Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

The OP has, through her past behaviour demonstrated that she is OK with casual sex.
Given that, he has, reasonably asked (not forced) if she'd be in a fwb with him while being honest in that he doesn't want a relationship.

I see nothing wrong with that.
He has suggested a casual relationship, she has refused. No harm, no foul.

He's not a machine the OP can put sex tokens into and get a relationship out of.

Yes thanks. I have a young adult child and teenage steps. Their sex lives are NONE OF MY BUSINESS. their choices of spouses are theirs, not mine!

I guess we will never know how you’d feel knowing your daughter was marrying a swinger unless it actually happens . But sure…. Speculate that you’d be totally chilled about it

Yes, not the words I would associate with BB!!
If she is a persons role model, then they are in a very dark place!! 😀

I am a swinger
My husband is a swinger
WHY do you think I would have a negative opinion of my son in law for being a swinger??

Ah, missed that.

Maybe she slept with thousands

Why on earth would anyone know if their adult child was a swinger or marrying a swinger? This is private intimate information between adults in which no parent has any business being involved.

Do/did you discuss your sex life with your parents?

I am reminded of Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral - Andie McDowell's character (Carrie?) said she'd had over 30 partners and it was fine!

I think you've had a lucky escape OP, it's his issue not yours.

Hi @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis

I’ve read all your updates and glad you are feeling better.

I think ultimately you are just incompatible. And it’s ok to be sad about that….but he does sound hypocritical and I do think he’s no great loss.

it’s a tough one because i absolutely would run a mile from a man who had been a swinger. It’s not something I would ever do so I would always feel inferior that he’d done it with an ex.

but likewise, I wouldn’t like this being hidden from me. I would want to know at the start so I could make an informed decision.

so it’s just unfortunate that you feel so differently about it.

I do have a couple of questions though, if I may?

what makes you so incredible in bed? Is it confidence? Enthusiasm? Tricks and skills?

Also, you describe swinging couples that are devoted to each other. I’ve heard this before but never understood it. Could you elaborate, please? Maybe it just comes down to people’s personalities, but I can’t understand how people could do that and not feel jealousy etc. I can’t imagine ever feeling ok with the fact that my vagina isn’t enough for my husbands that he has to go swinging with other ones. It’s just not for me.

I can’t for a second imagine why either of my daughters would share information about their prospective partner’s sexual history. I would hope I’d raised them to make their own decisions and trust themselves. Because in the end the only opinions that matter are those of the people in the relationship.

Btw I’ve yet to meet a woman who describes other women as ‘females’ so assume you’re a man. Which would track.

No shit.

Well this thread has been enlightening. I’m not a swinger, not sure I’d have the social battery for it, but those of you who are sound a lot more thoughtful and kind than those who want to demean the OP for choosing what to do with her own body.

But you're ignoring a huge and important part of this which is that OP and this guy met on the premise that they both wanted a relationship, he spent a week proceeding on that basis, on the mutual understanding that they were both keen on something potentially long term and committed.

He then finds out that OP has slept with more than his acceptable limit of six people and doesn't want to pursue a relationship. Fine - that's his right, he can decide any person isn't who he wants to be in a relationship with for any reason.

But to tell OP - the person he had been pursuing a romantic relationship with but then disregarded on the basis that he's uncomfortable with her sexual history - that he considers her good enough for sex but not for a relationship? That's utterly shit behaviour. He knew OP wanted something serious and liked him, so offering her a FWB situation was him explicitly offering something he knew would be harmful to her emotional well-being and self esteem just because he still wanted the very same sex he was judging OP for having. It's an absolutely disgusting double standard and a breathtakingly clear example of the harmful Madonna/ whore complex that creepy men apply to women.

There is a lot of wide-eyed 'but OP likes casual sex so it's fair game for any man to treat her like a sex object' on this thread. How many of you would consider it totally acceptable and nice manners for a man to tell you 'I only want to be in a relationship with a virgin, but I'll still fuck you if you like'. If that makes you uncomfortable then congrats! You know exactly why this guy was a prick to OP.

I’ve avoided answering any of these questions, because they appear to be from men, but I do think your message seems genuine.

I think what makes me a good lover is all of those things, I’m fit, flexible, enthusiastic, confident, and have definitely picked up tips and tricks that can blow people away at times which I love, I really enjoy seeing people being pleasured and happy.

The couples I’ve met are so devoted. They just want to see each other happy, sexually satisfied and that’s for both the men and women in the couple. They have these meet-ups with people, both have loads of fun, then go back to their normal lives and continue loving each other completely, while sharing this kinky little secret. it’s not about one partner not being enough for the other, it’s about both partners wanting to see each other beyond happy, satisfied, excited. I honestly think for the right people, it can bring them closer and it’s lovely to see couples that are so solid they are able to engage in activity like this, they trust each other 100%.

Thanks to @LilacBalloonsand all of the other lovely understanding posters who have understood why I may have been upset, and not just written me off like this man did (you know who you all are! x).

I understand that my number is a dealbreaker for some, which is why I’ve been honest to a fault about it until now. I believe everyone has a right to an informed decision as I’ve said.

If this man had said, I’m not comfortable continuing because of the number of people you’ve slept with, the sexual experience you have and the way you’ve come about that experience… completely fine! I’d be sad obviously, but I really respect honestly and I absolutely 100% get it. Anyone can not pursue a relationship for any reason and I couldn’t respect that more.

But what he did was try and pass it off as a ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ type situation, and had the audacity to still want the casual sex he has judged me so harshly for, that he added to! 😅 He has the audacity to question my behaviour when he’s had 15 sexual partners and never once and STI test (I already have a postal test winging its way to me!) and has the audacity to expect a partner of his to have 1/3 of the sexual experience he has.

Im no longer upset, I realise we’re not compatible. It was a fun week but I’m glad this is not progressing any further, it has disaster written all over it.

Anyway, thanks to everyone, you’ve made me come to terms with this much quicker than if I’d had to deal with this in a vacuum, it’s not really the type of thing I can discuss with too many people ❤️

OP, I am glad you are feeling a bit brighter. It’s ok to feel disappointed when your hopes have been dashed. No matter how it all happened