have an anxious/avoidant attachment style and I push most people away especially as I always talk about liking my own space - and thinking about it I said to him I really like being alone, I need time on my own. So maybe he’s taken that on board. But I also like to maintain some level of contact.

I do think it seems like an appropriate level of texting for early on.

But typical etiquette seems to be guys levelling up texting daily immediately after a good first date. That always puts me off because it doesn't seem earned, and feels like pressure.

I agree with this guy that taking it slower is better, so I don't read it as a lack of interest when all the other signs are positive.

Things that are more important than frequency of texting are the quality of the contact. Is it actually thoughtful and moving things forward? I would rather have one text a week to arrange something than endless chats about the day.

So, keep an open mind. It sounds like it is going well. As it progresses, I would expect or hope to see some sort of increase in communication effort though.

Most important of all, it has to meet your needs, and you need to feel comfortable articulating what those are. But as has already been said, now's the time for observation. See how he operates and decide if that is right for you, rather than decoding it for evidence that he likes you or not

Thank you so much for the words of wisdom @Clarabella77 That’s a brilliant way to frame things. I recently went on one date with a different guy and the day after the date he was sending good morning texts, hope your day goes well - and even though we had a nice date it put me off him straight away and I stopped the messages as I felt huge pressure. So 100% agree with everything you’ve said

as new to this , please advise if this is okay. Messaging 2 men at the moment, both want to meet for a coffee. Is it okay to talk to 2 at once , it feels wrong to me, yet at same time I don’t really know them and could meet and no connection. I have had other chats where either go cold or turn weird , both of these have been nice and pleasant, messaging 2 days and suggested coffee meets. I was married for 27 years, separated just over 6 months and one date so far , really don’t know the etiquette.

@Zara445 welcome to the thread ☺️ I think you’ve had some fabulous advice from other posters already, and if this is the level of contact you feel comfortable with then great. If not then hopefully you feel like you can discuss it with him. Sounds as though your comfort level may be somewhere in between the 5/6 days and every day at this early stage?

I had an ex who messaged me incessantly. It drove me absolutely mad and I felt smothered. He was also a petulant man-child who went in a silent huff if I wanted some space or time to myself, and it made me a bit scared to speak up for what I wanted. Big regrets but lessons learned.

Personally I quite like a handful of messages throughout the day, but that’s just me 😊

Yes I say it’s definitely ok to meet both for a coffee. I e not done a nor I g date followed by an afternoon date before. I like to dos se mine out.
it go k its on the first post of every thread its not real so why commit yourself to just one. Until you get to the point of thinking you want to invest more time with one.
mr sweet is too keen and I’ve told hom
im messaging others and I expect him to do the same. We compared notes the other day. But we are both being very consistent with each other and I can see a time when I shed the others.

Yes, absolutely fine to be talking to more than one person. Most people do, and I recommend.

I used to have multiple chats on the go because it can be a bit of a numbers game. People will drop off, and you also might discover that someone you thought could be great isn't quite your cup of tea in person.

It's important not to get too invested in one person while at the chatting stage. I view the early stages as research.

I've had quite a few chats on the go but I am prone to muddling them up which can be embarassing. Except the guy I asked what his biggest flaw was and he said he kept picking women with personality disorders...he totally deserved it 😂

Ive muddled them up too. Asked one about his construction background he replied that’s not me
must he be one of the others your talki g to.

mostly it’s ok but some get annoyed.