I can tell he loves her

[TwisterSister208]

My DH was diagnosed with Alzheimers 6 years ago. I was taking care of him at home but he is now in a care setting. Right now he is physically in good shape but has almost no short term recollection. Things from the past pop up regularly in conversation.

We went to a festival in our town this Saturday last. A woman we know (I wouldn't call us friends) walked up to say hello and my DH's face completely lit up! He reached out for her and said "where have you been to, love? I have been waiting for you". The happiness on his face was so clear. He completely turned his attention to her and from the things he was saying it was clear that in his mind she is much more than an acquaintance. The woman (who is married and much younger than we are) seemed uncomfortable but spoke to him kindly. His long time best mate was there and he looked like he wished the earth would swallow him up. After a while she said her goodbyes and walked away. My DH seemed confused and I could tell he was looking for her frantically but not making a ruckus. When we went to leave we walked by her again and he took her by the arm, then cradled her face and told her he loved her. She had tears in her eyes and said she loved him too. She and I locked eyes and it was almost comforting.

I tried to speak to him about it on the car ride back but he was tired and withdrawn. I'm not sure he would have responded anyway. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, before his illness. His work kept him away from home quite a lot. I'm wondering if he knows her better than I certainly realized. I am stunned.

"My great uncle had Alzheimer’s. He thought his wife was an assistant from the office (this was many years before he passed). When she got into bed at night he said “you seem really nice but I’m married so I don’t think this is appropriate”. "

I can't decide if this is sad or sweetly reassuring. Both, really.

Maybe she reminds him of you from when you met?

My experience of close family members with dementia is that they are not in their right mind, and you can't really read into this kind of interaction. It was very probably a moment of confusion rather than lucidity.

If they had an affair then surely she wouldn't come over and say hello when he's with you?
Maybe his friend looked uncomfortable because it was someone your dh had a crush on but it that was is it? Or maybe the friend had a crush on her?

Like others have said Alzheimers plays with the mind. He might remember someone how they looked years ago and maybe she looks like someone he knew when they were younger? He didn't say her name so you can't be sure she is who he believes her to be. He could even have mistaken her for a younger version of you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and of course terribly sorry for him. Please make sure you have lots of support, you cannot be with him all the time, it's bad for your mental health and over time he will need more and more support, it's best to get carers and respite sorted while he is still mostly functional.

He doesn't love her, OP. He may have thought it was you, or his mum, who knows. You poor thing. Sending hugs.

Because the post I quoted and was responding to implied that all that mattered was whether the dh would remember the encounter.

Thats not all that matters and I was responding to that poster along those lines.

The op is entitled to be concerned- though I specifically mentioned the possibility you mention.

your own experience isn’t the only experience.

Dementia is so cruel. I feel for you@TwisterSister208

They live in a completely different world to us and I found that inserting myself into their world was the best way to go. Sadly, there's no point trying to work out what's happening as their brain no longer work in the same way.

There are some really good dementia resources online though. I can recommend belightcare on Instagram. She really helps break it all down so that communication becomes so much easier. Please look her up. I found she really changed my perception and it helped me cope a bit better as my understanding improved.

Please take care of yourself too. 💐

Did she look like you when you were younger??

its a really cruel disease for everyone involved.
Very upsetting for you and probably confusing for him. I wonder if she reminded him of younger you?

Thankfully the vast majority of posters see this for what it obviously is. A man in the advanced stages of a degenerative brain disease, who is confused and doesn't know what he's saying or who he's talking to.

Any comments along the lines of:

You'll never know for sure OP.
Her reaction was telling/concerning.
Maybe he had a crush on her once.
You could ask the friend about their history.

Are blindingly ignorant, bordering on downright idiotic. Why would anyone post this nonsense?

Can you imagine being the woman involved here, finding yourself in an uncomfortable situation but being kind and going along with it so as not to cause distress. Then being asked afterwards if you'd had an affair with the man! I mean FFS it's so ridiculous. If it was me I'd feel so insulted and creeped out, and it would potentially change how I'd approach a situation like this in the future.

For the last few years of his life my Dad did not know who I was. He didn’t remember my Mum whom he was married to for 50 years so there was no point trying to tell him I was his daughter. He knew that he knew me somehow, I was familiar to him. The day before he died I think he had clarity and knew me then. It’s a very distressing disease for all the loved ones.

I worked for many years with people with dementia illnesses. Please do not read anything untoward into this. I have heard so many instances of this sort of misunderstanding.

Did he actually remember her name, or did he just call her love. Because if he didn't then he's definitely just mistaken her for someone else - possibly a younger you.

My Grandma (Lewy-Body dementia) was convinced that her massive hernia was a pregnancy, and that she was young and therefore her husband must be young and so for her, my little brother was her husband. Their brains form a logical story out of the fragmented things they are remembering at any point in time.

oh my love. He thinks she is someone else. Perhaps you when you were younger or his mum or sister or cousin. My dad had Alzheimer's when I was a teenager. If he saw a young girl with long brown hair he thought it was me - because his brain told him I was a child. Don't take it personally. If I was the younger woman I would almost certainly react exactly the same because I would know that it would make him happy in the short term. And it would make me cry too. She was very kind. And you are very kind too. Xx

I hope the responses have been a help to you. I also wanted to say I’m sure it’s painful for most of us to see the look of love from a dear husband or wife to another (even if it is under this situation and maybe not real). it still hurts knowing your partner is going through this decline and confusion which equally can cause heartache to loved ones. You may feel at s loss at times but their are others here that have walked your road. Take care of you ❤

Strange language ? And why would spending time discussing personal experience of dementia be ‘silly stuff’? It’s provoked discussion and hopefully some reassurance for the OP.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to my post. I'm sure many of your suffered emotionally during your situations. And now we carry on.

I’m so sorry OP but I echo what others have said. He might have mistaken her for someone he knew years ago (before you) or it might have been a mix of all kinds of things. It’s a very cruel disease and the hardest part for carers is to not take it personally - a near impossible task when it obviously is deeply personal.