I can tell he loves her

[TwisterSister208]

My DH was diagnosed with Alzheimers 6 years ago. I was taking care of him at home but he is now in a care setting. Right now he is physically in good shape but has almost no short term recollection. Things from the past pop up regularly in conversation.

We went to a festival in our town this Saturday last. A woman we know (I wouldn't call us friends) walked up to say hello and my DH's face completely lit up! He reached out for her and said "where have you been to, love? I have been waiting for you". The happiness on his face was so clear. He completely turned his attention to her and from the things he was saying it was clear that in his mind she is much more than an acquaintance. The woman (who is married and much younger than we are) seemed uncomfortable but spoke to him kindly. His long time best mate was there and he looked like he wished the earth would swallow him up. After a while she said her goodbyes and walked away. My DH seemed confused and I could tell he was looking for her frantically but not making a ruckus. When we went to leave we walked by her again and he took her by the arm, then cradled her face and told her he loved her. She had tears in her eyes and said she loved him too. She and I locked eyes and it was almost comforting.

I tried to speak to him about it on the car ride back but he was tired and withdrawn. I'm not sure he would have responded anyway. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, before his illness. His work kept him away from home quite a lot. I'm wondering if he knows her better than I certainly realized. I am stunned.

He is 6 years in to Alzheimer’s

He doesn’t love her OP. Much of life is muggy and foggy for him

He will have forgotten her by the time he was back in his care home

I wouldn’t read too much into it and I doubt he’ll even remember meeting her.

I'm sorry, this must be very upsetting. You should probably talk this through with someone who knows a lot more about Alzheimers that most people on this thread. But from my own experience with my grandmother, she could talk absolute nonsense and I could certainly imagine her saying this to someone who has never meant anythng to her at all.

Perhaps she triggered a memory of someone else, perhaps even his own mother? I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Alzheimers is so cruel. I hope you have support you need 💐

Agree with the above but imagine you could do with putting your mind at ease. Could you talk to his friend about it?

I wouldn't read too much into it at all. It's far more likely that she knows about his condition and is being kind and that he thinks she's someone else.

Alzheimers is a terrible disease. I'm sorry you're going through this.

It could be something or nothing.

I think that it would be reasonable to ask either her, or his best mate about it. I suspect you’ll get an honest answer if you approach it from a “There are no hard feelings and I won’t share with anyone else, but for my husband’s care I need to understand what happened here” point of view.

My mum used to think I was her sister and would talk to me accordingly. She'd keep asking 'do you remember when we ....' and would get upset when I, quite obviously, couldn't remember and couldn't join in with her reminiscence.

Alzheimer's does that. The person they think they are looking at and talking to isn't who that person is.

The person they think they are looking at and talking to isn't who that person is.

It's true. I've been someone else for a relative for years. This woman could look like a friend, relative, old love, you when younger, anyone.

I know you are torturing yourself, but please don't.

Having experience of Alzheimer's in my family, I would say that he probably doesn't even know her but something has triggered in his brain. It could be that she reminds him of someone or it could be completely random.

She may have felt quite uncomfortable but went along with the 'I love yous' to avoid upsetting him.

I really don't think it warrants any further digging around, it's just a symptom of this horrible disease.

The most likely explanation given his Alzheimers is that he is mistaken and she triggered a reaction from him entirely innocently. I have seen this happen where a lady in a care home was convinced another resident was her long-lost love forgetting entirely that she had been married for decades with adult children. It was hard to deal with as she never let it drop . I am sorry you have this hard road in your life.

It doesn't affect his care in the slightest though. It's really not worth following up on.

My initial reaction is the same as other posters. Alzheimers can and does have this effect. In fact a very similar situation happened to me recently. A local man that I know but not very well, approached me with his wife and called me Christine (I am not Christine and don't even know a Christine). He hugged me and became tearful, whilst saying all sorts of affectionate things. I felt compelled to play along as I couldn't bear to upset the poor man. His wife told me later that Christine was his first girlfriend over 60 years ago. Could you ask his mate if you really have doubts about this?

Doubts about what?

He won't be thinking too much at all, so don't worry-everything will be a fug.

It's very possible he thought she was you when he first knew you.

My mum had a neighbour who had Altzheimers he became convinced that my mum was his wife. He regularly called on my mum and tried to persuade her to go home with him. His wife used to have to come and collect him. My mum was very upset by the experience. She was very relieved when she was able to move house.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

Speak to his best mate. But I think what others have said is right - it’s the Alzheimers. I used to wash up in a care home when I was at school and one of the residents used to think I was her daughter and would help me with the washing up. The staff asked me to play along with it, and she did seem to find it comforting.

Why speak to his best mate?

OP, you husband has Alzheimer’s and no short terms memory and is in care home. This won’t have meant anything and there is absolutely nothing to be gained from investigating

I completely understand why you were upset but when your husband looked at your acquaintance, he wasn't even seeing what you were seeing. People with Alzheimer's think people are completely different people. They get dreams mixed up with reality. They hallucinate sometimes. They think they recognise people they've never met, and then don't recognise their own children.

My grandmother walked up to her own son and said 'Hello love! Haven't seen you for years. Is your mum still alive?' She also once thought I was one of her sisters, and on one occasion she insisted a young male receptionist in a hospital was her husband. It doesn't mean anything, honestly.

I don't mean this unkindly, but I'm surprised that someone who has been living with this situation for 6 years doesn't realise that these types of interactions mean absolutely nothing.

Oh, OP. He thinks she’s someone else, someone he knew as a young man - quite possibly you.

I look after patients with dementia in my role at work, and this is so so common; people revert to an earlier time in their life, and - for example - often mistake their adult child for their spouse, because of the physical resemblance to the person they married.

It’s very sad, and it’s very hard for you, but it is not in any sense a sign that he’s been unfaithful to you

I think I would just ask his friend who she was to him,(assuming he’s known dh longer than you) if say no hard feelings, You were just curious as it looked like she meant a lot to him

agree with others though that she may have just reminded him of someone completely different, maybe even you

The OP has entitled her post "I can tell he loves her". She then proceeds to explain in detail the affection her DH showed this woman and her own discomfort about it and finishes her post with the following paragraph

" Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, before his illness. His work kept him away from home quite a lot. I'm wondering if he knows her better than I certainly realized. I am stunned."

Now, I'm no genius it's true. But I would've thought (as have most other posters) that the OP has doubts about whether this scenario is the confused behaviour of someone with Alzheimers or whether her husband has actually had an affair with the woman. I personally reached that conclusion quite easily, firstly through the very title of her post and subsequently the question she poses in her final line. And of course all the other detail in between. So perhaps you should read it again as it seems you haven't quite grasped the gist.

Again… no

Nothing to be gained. Nothing.

Just leave it Op. He is in the grip of the most terrible of diseases (on him and you). Just forget about it