Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Why on earth did you tell him?

Because I’m a stupidly honest person, and I don’t believe in starting a relationship on a foundation of lies?

I'm stupidly honest too, but it isn't lying if you tell someone that the question is too personal and not really any of their business.

Multiple red flags here, tbh.

Oh my god - what ARE you doing?

your sexual history is not his business and his in not yours. Honestly, shut down conversations like this in future … I wouldn’t dream of telling my husband how many men I’ve had sex with and he quite honestly would not give a fuck anyway. Who actually cares?

oh hang on. We know who cares … jealous, insecure men .. and there is nothing less attractive than that

just move on. It wasn’t ‘lovely,’ because it wasn’t real. You don’t know this man but he’s helpfully shown you what he is … a bit of a prick

and next time? Take my advice … you do not owe any partner your entire past life. Trust me on this

He sounds a bit of a prat… no wonder he’s single! Unless a grown adult woman has been living under a rock, you have a past. It’s not nice but it’s a fatal flaw in him.

Ah I had something similar. Had tried internet dating after splitting from H of many years, met a few duds and thought I wouldn’t meet someone. Then went on 2 dates with someone where there was amazing chemistry, seemed to have a lot in common, had a laugh together, but he wasn’t ready to date (still complicated with his ex). I was gutted! He’d seemed so lovely. Had a cry, shrugged my shoulders and decided to give up on internet dating! I tried Bumble banter a few weeks later - genuinely thinking ‘I don’t know why I’m bothering, I never make a meaningful connection doing this’ and the last person I matched with was the person I fell madly in love with! Still together 4 years later.
It’s okay to be gutted when it doesn’t pan out. I’ve only had chemistry with a few people in my life and it’s hard to let it go, even if you know it’s wise.

I suspect if he'd been feeling as keen on you as you were on him, he wouldn't have let your sexual history deter him. For whatever reason, he wasn't really feeling it, and this gave him an excuse to end it. It's the old, old, story I'm afraid 'he's just not that into you.'

@HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis a foundation of lies?!!! Stop it now! Nobody requires access to your past life

are you very young?

It’s hardly a foundation of lies. But I also think you need to be mindful of your own boundaries. You really shouldn’t be feeling sad after only a week. He got the ick and thats that.

OP... you can not tell a lie without also telling the truth. Noone actually feels better 'knowing' the number of their partner, low or high. You should always dodge the question as too personal. Me and my husband have never said our pre marriage numbers and never will.

Exactly what the first poster said. There's honest and there's honest. I really don't understand why this comes up with adults, it's a non issue. And if it genuinely bothers him then he's not such a great guy I'm afraid.

9 hours on a first date when going for a cup of tea?!

Yes and the posters saying you don’t need to shine a light on your past, are 100% correct. I’ve had a bit of colour in my life, my DH of 20 years has never asked! Who cares?

I mean, I’ll give him this (IF he leaves you alone) at least he seems to have some emotional accountability. Which is rare. To recognise one’s weaknesses and walk away from in appropriate relationships. Respect.

But honestly the 9 hour date and the “oh I know you’re trustworthy” shpeel….eeeeeh.

Long dates foster false intimacy.

You don’t know him and he knows shit about you. Well, apart from what you’ve just told him. Keep dates short in future.

That way bare minimum if it doesn’t work out, at least you aren’t too attached.

Lucky escape mate

There’s lies and then there’s “not his business”. If you were a porn star then maybe that’s something that he needs to know, a few months in. Otherwise, nope, not his business.

On the one hand, it's none of his business and ok to keep your sexual history private.

On the other hand, if I went on a date with a guy and found out he had slept with loads of people, it would give me the ick too and I would end it there.

Okay I suppose this is what I need to hear, as hard as it is to read.

To be fair, my ‘number’ is quite high. I can see how it could be a dealbreaker, I just really hoped it wouldn’t be.

So honesty is not the best policy I suppose? I just always feel like I owe honesty to potential partners, because I’m a genuinely honest person. And I suppose because my sexual history is unusual, I guess I think someone deserves to know these things so they can make an informed decision about whether I’m the type of person they want to date.

I know I just said it's ok to keep it private...

But what is the number, and what is the 'unusual' aspect of it?

I’m so sorry. Maybe next time don’t discuss these things, it’s better they stay in the past.
FWIW I would really struggle with someone who had more than a few partners. It isn’t insecurity, it’s more a feeling that someone who has slept with a lot of people (say more than about 8-10) just is fundamentally very different from and takes things less seriously than me.

Stated in the OP she's 38.

@HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis "Because I’m a stupidly honest person, and I don’t believe in starting a relationship on a foundation of lies?"

You'd known him a week, what relationship?

It has zero to do with your sexual history tbf, but it's a valuable lesson for you.

Be smart, keep your own counsel, no-one deserves to know your "number", why would it even be discussed? 🤷

Ah look, he’s ended it in as nice a way as he can. He’s answered any questions I had, and me for any questions he had. He just feels like he couldn’t get past it.

And I know it’s only been a week, it’s ridiculous. It’s just that we clicked so instantly, we’re so similar, and for the first time in years I was genuinely excited and happy about something 😢

I wouldn't be discussing my sexual history in a week long relationship, or probably ever TBH.
But he sounds like he'd have been hard work, so you've probably had a lucky escape.

He sounds an eejit and it sounds a bit intense.