The Dating Thread 63 Crisp air & Warm ♥️🧡💛

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@BoxOfCats that sounds ideal then! If 2 hours isn’t an issue, he’s in your city regularly AND you like your own space….sounds perfect actually! Fingers crossed for you 😁

@Nosdacariad here’s hoping the kissing improves, it’s so important and sets the scene for everything else. Like I said though, he can be trained!

@AlwaysCarrieSATC hmm I’m not liking the comment he made about a previous partner. Also wondering how you know he has death grip? Did he offer that info or do you just think that may be it due to how long he’s been single? Either way I think it would get inside my head if a guy couldn’t finish. But it’s early days…could be nerves? But that comment….not sure I could get past it. Which is a shame.

Hot Physio update.

I messaged him back and kind of lay my cards on the table while putting it right back to him. I basically said that I liked him when we worked together but kept it professional. And I just wasn’t sure why he’d liked my profile….whether it was a genuine like or more of a hello. Then I asked him what HE wanted. (Obviously my wording of all this was much smoother!).

He replied with “I thought/think you’re good looking and I liked you when we worked together”.

He finished off the message with…..drum roll……”although I want kids in the future”.

Now. Bear in mind that my profile says I’m 44. It also states I have kids and don’t want more. His has no mention of family plans.

WHY would he like my profile??! He’s quite clearly not going to get any kids out of me. And he’s quite clearly wasted my time (and his I guess).

This.Man.Is.So.Infuriating.
So why do I still want to jump his bones? 😭

I just messaged back saying “ouch”.

This is infuriating, cue scream...It sounds like he wants to jump your bones too, but was conveniently compartmentalising/overlooking the kids aspect until you - rightly - confronted him...Gaaah!!!!! Men. Hugs 🌺

The intelligence one interests me, as it's definitely a very attractive quality to me too. And when I review the five LTRs I have had, the one and only thing all five men had in common was that they were, in my opinion, above average intelligence.

However, only one was in a career that I would say was in that sense commensurate to his intellectual abilities. (I am honestly not trying to make a judgemental about the worth of different jobs here - so I really hope I don't offend anyone - I am just thinking in terms of careers that require a degree, really).

One was still at university when I met him, so I suppose he doesn't count.

Of the other three, two had left school early due to their home life at the time, the other one had got an excellent first degree and started a post grad course but dropped out due to mental health issues. He, and one of the other ones, did gain other qualifications and a career whkle they were with me (these were the two I married - in both cases having to financially support them through this put a lot of strain on the marriage).

The third one, my current FWB, is highly intelligent but grew up in grinding poverty, and never really knew his father. His mom worked very hard but he had to start working as soon as he could, and was involved in some criminal activity when younger too from what I can make out. (Led into selling drugs by poor role models who took advantage). I don't judge him for any of this. But I DO judge him for the fact that he is now in his late 40s and has taken no opportunities to gain any qualifications in all that time, despite me offering (at one point years ago) to support him through this. He is a highly intelligent bloke, but seems to have no real interest in doing any kind of job that will really improve his quality of life (he works the minimum he can to get by, from what I can tell - nothing criminal now, I would draw the line at that! But nothing that really challenges or fulfils him either).

Sorry, long story short - I don't think what work someone does is necessarily a reflection of their intelligence always, and I used to be very much of the view point that I would never judge anybody for what work they did. But having been the victim of a succession of feckless grifters, I would never again choose a relationship with a man who didn't do work he was proud of and that fulfilled him. And that paid the bills! I am no gold digger, but I am not willing to be the Bank of Lurchers again, either ....

One of the things that is massively attractive to me about Cricket is his mind - if we end up together he will be the most intelligent man I have been with so far, I think, and Moreover I very much admire the work he does, and the way he does it. (He feels strongly about equality and refuses to participate in any group that is all white, straight and male, for example). And he took came from a really quite deprived background, though respectable. To achieve what he has, with the start he had, is utterly awesome I think! And I love that there is no false modesty in him - he will openly say how proud he is of this too.

Well done, I massively admire how correct and clear you have been.

Shame he is such a. Headfuck - you deserve better! I reckon he is hinting he wants something short term, fun and wild with plenty of bone jumping but no long term future.

Which could be fun - but is it what you want? Xxx

Re the death grip stuff, I am really quite anti porn, and prefer a bloke who shares my views broadly. I would forgive occasional use of it when desperate - we all have libidos and being celibate for a long while can be tough - but a guy who used it to the extent of caused sexual dysfunction would be quite a big ick for me.

But there is a school of thought that says almost all men use it, even those who say they don't. I have certainly had relationships with men who claimed to hate porn but I found out later they used it quite a lot. Maybe sometimes one has to be pragmatic about these things.

And it's a personal thing - some women I know don't mind it, some use it themselves..... My two female best friends say they both use it occasionally and a man's porn use doesn't bother them at all.....

His response 🤦🏼‍♀️ He is infuriating!! I’m so angry but also interested enough not to block him. What’s wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you - it IS annoying, but I don't think necessarily block-worthy, given how much you are clearly craving this guy.

He COULD offer a really fun diversion. And who knows, maybe things would develop into more over time if you started seeing each other - that can and does happen sometimes.

It just depends on what you are looking for from him really. Could you enjoy something that neither of you were (at least initially) viewing as long term?

Also (sorry if you have said this) - how old is he? How realistic is it for him to expect a woman to start a whole grand new family with him?

I agree with this.

If you just want fun then tell him. But if you think you’d get feelings just put it to bed and sack it off otherwise you will end up hurt x

This is very much my type. All three of my long term relationships have been with men from massively deprived backgrounds who have dragged themselves up to senior, technical careers all by themselves. I find intelligence and ambition immensely attractive. Also playfulness. Im picky and feeling slightly depressed contemplating the likelihood of finding someone worth the effort.

Also sorry about the horrendous typos in my messages. I spend all day caring about spag at work and when im relaxing on mumsnet it all kind of goes out the window 😆

I’ve talked a lot on here about being open to a FWB so tbh I’d be open to that with the Hot Physio. @Ilovelurchers he’s 32.

In the meantime Mr Handy has asked to meet on Thursday evening. He looks like he’s been chiselled out of marble but he’s a little dull in his messages. I’m going to go though because he may be a bit more lively in person.

I was just reflecting - something I have really noticed on this thread - and it's something I think we should all be very proud of - is the way we have all clearly put a lot of thought into what are the basics that can make a relationship acceptable to us - what we need from a man to be happy with him and for the relationship to be preferable from our single lives. And generally we are all very good at keeping our boundaries high and sticking to that. Obviously not flawlessly - we all have our wobbles and sometimes make the odd compromise or bad decision. But in general, I think we all treat ourselves with enough respect to keep our boundaries pretty high.

And certainly for me, that is a massive achievement. In the past I have often settled for truly dreadful relationships as I found that preferable to being single, or on some level didn't think I deserved to have boundaries in place.

I think we are all doing an amazing job in a bloody challenging dating landscape! And certainly for me, the support and community I get from this thread is really helpful, especially when things feel bleak.

So well done everyone, and thank you. And be proud of yourselves. You truly are all the prizes, and deserve to be so happy! Xxx

Some men just aren't great texters. Cricket's texts are pretty dry - but he is funny and lonely in person. Fingers crossed this one is the same.

I also think Hit Physio has good FWB potential. In a way you can't know until you have tried it? I would just be very clear on how you see that working and be up front about your expectations if you can. Don't let him manouver you until a set up that doesn't fully work for you - you deserve much better than that!

Shitty tossy dickwad. How old is he?

Well said Lurchers. I feel the same about the feckless grifters.

Ooh cricket is sounding better & better.

Thinking irons named after sports are winning over irons named after modes of transport!!

@empirebiscuits12 don't reply to that ideally ever but certainly not for 24 hours.

The absolute 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Eta saw his age and the FWB suggestion. I may have been too hang 'em flog 'em 😁

Cracking post Lurchers.

I was thinking I'd have been better at keeping my boundaries if ChatGpt hadn't been so much on Planes' side.

@ThreeMogsAndCounting are you a chalk too then? (SPaG all day).

@Nosdacariad I’m not replying to him tonight, he can kiss my ass 😂 I can’t deny that I’m giving possible FWB some consideration, although it might not be something he’s looking for. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had the same thought about a man but it’s petered out to nothing.

@Ilovelurchers absolutely fabulous post! I remember first coming onto this thread and being so clueless about what was staring me in the face with some of my scenarios. I’m definitely far more confident in shutting men down, blocking them and moving on. I used to mope around after another bloody disaster or ghosting but the amazing posters on here have totally been there for me to either be more assertive or give myself a good shake! I read the replies to others and I take so much from them and use that advice in my own situations and I’m so much better at setting boundaries. God knows where I’d be without this thread….probably sitting broken hearted drowning my sorrows 😂

Nah, comms professional. I am surrounded by a lot of academics though so need to be on my game even more (though not as much as when I was working with lawyers. They were the pits)

I just woke up from a dream about the ex I saw on the apps. He told me he was moving away and seemed surprised i didn't know. I was kind of reassuring him that he was making the right decision because we were definitely not getting back together.
So it's nice that dream me is holding my boundaries.

And I agree with @Ilovelurchers . I hadn't really picked up on out bit all of us are recognising our behaviour and holding boundaries and accepting that as normal.
Its taken a lot of self work to get to the point where id rather be single than with the wrong man but it had become my standard now and in proud to be in with a bunch of other women flying the same one.

Random question, but roughly where is everyone based? I commute into London and im trying to work out whether to open the dating apps when im there or of it would just add too many variables when im not in every day and it's a bit of a trek.

@ThreeMogsAndCounting I guess you could open up to London and only see people who seem amazing or travel to you?

I'm in back of beyond so the pool is teensy unless you fancy 50 something men living like they're 70 something in their local.

Oof. That sounds dispiriting.
There's a decent pool where i live, with a good mix....surprise exes not included...but very few areas are going to provide such densely populated options as our great capitol. Only prob is that they might not even live in London. They might be as far out the opposite side of it as I am out of my side. Or visiting from bloody anywhere. It's a gamble.

I'm in Europe, in a village, but near a smallish city. However, a data-scientist friend calculated the rough number of single 50+ fit men in our area and it was so low, that I think totally random encounters are my only option!

Too bad. You'll have to focus on toy boys instead!

😂