Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Thought everyone knew that if forced to reveal the number (which one should never be) then you take your number and simply divide by 3.

He slut shamed you. That's the honest truth you need to hear. He is not a good man.

He may have even got off on hearing about your past relationships, even more likely he got off on making you feel bad about them.

There is absolutely no need to have this discussion a week into knowing someone. Ever.

As long as you are clear of anything sti wise and don’t have a history of cheating on everyone it’s probably not anyone else’s business but your own. Provided none of the exs are still in your life, what does it matter?

I wouldn’t tell some random guy I’d known a week anything about my sexual past. That’s stuff you can maybe share if you’re in a committed relationship if you want but this guy isn’t even your bf.

Your history is irrelevant unless you intend to repeat it in a way that would hurt this person.

…maybe she did xD

The number is about 80, and the unusual aspect is swinging.

That’s something I feel I should be honest with a potential partner about right?

Sounds like you need better boundaries. You could be opening yourself up to all sorts.

Get to know a guy gradually. No more than 2 dates a week. The first date shouldn’t be longer than about 2 hours. Don’t build false intimacy, take your time getting to know him.

9 hours for a first date is ridiculous. Plan coffee or a few drinks and have a plan afterwards with friends so you definitely can’t stay longer than 2 hours.

And for the love of god, like everyone else has already said, don’t even think about telling him anything about your previous sex life. No decent man asks a woman anything about that until it gets to the point where you’re intimate together and even then the questions are more about what you like in bed, not how many men you’ve slept with.

Honestly, it sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape with this guy because there are so many red flags just from what you’ve shared in your OP!

I think you did the right thing being open about your sexual past. For the right guy this would be fascinating aspect of you, and of course he'd be able to handle it.
I think if the relationship had progressed this insecurity of his would have put you off him eventually. You just skipped forward a bit.
You'll find someone else who is more right for you. He wasn't right enough. Xx

I doubt he’s the lovely guy he’s coming across as if this is such a big issue. Probably hugely jealous and self absorbed. Of course he managed to hide that for a week though. Good luck to him finding someone the same age with no sexual history. He’s probably ex for a good reason too

"That’s something I feel I should be honest with a potential partner about right?"

No!!!

I mean I would just run for the hills if a man told me this, I could never get over it.
I think you probably should be honest assuming you want to meet someone like you?

I know it seemed lovely, OP, but I don't think it would have stayed lovely. At least he told you sooner rather than later, when you might have felt even more attached to him.

Maybe if it was with Reggie and Mavis your next door neighbours you might need to tell someone about that before it gets serious but otherwise nah I wouldn’t share it. So long as it’s the relatively distant past and you don’t plan on dragging him into it to.

lol. Are you into swinging and want to do it in the future with a new partner?

I mean yeah. That’s relevant info

I think the swinging aspect might put people off all right tbh.

I’m not interested in swinging again, and haven’t been involved in it for a number of years. It was mostly with a previous partner as something we did together, then a little on my own when that ended.

Just want to meet a nice, decent guy now. Thought I had, and unfortunately i scared him off.

Both aspects are well outside the "norms", so it's hardly surprising a "vanilla" potential partner has been put off. Sorry! I think you need to be looking for someone with a sex-drive/sexual preferences more similar to your own.

I would not say the number but say somthing like 'more than ten'

As for the swinging, if it comes up I would say you have tried it in the past and are willing to do it again as you enjoyed it.

I wouldn't lie about the swinging, in case it is revealed later on and ruins things for you.

80 would be an absolute no for me, so I would say keep it to yourself s it's no ones buisness. Being proud about it would make me run for the hills

The numbers question should never be bought up by yourself and is a red flag if raised by a man. They never actually want to know so a simple Good Lord nothing good can come of that should shut it down. I have a very colourful past I grew up in a village where it was the only real past time was married in my 20s then single for 15 years my count is high much much much higher than my husband who I met in our 40s with him coming from a 25 year marriage. It came up when we first started dating and we quickly agreed no good would come and in 18 years together we both jokingly now avoid it. In regards to this man you should see it as a lucky escape from a man with low self awareness of his subconscious misogyny.

If your number is so high that you think it's a deal breaker then it is going to kind of limit future dating, not because there's anything wrong in having a past but I guess people may judge. However conversations around numbers are very unhelpful, I've not known for my 2 husbands and nor do I want to. Avoid in the future, it's a very intrusive question, if you are asked you can just say 'why do you want to know?' I honestly think for many men anything into double figures is seen as being negative

If you're a swinger and that's something you want to continue with then honestly, I think a future DP does have a right to know. Like the guy I had a drink with and he told me 'I'm a foot fetishist'. If you are into something that's not run of the mill and it's an intrinsic part of who you are and the way you live your life then I do think you need to know that any future partner is into it and I also think they have a right to know, right from the get-go.

i Know, that’s why I always feel I should be honest about it.

But it’s really not the seedy thing people imagine, not that that matters

I think if you’re a swinger that’s had sex with about 80 men, that’s not something you should share with virtual strangers. You simply had to say it’s private information and you don’t discuss that early on. You didn’t need to lie.

there is a lot of men who will struggle with this, and there is a lot of women, who would struggle with a man who said this, I would.

If I met a man who said he’d had sex with 80 women and was a swinger, I would also walk away. It’s a level of promiscuity I’m personally uncomfortable with. Which doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it’s just not within my own boundaries.

We ended up discussing our sexual histories in the first date. I've also met virtually everyone he's slept with 😂. Together nearly 2 decades, very happy. We were just very open with eachother from the outset.

So it's not necessarily always a no, but it really depends on the situation and why it comes up I think.

Here it's a shame that it gave him the ick, but better him be aware enough to walk away I guess.

Took so long typing I missed all the updates, ignore my post!

I absolutely wasn’t saying it proudly, I really struggled to get the number out. I’m aware it’s high.