Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

You’re not unreasonable to be upset but honestly this is a massive red flag. Judging your character on your past? Before you even knew him? It sounds mega controlling and probably a sign of things to come if it had progressed. People are entitled to end a relationship for any reason they like but you are also allowed to object to their reasons. You don’t have to accept it as a valid reason and frankly I would be telling him with a breezy attitude that it’s fine and wish him all the best.

No matter how nice he seemed (they all are in the beginning) I think you’ve dodged a bullet.

He isn't a lovely man OP. He's a judgemental man with control issues which would definitely become evident in time.

And for anyone pointing it out/asking, my sexual health has always been tested very very regularly, I’ve never had an STI/STD. Always practiced safe sex. He did ask that as well. Hilarious thing is that with his 15 partners, he’s never had an STI test!

I think it’s sad he offered you fwb, like that’s all you were worth.

Agree.

In future no one needs to know youve slept with 80 men! Was he young? I've never experienced a man ask anything like that as an adult!

Then many of us are controlling, if not wishing to be with a swinger who has shagged 80 odd people.

Any man who asks about your previous sexual partners is a red flag. It comes from their glaring insecurity and there is actually no right answer because it's a trick question. You're either a prude, a slut or a liar. You can't win.

What you did before the relationship is nobody else's business (assuming you are fully up to date on testing and his father wasn't your long term Dom Daddy or something) You don't swing any more so that part of your life is done. You don't have to explain it, or make excuses, or try to provide mitigating circumstances for what happened.

You're a fully grown adult as are your partners. We all have a past, but it's the future that matters.

Exacfly. I think you should remember he wasn't put off enough to deny his penis and get what he wanted. I don't think he's a very nice person. Easy to put on an act for a week.

Thank you ❤️

I find answers like this really bizarre, as I don't feel I have control issues at all. I just would filter out the 'slept with 80 people and am a swinger' people along with the five kids with five different people/used to take heroin/have been in prison/divorced 6 times/still lives with Mum and Dad in 40s people.

Like, all of those things are fine and I don't care what other people do with their lives, but I'm looking for a specific type of person to be with/share my life with and those things imply that the person isn't it?

You certainly come across as very judgemental and sheltered to me

Not even my husband of 40 years knows my full sexual history.
Keep it to yourself

Wouldn't have mattered if she'd been solely with one man in her life, he's told OP he's insecure.

Once finding out about her sexual history, he shagged her then offered to shag her on a casual basis.

The man is a walking red flag.

I think it's a bit off that he has been with 15 people and wants to meet someone who has been with 5-6 though

I don’t think I would want a relationship with someone who was into swinging. I think it would make me feel inadequate.

I don’t know why so many people are slagging this man off.

It’s perfectly reasonable to be put off of someone whose sexual appetite and kinks doesn’t match your own.

With kindness, don't ever tell any man your number. Have a default answer for anyone asking so early too - "That's a question for future me to answer - you don't even know if I've seen Titanic yet". Honestly it is never going to go well when you are uncomfortable saying it yourself.

THIS!!

Agreed, so why did he still sleep with her and offer to continue sleeping with her on a casual basis?

It's sad this ended so quickly when you were so fond of him. There really wasn't any need to tell him all about your past after only a week. But I agree you probably had a lucky escape. He sounds a bit of a pious pain in the neck tbh.

He sounds like a walking red flag.

He’ll be back in touch soon willing to ‘put it aside’ if you can meet various conditions I’ll bet.

He sounds like an inadequate twit.

Ya, I agree too. I shot that down completely and made it clear that would just be demoralising and I wasn’t willing to devalue myself in that way.

I was going to say one thing, and then I saw your number is 80. 80!! That’s honestly something you need to keep to yourself on the first date 😂

But besides this, you have actually dodged a bullet and he’s shown you he’d likely be a jealous and insecure partner.

How many times? Loose lips sink ships. What is this awful fucking American desire 'to share'? Since when private is not longer private? When you MARRY you don't have secrets about sex, but the past belongs in the past. You only have to disclose your HIV/Hepatitis and other diseases status, that is all. Sine when has it become appropriate to live like a Superman - meaning knickers on the outside, for everyone to see?
You say you are incredibly 'honest' - so when you see a fat colleague, do you go 'wow, you are fat'? Or do you say to your GP 'what the fuck do you know anyway, you google everything?' The fact it is true does not mean it needs to be said aloud.

No. Your sexual history is nothing to do with anyone!