Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

The difference is though, lots of women get dragged into these situations by partners. So it’s not that they’re some sexual deviant.

And, if they are, it’s unlikely they are going to try to force you into it at some point.

FWIW you did the right thing being honest. But I don't believe that whether the number was 0 or 80 means anything about you, other than that you've had a nice time (hopefully) - as long as you got tested and were clean before we slept with each other I'd not be arsed. There's nothing inherently immoral about having sex with lots of people or enjoying swinging because morality is invented by people and you don't need to be ashamed of it - just because some other people's own moral codes don't align with it don't make it a bad thing in and of itself.

I'm also interested how the conversation came up - I haven't had a potential partner ask since I was about 19, and I would find it surprising if I did now. Did he turn things that way (which would put me off - why are we comparing? What does that matter to them and what does that say about how they view a woman who's had sex a lot? What is an acceptable number to them?) or did you in an attempt to 'get it out the way'?

His loss!

Ah yes the poor innocent lady swingers, duped into it, because they couldn't possibly want to by themselves. Versus the evil unclean men, who will drag you off to a keys in the bowl party against your will.

You’re talking about if the situiaon was reversed… it’s not reversed. It’s an insecure man who would have, as other posters said, probably had a small dick, lasted about 10 seconds and thought 30 seconds of oral was foreplay 🤦‍♀️

My suspicion is that if you’d said “that’s not something I talk about, the past is in the past” then he would probably have ended things because you wouldn’t tell him and it made him wonder all the more.

Either way, it’s his problem. How you handle any question like that in future is up to you. I’d perhaps ask why they want to know. Either they want to spend time with or or they don’t and any number they have in their mind shouldn’t be the thing that makes the difference.

With kindness, don't ever tell any man your number. Have a default answer for anyone asking so early too - "That's a question for future me to answer - you don't even know if I've seen Titanic yet". Honestly it is never going to go well when you are uncomfortable saying it yourself.

More importantly, stop counting. It doesn't matter to anyone other than YOU. All any man (or woman since you never actually said it was all men and no one should assume anything) needs to know is they aren't the first, you are STI free and condoms are not negotiable.

And to be even more honest, we did sleep together. The sex was pretty amazing, FWIW I am pretty incredible in bed and he said I was the best sexual encounter he’d ever had. Not enough to get over my number though 🙈😅

He did offer a FWB arrangement if I ever wanted it, but I completely declined that and said I was worth more than that, and it wouldn’t be healthy for me.

Ah god, what a fecking disaster. I should have just lied, but I couldn’t be comfortable in a relationship doing that. And now I’m just gutted. I’ll get over it, but I am really sad.

Do you understand what “if “ means? If,I said, If

He’s done you a HUGE favour. I had a friend at uni who I eventually started dating and he developed retroactive OCD and became obsessed with my sexual history. It wasn’t ideal because he knew a fair amount due to us being friends (and flatmates!) for a year or so beforehand. It was a fucking nightmare to be honest.

On the disclosure point, I don’t think you need to disclose your ‘number’ or swinging at all (unless you plan on partaking again). If you are satisfied that your sexual health is clean, then it isn’t of any relevance to a new relationship. My DH never asked me my number but I wouldn’t tell him even if he did.

Oh Im out now “Im pretty incredible in bed” 🙄

They do though. The number of men with a cuckholding fetish is surprising.

Not that women can’t just do it to get their jollies off too of course. But the fact is, it’s never women coercing men into sex they don’t want.

Thats just awful, I hope you are okay. Its his loss, if he has decided your not for him, theres nothing you can do, which I know is sad. Hey back out there becos you would be ideal for someone else.

Tells you everything you need to know. It was incredible because you guided him, he’s insecure and has no respect for women.
op that was a lucky escape. He’s probably used some form of sex worker and judging you. AVOID

No, but there is no need to know. Yes it’s lying by omission. But Our partners don’t need to know everything about our pasts.

If a man told me he’s a swinger who’d shagged 80 women, I would not proceed further, I simply don’t wish to be in a relationship with a man who was this promiscuous. I respect his right to do it. I don’t wish to be involved with someone who did this. Which is my right. We all have different standards.

if I didn’t know or never knew, then it can’t hurt me.

I have a single male friend now in a relationship, he’s had sex with many many prostitutes. She doesn’t know. He’s not going to cheat on her, and he’s not going to tell her, everyone will have different views on that. But if he did. She would likely end it. I would assume lots of people don’t disclose their past. And I’m going to assume she’s never said have you paid for sex and if so how many times, he would prob say yes and not answer on how often.

the op didn’t need to lie, he didn’t ask her if she was a swinger. She volunteered it. She also didn’t need to tell him how many men had had sex with her.

Yes but he also said

“He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat.”

And that’s a ridiculous thing to say about someone you don’t know.

He steered the conversation, he’s said today, because he knows he’s insecure about it, that he would always ask a number. Reckons 5 or 6 is something he’s comfortable with, but aware at our age that’s not really massively common

And it was completely irrelevant to the convo

Auch well, at least there was a fun roll around. Chances are that would have been as good as it got anyway, realistically it’s usually all down hill from there.

Sorry you’re feeling sad, I’m guessing you may have imagined lovely things in the future and now that’s not going to happen. You’ll find someone else that genuinely accepts you, all of you. I hope you do and for all those saying ‘why did you tell him’ because that’s who you are, don’t change something that’s important to you.

Same. I am married but when single I would not have wanted to date a man with this kind of history. OP Obvs it’s up to you how you live your life, and being honest as you were, is a good thing. But I don’t think it is unusual to find this difficult. I would feel as though I had nothing in common with someone who was really promiscuous and who enjoyed swinging, as I have the opposite type of personality and attitude to relationships. I am not jealous or possessive, I just wanted someone with broadly similar attitudes to me.

Youre incompatible. Hes insecure, jealous, stubborn and potentially uptight about sex. It wouldnt work.

Laughs wont over come value incompatibility. He saved you both time and heartbreak. You'll be fine

Oh no, I know there are plenty of men with a cuck fetish. There are women too though! And plenty of people swing for other reasons. Sorry if I was a bit dismissive but it does grate reading thread after thread of the implication that women never have sex with a lot of people/do something considered a bit unusual because they want to.... I'll get back in my box now :)

This wasn't something lovely, the man is a walking red flag.

Don't look back, you don't want to deal with this man, he's told you who he is.

Again, you didn’t need to lie. You simply didn’t need to give a number. And you certainly didn’t tell him you’re a swinger.