Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Not on a first date/week in. Maybe if things look like getting serious. But to be honest , it doesnt matter it’s the number is 1 or 100 ..if he doesnt want to be with you ,he doesnt and thats that. Doesnt make either of you right or wrong.

But seriously..dont be getting this involved after only a week.

I don't think he is jealous or insecure for this to be an issue.

No way would I entertain being with someone who had slept with 80 people and been a swinger. People can live how they like and I don't care what people are up to, but I just find it a bit grubby and it would imply to me that the person has low standards/self esteem - No offense OP, I'm sure you had a great time and I don't begruge you living your best life at all! Just in terms of my own sexual partner

Can I just say what we’re all thinking…
he doesn’t want you to be experienced because then you’d have realised how shit in bed he is.

Did you enjoy yourself at least?

Sounds like a hell of a party. I can’t even find one bloke I’d like to shag these days haha.

Honestly though if you’re not into all that anymore I probably wouldn’t even bring it up. Everyone has a past.

and so.. what have you learned going forward @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis ? 🌸

eta; named wrong poster, apologies

I think the number is irrelevant and no one else’s business but I do think the swinging is important. It would be a deal breaker for lots of people. I think you did the right thing in telling him about that, because now he can make an informed decision. You could have waited 6 months to tell him and he would likely still have called it off so although you have every right to be disappointed, he just wasn’t the one for you.

@HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis OK. That puts a very new angle on it. 80 sexual partners alone would give me the ick but I would definitely take my leave if a bloke told me he'd been a swinger. I personally think you're better off keeping that to yourself, unless it's likely to be discovered by a future partner.

I’m not thinking that.

Or that his 4 inches is not "average" sized.

But I also think that there are plenty of people/men who wouldn't care at all, and they will be a much better fit for you

I’m not thinking that at all. If the situation was reversed, lots of people would be saying “Good for you. You can stop seeing someone for any reason you like “ etc etc

Or that rutting up and down on you for sixty seconds and then asking if it was “good for you” isn’t going to cut it.

But surely if I’d left it weeks or months to answer this question, the outcome would be the same, I’d just be more heartbroken? Is it not better to get it out in the open earlier?

Or maybe I’m learning I should never get it out in the open. It just feels wrong to not be honest and give someone the info they deserve to make an informed decision

But op that question shouldn’t ever be asked.

No one should be asking you for your body count.

Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. If you’re sure a decent guy won’t get boring for you I would just keep this very firmly in the past. A man has no business pressing you for this information. Honestly me and my husband have never had the numbers conversation, nor did we talk about our exes… we wanted to focus on the future not the past.

Sorry but a nice decent guy will be put offf by that .. I personally would run a mile although no judgement. Don’t share this again , it’s only relevant if you want to pursue swinging in your next relationship. You sound lovely but v naive

If you're not looking for a swinging partner now, just don’t bring it up. It’s not lying. This is seriously one to leave in the past.

Honestly, yes, I’ve had some really good times and met some lovely people. It really isn’t the seedy thing people think it is. For me it was just other discreet professionals who enjoy a less vanilla sex life. Always comfortable, safe etc.

I would actually say what a disrespectful question, someone’s number is none of your business, people aren’t cars that depreciate with ‘owners’ and to go to therapy, because everyone has a past.
please lay off MENZ RIGHTS and THIS IS MISANDRY!!1!! because this thread isn’t about that

My number is high too and I wouldn’t fucking dare tell anyone what that number is. If someone asks me I said I don’t know, not many, but I have casually dated, or something like that. It’s HIGH. I know that men don’t like that. When I was with exdp he never once asked me, but he hadn’t been with anybody for 6 years before me. Mine naturally was going to be way higher, it’s about the same as yours OP. it’s nobody’s bloody business and you should keep it to yourself. We don’t have to tell our partners absolutely everything.

Well TBF if a bloke told me that on a date, you wouldn't see me for dust, so I can't say I blame him for balking. 🤷‍♀️

Not necessarily.

Might make for a good laugh conversation wise. And she might know some tricks in bed.

Probably have to be a guy that’s pretty chill though,

Right! I love the hypocrisy on this site. So all the posters saying no, don't tell him etc. You would all be fine with dating a guy and finding out months/years down the line he was into swinging? Wouldn't bother you at all? You wouldn't be here posting he should have told you at the beginning etc.
OP, for what its worth i think you did the right think and he was not unreasonable to say that was an issue for him. It was a week, enjoy it for what it was, a week fling.

You really don't need to be so honest a casual tried that wasn't for me covers most things and your body count doesn't seem that high to me

Where the fuck am I talking about men’s rights? Im just saying we normally support a WOMAN’S right to end a relationship on any grounds if thats what she wants to do.