I can tell he loves her

[TwisterSister208]

My DH was diagnosed with Alzheimers 6 years ago. I was taking care of him at home but he is now in a care setting. Right now he is physically in good shape but has almost no short term recollection. Things from the past pop up regularly in conversation.

We went to a festival in our town this Saturday last. A woman we know (I wouldn't call us friends) walked up to say hello and my DH's face completely lit up! He reached out for her and said "where have you been to, love? I have been waiting for you". The happiness on his face was so clear. He completely turned his attention to her and from the things he was saying it was clear that in his mind she is much more than an acquaintance. The woman (who is married and much younger than we are) seemed uncomfortable but spoke to him kindly. His long time best mate was there and he looked like he wished the earth would swallow him up. After a while she said her goodbyes and walked away. My DH seemed confused and I could tell he was looking for her frantically but not making a ruckus. When we went to leave we walked by her again and he took her by the arm, then cradled her face and told her he loved her. She had tears in her eyes and said she loved him too. She and I locked eyes and it was almost comforting.

I tried to speak to him about it on the car ride back but he was tired and withdrawn. I'm not sure he would have responded anyway. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, before his illness. His work kept him away from home quite a lot. I'm wondering if he knows her better than I certainly realized. I am stunned.

I’m a nurse of many years experience caring for people with dementia and I would advise you to not give this another thought.
It’s all part of his condition and not at all unusual. He may even have thought that she was you. Everything is mixed up in his mind and nothing is as it was.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

Just to echo PPs: any form of dementia is like a messed-up filing system. Something in her face linked to something, or perhaps nothing - maybe a film he once saw.

It's hard not to read into it, but please try not to.

I really do feel for you OP. My Dad has all sorts of delusions and he lives in his teens/early twenties often. I'm sure she just evoked a memory for him. I'm so sorry.

My Grandma had a genetic painting on the wall in her living room, it was a silhouette of a lady and a man, walking through a wooded path and she was absolutely convinced that was her and her husband who had died 30 years ago and she even talked about the dog in the picture who had a name and she never had a dog in her life.
It’s a cruel disease but I wouldn’t think there was any more to it.

I understand totally how you feel, and how doubts can creep in. If you think his friend was uncomfortable because he knows something, you could ask him. It depends on whether you could handle being told that your husband had been involved with the woman in the past. I had a neighbour with Alzheimer’s, and I visited him in hospital when he was there for respite and his wife was away on holiday. The ward was a long room with 24 beds. He was up the other end of the room when I was let in. This 83 year old man saw me and RAN to me, flung his arms around me and said “I never thought I’d see you again “. I told him that I had promised Jane that I would visit him, and he said “Jane? I should know who you mean, but I don’t “. He and Jane had been married 25 years. Later, I saw a photo of his first wife, who had died 30 years earlier, and realised that her hair was a lot like mine.

My mother has Alzheimer's. She wasn't very affectionate and she probably had autism. I went into her care home and they were playing music. My mother was holding one of the carers hand and they were swinging to the music. Mum was looking at the carer with absolute love, you couldn't miss it. The carer was particularly caring but the look on my mother's face was the dementia.
Try not to read anything more into your DH reaction.

If children live more than 3 miles from.their local catchment secondary school.then they do get free transport so I'm not sure why yours don't OP. Are you definitely outside the 3 miles and is it definitely your catchment school?

What infuriates me is that, once the children are in 6th form you have to pay. Even though education or training until 18 is compulsory. There should definitely be free travel to 6th form/college for 16. - 18 year olds

Wrong thread?

This happened to me - I was in the woman’s position. My mum had Alzheimer’s and I was visiting her in her care home when an old fella I had said hello to in passing in the lounge (he was relatively new to the home so I didn’t know him well, but he had the room next to my mum so I saw him most visits) behaved just as you describe - the lighting up, the declaration of love, all of that. I barely knew the man so not sure whether it was daydream or he thought I was someone else.

It must have been hard to see your husband do that with someone else, but it may well have been totally random. It sounds as if the woman was really kind, which is all she could have done to help in the moment.

I agree with most of the replies that your dear husband is likely to have his mind triggered as happened with my lovely dad towards the end of his life thought I was the love of his life (my mum) and my mum was a stranger, pretty upsetting for my mum who he would push away. These conditions are so heart breaking. I have it now with my sister in law who is in a home and insists one of the residents is someone she knew years ago. It won’t help your husband and I too think this woman was being kind too.

Her face triggered a memory, it doesn’t mean that she is the person he is really looking for/loves. Her response was really kind and I’m sure she found it very sad as well if she knew you both before your DH diagnosis.
I worked with elderly people up until recently, one particular gentleman was convinced I was his daughter, who had passed away as a young adult.
I don’t think I resembled her necessarily (I’m early 40’s) but there was obviously something about me that triggered the memory of her.

She looked familiar and he confused a memory or a thought. That’s all.
Do you know her well enough to call and thank her for her kindness in playing along with his imagining?
His friend probably looked uncomfortable because it is uncomfortable.

He could even think she's you when you were younger. This distorts memories and makes up false ones. It doesn't mean anything.

Thank you for the responses. I know that this is something to let go of and I will. Learning to deal with this disease is really hard some days. I just can’t get the look of his face out of my mind. It reminded me of when we were young and desperately in love. The woman in question was very kind and we were all sad. I think I just miss who he used to be. Thanks, again.

@TwisterSister208I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He isn’t in love with her. My great uncle had Alzheimer’s. He thought his wife was an assistant from the office (this was many years before he passed). When she got into bed at night he said “you seem really nice but I’m married so I don’t think this is appropriate”. Other times he kept thinking she was an employee from his old office. I suppose what I’m trying to say is: they don’t reliably recognise those closest to them, it’s very unlikely he’s remembered her suddenly. It may even be that something about this woman may have reminded him about you, somewhere in a memory ❤️‍🩹. If she knows he has Alzheimer’s that may also explain why his reaction made her emotional too

I have been on the receiving end of this, my old neighbour believed I was someone else from his past.

He has stories and stories he could tell me about his younger years.

I always just went along with him, he was always with his wife and perked up every time we bumped into each other, yes it could be a little awkward but it brought his so much comfort.

I miss the old fella

It’s entirely possible he thought she was you, OP. You genuinely have nothing to gain by dwelling on this or assuming the worst from it. It is not a reliable guide to what might have happened, at all.

I worked with Alzheimer’s and dementia for years. That lady could resemble you when you were younger perhaps? Or maybe an actress or pop star? She could have even looked like a lost love from before you both met??

I used to work with a lovely lady who was about 4 years in with dementia. A retired nurse in her late 90s. She began to call me the name of a lady (who I think I may have looked like) that she had worked with 40 years prior. I was 33 at the time.

💐💐

OP, I can imagine the hurt you feel to think that your DH loved another woman but as others have said, by the time you returned him to the care home he will have forgotten ever seeing her. The likelihood is that if he saw her the next day he probably wouldn’t recognise her.

My friend’s fil had Alzheimer’s. He hadn’t particularly liked my friend previous to that. When he saw my friend he would tell her how much he disliked his son’s wife! In time he forgot his son’s name and then him but he remembered my friend, not as his daughter in law but as someone he did recognise. I hope you don’t have to go through that heartache.

hi, We are 4 years in with this illness now - and I totally get how this will mess with your head. But I don’t think you should dwell on it.

sending you much needed strength and a big old hug. From one alz wife to another ♥️

That's not really how cognitive decline works. He doesn't really mean much of the things he says anymore due to advanced brain disease.

I'm sorry but your first post was deeply unhelpful. You were suggesting to the OP that there's actually something to investigate here, and that it's appropriate to do so, which is just utterly wrong.

I also disagree that it's useful for carers to know what's real and what's fantasy. It's more useful to accept that the person's thoughts will be blurry and confused, and to just go along with them. Of course when they ask for someone who has died, or who you've never heard of, you tell them they're busy right now but will visit later.

If you've cared for someone with this illness you know that most of what they say makes no sense and has little bearing in reality.

No. He thinks she is someone else. Quite possibly his mother.

My MIL spoke constantly about Peter and Mary when she had Alzheimer's. Not a single one of us, including her DH who had been at school with her since they were 5 and dated from being 16 had ANY idea who 'Peter and Mary' were.

She had never known anyone of those names as far as we were aware.

Yeah I wouldn't jump to conclusions. My mother in law thinks I'm her daughter (she doesn't have any) and asked her son what he was doing in her house. 😱