DCs resenting and blaming me for divorce

[MonocleMrMan]

Can anyone offer me any advice or reassurance, I'm feeling really low. I left DH 7 years ago, after being treated like crap for many years (no abuse). He always said he'd make sure the kids knew it was me that broke up the family. Now they are older (15 and 18) I feel that is happening, and I am struggling with how to navigate it.

I don't want to start telling them what a prick their dad was/is (obviously)! But I do feel I need to justify the split, more specifically than just 'some marriages don't work' 'it takes two'/general age appropriate stuff, which is what I've said until now.

I am sensing they blame me (and I know it is being fuelled by their dad), and I do feel guilty, I constantly feel I want to justify it to them, but I am mindful of not wanting to damage them further or make it worse for them
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I'm scared they judge me or will resent me, and will not understand the complexity of marriage and relationships until they are older. DD (18) has autism and it is her I am particularly worried about as she is being manipulated by her dad and I feel I'm losing her. How do I defend myself and still protect my DC from further upset? We have 50/50 care and I can't change this.

I’ve found I’ve had no choice but to be honest with my kids to dispel the utter bullshit my ex was spinning, including a complete lie that I cheated and that’s why I left him. I get that we shouldn’t bad mouth the other parent unduly (like they have) but I see no harm in giving a transparent account to an older teen of why you left their father. It’s not worth risking your relationship with them to stay quiet. Be factual and brief then let them mull that over. It did my daughter no harm and in fact probably protected her from his poison. Oh and I also made sure if she was told anything by him, never just assume it’s true, come to me for the other side of the story, which she now does.

Don't leave him up there on his pedestal... They are old enough to know facts.

They are older now, and perhaps it is time to start telling them a bit more of what went on. Difficult I know, especially since one of your dc has autism, but on the other hand, the autistic young adults I know seem to cope better with the full facts rather than only knowing part of the story. It appears that your ex has told them his side, so maybe you now need to tell them from your perspective.

I think you need to just be honest, especially given your daughter has autism as she might really, really struggle with the idea you 'lied' (by omission) later on in her life.
But dont make it a casual conversation, or as a response to dad's lie, as then it will feel more hearsay, tit for tat. If i were you i'd sit down specifically, when things are calm and say look, you've mentioned your dad has said a lot of things about why we broke up, and I wanted to talk to you about it now you are a bit older and explain what happened. You may need help figuring it out to be age appropriate, yes, but if you come to them like adults, and say im telling you this because I can understand you are confused about what dad's been saying and I want to make sure you know that its something you can come and talk to me about if you have questions or get sad and angry, and that you know I'll always support your relationship with your dad even if we dont get on, it will go a long way. Might still be rocky for a few years, but your OP makes it clear you will go about it sensitively and not storm in with 'your dads a prick' with loads of snide comments, so have some faith in yourself. You know what your kids dont need as well as you know what they do need. You can even say 'i didnt want to make comments on why we broke up before now because its a serious topic and I want you to know I treat it with respect and dont want to just bring it up for no reason' or some variation of. I dont think they are older enough to really get 'dads a prick for saying anything to you at all about this and forcing me to have this conversation' but maybe other posters may disagree and have good ideas on how to tackle that (if at all?) Sorry he's put you in this position.

Honesty is the best policy. He's running with parental alienation and it's working because he's put you in the wrong with him and is playing the victim. What he's doing is very damaging for them. Breaking the parental bond will have lifelong repercussions.

Later on, they'll have the life experience to see through his bullshit, but right now they don't. So you have to set the record straight and they need to hear your side of the story. You don't have to shit talk him, but be open.

Start with there's two sides to this because you dad and I see things differently. I'd like to talk about what happened from my point of view and then I'd like to hear yours.

Thanks so much for the advice. This is such a lovely, supportive part of MN. I feel better about talking about it to them now.

What is hard is that there isn't any big or specific thing he did wrong. It was more 'death by a thousand cuts'. I was treated like a skivvy and carried all the load, the usual story. That said, he was an inflexible bully. I reached peri-meno and just had enough. So it does feel a bit selfish as I broke up the home because I was unhappy, not desperate or abused.

I'd focus on talking about the things you need in a partner or find important to have in relationships. You don't have to add "and your father never did it!".

You don't need to be desperate or abused to leave a unhappy marriage! Just be honest with your children. Don't have to dwell on things, or give them too much detail, but tell them you were not treated well, you were unhappy and deserved better, there was no lack of integrity or dishonesty on your part, but you needed to move on and you did. They will understand in time.

I would definitely be honest with them. Think of how you can frame it, the inequality, the mental load etc, write it down so you can control the narrative. I am happily married and Dh is my favourite person, he feels the same way about me. What I did do for my sons (because I was a sahm so did the majority of the housework which they saw) was point out that when they were younger Dh came home, rolled up his sleeves and we were genuinely 50/50. We tag teamed when one was tired or just needed a break. They saw every day a woman doing the domestic load but also Dh cooking, baking and prioritising them and we both pointed out what the other parent did for them.

We also pointed out in movies (Twilight) and TV shows (Gilmore Girls, Friends, Big Bang Theory, Modern Family) all the problematic relationships, what was controlling, weird and disrespectful but passed off as comedy (Phil constantly fawning after Gloria) or downright dangerous (Leonard finally getting to date Penny because he asked her a million times and wore her down not accepting no as an answer) because yes we as parents can model a relationship but watching other people portray relationships gives them a wider understanding of what is positive and what is negative. I know it sounds really wanky but I wanted to raise my sons to be epic partners.

You might be able to draw on other relationships to show them what is fair and equal. There is Dustin Poynter on Tiktok who does red flag green flag responses to relationships. Also Jimmy below and this is one of the best videos to highlight men swanning off for hours on end.

https://youtube.com/shorts/5QrkWtMcyQE?si=YoBMM_YVdi_EjMfL

Hi op! Sorry you are going through this!

First I would say that your dc are of an age when they tend to resent you anyway! 😁

I don’t mean to make light of your situation but please don’t take it personally as it is a perfectly normal developmental stage! They have to move away from you and your values to a certain extent, in order to individuate as independent adults. This sometimes can feel like they hate you or reject you but they still love you really!

It’s the challenging period when teens look at us objectively and see us as ordinary people with flaws who can’t fix everything and they resent us for it! They also test us to see if we are a strong enough base off which they can launch themselves in to the world!

Add to that SEN, your break up, and parental alienation from your ex (what a complete arse he is being) and the dc are bound to be playing up a bit!

My advice would be to take a breath, step back, don’t take it personally, remain strong and as cheerful as you can and develop your own friendships and interests to boost yourself up so that any rejection from the dc is not as painful and you can remain emotionally well regulated.

Also, in your shoes, I would be delivering simple non-specific age appropriate information to your dc about your marriage and your ex using “I” statements eg I found the relationship difficult or challenging too. I know your dad holds that opinion but my perspective is somewhat different. You don’t have to go in to detail or be too specific. Play the long game. This is a temporary phase that will pass. Once they are in their mid twenties and thirties it will become all too clear to them unfortunately what their dad is really like. And by that stage you will have done so much more for them too.