Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

There are some utter loons about!!

No, like others here I had a more active youth, but then grew out if it, the same way you grow out if binge drinking or similar. I'm not against casual sex. But in terms of sheer numbers, 80 men must mean standards are low.

I would happily sleep with a man who was all the things listed above. But in my 20s, when I was batting them away with a stick, not many were actually high quality men. So I slept with the ones who I wanted to, while turning down the other 98%. But I could easily have just slept with them all if I wanted validation or to feel beautiful or liked or was looking for something to boost my self esteem. But I didn't need to. And often the men I was attracted to and slept with it turned into something serious that took me off the market for a while, as I was a catch.
That's what I mean, that's why I find it sad.

Exactly this.

Clearly

I don't know what consent has to do with this particular situation.

He ASKED her if she wanted to be an fwb, he did not force her into anything.

So, sometimes men you did think were ‘quality men’ (what a horrible term) were not so nice after all?

Again, based on age and active years, 4 a year isn’t an enormous number. And OP wasn’t having one night stands, she was swinging, so I imagine (she can correct if I’m wrong) that might include multiple people per time. I think that’s different than a serial dater, but either way I don’t think it’s for me to say whether the men were ‘quality’ or not. In any case some not so nice men can be terribly attractive, but absolutely not people you’d stay with for any length of time.

It’s all subjective, so I just don’t see how anyone can see the OP has low self esteem based on one data point. Saying she does feels rather like an attempt to put her down. For what I don’t know, maybe your self esteem isn’t as solid as you think?

The eww men are gross so swinging is degrading posters haven't considered that a good number of those 80 are probably women!

They think sexual promiscuity is in itself a mental health disorder. Much like the Victorians of the bedlam era.

Good point, stupidly neither had I!

I would find it a lot more impressive if they were mostly women!

It's not about purity and chastity.

Everybody has a past, the OP's, however is pretty extreme, is it not?

If a female friend told me that she'd met a man who was into swinging and had 80 partners and wanted my advice I'd certainly be saying that may be he wasn't the best man to have a long-term relationship with and to hold out for someone else.

As I suspect would the vast majority of posters in reality if they weren't getting into a tizzy about misogyny or other such words that don't really apply here.

As if any female here would be happy if her daughter ended up with a swinger who'd had 80 women.
It's laughable.

I imagine you are pearl clutching when people raise concern or disgust about Bonnie Blue too, who despite claiming loudly to be empowered is dead behind the eyes and haunted looking. Or am I just putting her down too?

Look, OP asked for opinions. I am not going to be shamed out of my opinion, which is that 80 + swinging is gross. Lots of people feel this way. If she doesn't want to be ruled out for it, she should keep it confidential. No one else ever has to know. It's all very well saying 'who are you to judge' - well, I am free to judge and so is every potential partner. You haven't convinced me I am in any way wrong, I have felt this way all my life and will continue to feel it.

No pearls here, only diamonds.

BB is problematic in the way porn actors are problematic. But are you really comparing a private citizen having consensual sex with someone selling pornographic content? Quite odd.

I’ve no interest in shaming you, I’m wondering why you can’t give an opinion without using words like ‘sad’ or ‘gross’ or how you can assess whether OP has low self esteem. You can say, as many others have, ‘that’s not for me’ without demeaning someone. The fact that someone of your age would keep needing to say ‘it’s gross’ and such like is honestly strange to me. But each to their own.

🤣
Well fair play, you have won me over with your diamond necklace comment..

So I can’t possibly read every single comment… this thread really took off 🙈

But just on this….good observation! Yes, I’m bisexual so about 1/3 of my body count is women.

And for posters saying I can’t possibly have found 80 funny, attractive, clean, sexy people to have sex with… I’m incredibly picky believe it or not. Everyone I have slept with through swinging has been very attractive, fun and extremely sexy. And most of all clean! Swingers take their sexual health and safe sex incredibly seriously, it’s a non negotiable with everyone I’ve slept with. I’ve always met with couples prior to any sex (and after exchanging messages, pictures) to ensure that there’s attraction, and most of all, that there’s respect and we all agree on boundaries. The idea of letting any old dirty guy or girl have a go at a swing club is hilarious. I’ve never even been to clubs!

Some people’s perceptions of swinging and of my own standards are quite amusing! 😅

And those saying no one would ever marry a swinger… you have no idea of the number of married couples around you who engage in swinging! It’s enormous and they’re probably the ones you least suspect 😅

Not sad or gross to sleep with lots of women then? How does that make sense??

I agree.
The hypocrisy on this thread is outstanding.
No female here would be happy if her daughter started seeing a man who was a swinger that had 80 women.
Not one.

This does not mean he has to be a virgin, heck no, but 80? And a swinger! That's too much.

They'd be all hoping it fizzled out so they didn't end up with an unsuitable son-in-law who found it hard to bond with one woman as he'd been simply exposed to too many of them.

This guy in the OP ruled the OP out for a relationship and I do not blame him one bit.