I can tell he loves her

[TwisterSister208]

My DH was diagnosed with Alzheimers 6 years ago. I was taking care of him at home but he is now in a care setting. Right now he is physically in good shape but has almost no short term recollection. Things from the past pop up regularly in conversation.

We went to a festival in our town this Saturday last. A woman we know (I wouldn't call us friends) walked up to say hello and my DH's face completely lit up! He reached out for her and said "where have you been to, love? I have been waiting for you". The happiness on his face was so clear. He completely turned his attention to her and from the things he was saying it was clear that in his mind she is much more than an acquaintance. The woman (who is married and much younger than we are) seemed uncomfortable but spoke to him kindly. His long time best mate was there and he looked like he wished the earth would swallow him up. After a while she said her goodbyes and walked away. My DH seemed confused and I could tell he was looking for her frantically but not making a ruckus. When we went to leave we walked by her again and he took her by the arm, then cradled her face and told her he loved her. She had tears in her eyes and said she loved him too. She and I locked eyes and it was almost comforting.

I tried to speak to him about it on the car ride back but he was tired and withdrawn. I'm not sure he would have responded anyway. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, before his illness. His work kept him away from home quite a lot. I'm wondering if he knows her better than I certainly realized. I am stunned.

Nothing to be gained from investigating
nothing to be gained from putting one of his mates on the spot
nothing to be gained from speculating

He has no short terms memory; he is in a care home. It is awful and no need to start investigating anything on the side - that he won’t even be able to answer anyway

I am sorry @TwisterSister208 💐dementia is an absolute bastard. It robs you of the person and the person of you. This person you met may have triggered a bit of a memory but not necessarily anything real.

My DM has late stage Vascular Dementia. She no longer has any real memories. She will happily chat away but it is a jumbled up mix of mostly ancient history (long dead relatives) and total fiction. She no longer remembers who she is let alone anyone else.

I agree but I guess this one really hit Op

From my experience with my mother this is very likely. She thought my Dad was her Dad. She had no idea who anybody was really but was quite fond of some of the carers in the Care Home. She liked my adult daughter although she couldn't comprehend that she was my daughter, as far as she was concerned I had a little girl.

I would speak to her from the POV that you could see that she was upset and are grateful to her for not upsetting your husband by refusing to hug him.

Ah OP, he almost certainly though it was younger you (or possibly another former girlfriend from his youth?)

Alzheimer’s is horrible. My grandmother would say “Do I have a son?” when my dad went. “I do love you.” over and over.

This exact thing happened in The Archers years ago when Jack Woolley was living in a residential home with his wife Peggy visiting daily. She would find him sitting hand in hand with another resident, smiling at her fondly and barely acknowledging his real wife. Jack adored Peggy for decades, but his mind had slipped.
What happened to your DH doesn't mean he loves this acquaintance, or even that he knows her well. It's just yet another manifestation of this hideous disease. He may even believe that it's the younger you that he saw.

Something about the setting, or an expression will have triggered a feeling from deep in his memory and his muddled brain will have attached it to her. At least he is gentle and loving. Many dementia sufferers become morose.

My husband died of early onset Alzheimer’s and some days had no clue who I was - let alone recognise anyone else we met in the street. Some days he was very affectionate towards his carers and would ask them who I was. Your husband is probably at his stage of the disease living in his own head. He can’t help or choose his reactions to people - I know it can be awkward for others but if you quietly explain they’ll understand.

I sympathise with what you’re both going through - it’s a horrible disease - remember to look after yourself - it’s an ordeal.

My gran suffered with Alzheimer's and she would light up with any man that passed her. She would also try and grab their arm to talk to them. It was hard to see as she had always been quite prudish. I really wouldn't read much into it, it's quite common with this horrible illness. I hope you're getting some counselling or support?

This is OP overthinking it though and being insecure where it's not warranted.

The chances of this much younger woman being a former affair partner, and OP's husband actually recognising her in his current state, are vanishingly slim.

She was probably just going along with it to be nice. If she felt emotional, it may be because she has experience of Alzheimer's in her own family.

Questioning people about this would be a total overreaction.

And put those people in a potentially difficult position

I met my husband's granny once when she was deep into dementia. I had never met her before but she said she loved me and has missed me so much and was so happy to see me again!

I agree. And, if his Alzheimer's is sufficiently advanced for him to need care home care then I really don't think his memory can be relied on in any way.

This lady was just being nice to a man she could see would be distressed if she'd said she had no idea who he was.

My mum used to think I was HER mum. She could remember her mum at my age and she thought she was in her 20s - at 90! She often complained about what a hard day she had had at work.

Let it go – it doesn’t mean a thing.

OP my mother went through seven years of caring for a man with Alzheimer's at home and another two before he died in an institution. It is horrible, you have my sympathies, but I wouldn't make too much of this.

Afaik it is typical of Alzheimer's that the earliest memories disappear last. I do think it's very likely that he confused this woman with someone he knew decades ago, possibly even took her for a younger version of you.

Could it be that you're grieving because of the way your marriage was, because you suspect him of past infidelity? Again, you have my sympathy (my mother's partner was rather a b*stard, tbh, and Alzheimer's didn't improve him), but I don't think you'll gain much from trying to clarify this situation.

Try to make time for yourself and to look after yourself in the middle of all this. Try to find companionship somewhere. All the best.

OP please don’t attach too much importance to this. My mum had vascular dementia and my DH had two friends who she was convinced were my dad. She used to behave around them much as you’ve said your DH behaved around this woman. You have enough to deal with, without ripping yourself apart with something that in all likelihood means nothing.

My dad has been convinced my sister is the long lost love of his life, the nurse is his friend from childhood who died aged 14, and the neighbours were trying to kill him with a hosepipe.
As hard as it is, try not to take anything from it, it was likely totally random.
All forms of dementia are utterly cruel.

When I visited my Grandmother who had quite advanced Alzheimer's in a care home she didn't recognise me at all. She was expecting to see her Ma and Pa who had passed away decades earlier.

Another lady who I didn't know claimed I was her daughter, and told the other residents that this was the case. I was too young at the time to be her daugher but she loved my long hair and chatted to me about it. There's no way I would have told her to get off my hair and that I wasn't her daughter as I might as well make someone's day better in the care home.

Because the lady is younger suggests to me that she looks (to him) like someone from the past. If this encounter has given him some happiness in a confused world just be greatful for that and try not to overthink it.

Op, gently how old are you noth? He doesn’t love her, it’s his illness. He doesn’t even know who she is. She was being kind. Try to understand this is his illness, he hasn’t had an affair,

Do you really need to know.

How utterly cruel of you. Did thay make you happy?

Agree with this.

His response may be a benign reaction to seeing her as his muddled mind confuses her with someone else, nobody at all or even a younger 'you'. Who knows.

But her reaction and his friends reaction were quite telling. Chat with friend and follow the advice I've quoted. "No hard feelings but it would be enormously helpful to know as his mind deteriorates and we try to navigate fact from fiction for him'.

Living with people who had this in the past it got to the stage they barely knew who we were and we saw them daily so the chances of your husband remembering this lady are very slim.

Am so sorry OP, rotten thing to happen to your husband and the whole family.

Op, my husbands grandmother didn’t recognise her whole family, and they didn’t know it , or accept it, they felt as she was nice to them she knew, then one day we all visited and she said daisy who are these people. She went on to explain I was her granddaughter and the only person in the room she knew.

i was the only person in th4 room who was not either her child or grandchild. It was very hurtful to all concerned, deep down they knew it 3as the illness, but they all felt hurt she didn’t know who they are. And dumbfounded she thought I was her granddaughter, I barely knew her,

it’s just the illness,