I can tell he loves her

[TwisterSister208]

My DH was diagnosed with Alzheimers 6 years ago. I was taking care of him at home but he is now in a care setting. Right now he is physically in good shape but has almost no short term recollection. Things from the past pop up regularly in conversation.

We went to a festival in our town this Saturday last. A woman we know (I wouldn't call us friends) walked up to say hello and my DH's face completely lit up! He reached out for her and said "where have you been to, love? I have been waiting for you". The happiness on his face was so clear. He completely turned his attention to her and from the things he was saying it was clear that in his mind she is much more than an acquaintance. The woman (who is married and much younger than we are) seemed uncomfortable but spoke to him kindly. His long time best mate was there and he looked like he wished the earth would swallow him up. After a while she said her goodbyes and walked away. My DH seemed confused and I could tell he was looking for her frantically but not making a ruckus. When we went to leave we walked by her again and he took her by the arm, then cradled her face and told her he loved her. She had tears in her eyes and said she loved him too. She and I locked eyes and it was almost comforting.

I tried to speak to him about it on the car ride back but he was tired and withdrawn. I'm not sure he would have responded anyway. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, before his illness. His work kept him away from home quite a lot. I'm wondering if he knows her better than I certainly realized. I am stunned.

Absolutely this, thank you. Anyone with experience of dementia affecting a loved one will identify with this compassionate and thoughtful comment. I lost mum in March to vascular dementia. I say lost her in March - that was when her physical body succumbed to it, but I watched everything that she was disappear over a number of years until all that was left was a frightened child crying for her mum. Which she thought I was. It changed me, as I’m sure it changes others.

When I was a school girl I used to visit an aged care facility regularly. One lady used to think I was her grandson and kept telling me to get rid of my motorbike. Have no idea why.

@TwisterSister208 I just wanted to say that I see you, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What happened at the festival must have been incredibly painful and confusing, and it makes complete sense that you’re left with questions that don’t have easy answers. Moments like that shake you to your core because they touch the part of you that still remembers who he was, and how your relationship used to feel.

Something that might help, even if only a little, is knowing that what you described is actually very common in dementia. People often “time‑travel” emotionally and attach old memories or feelings to whoever happens to be in front of them. It doesn’t mean he knew her well, or that there was anything between them. It means his brain reached for something familiar and comforting, and she happened to fit the outline of that memory. It’s not a choice he made - it’s the disease pulling him into a different emotional decade.

I also want to acknowledge how the woman at the festival responded. From what you’ve written, she seemed to understand instinctively that he wasn’t flirting or crossing a boundary - he was lost in a memory. Her kindness, her discomfort, and even her tears were all signs that she recognised the moment for what it was. She stepped into it gently, not because she had a special connection with him, but because she had compassion for both of you. That kind of human empathy can be strangely comforting in situations like this.

Dementia doesn’t just take memories; it takes the shared history that relationships are built on. The person you love can suddenly respond to someone else with warmth or recognition that feels misplaced, and it hits you right in the centre of your chest. You’re left watching a version of him that no longer sees you in the way he once did, and that is an enormous grief to carry.

I’ve lived through something similar with a parent, and the grief is enormous. You love the person they were, but the person standing in front of you no longer holds you in the same emotional place. It’s heartbreaking, and it’s lonely, and it’s something most people don’t understand unless they’ve been there.

You’re not imagining things, and you’re not overreacting. You’re dealing with the emotional fallout of a disease that rewrites reality. Please be kind to yourself. What you’re feeling is normal, human, and completely valid.

It's a strange title OP. After experiencing someone with Alzheimers for 6 years, I'm sure you'd realise there is no apparent rhyme or reason to many, many things people with it say. It may make sense in the moment to them, but we don't know and can't know most of the time.

I think there might be unresolved issues from your marriage that it is sadly no longer possible to address with your DH so maybe you need to look at that and find a way of coming to terms.

This is so very close to home and I almost cried when I read the OP. Every case of Alzheimer’s and Dementia will be different, memory recall, reaction to familiar situations, recollection of memories, good days and bad days, alertness and complete memory lock-out.
Having lost a family member and another suffering this dreadful condition I have witnessed all manner of situations.
I don’t know what to say to the OP other than to send a virtual hug and to hope that research soon finds a cure for this vile, cruel disease 💐😢

I agree with all the other PP. Your DH is remembering all kinds of things. Longterm memories are more vivid than shortterm ones in this disease. People, items, smells, all kinds of things have the ability to trigger the memories. The woman was being kind to him and to you to go along with his "memory" of her. You may never know who he thought she was or what that person mean to him. But please don't let this incident ruin your memory of him.

From what you typed, she locked eyes with you deliberately to communicate with you that she was playing along. She may have had experience with other dementia patients, and knew the drill.

Dementia is horrible, please don't read more into the interaction than there is. It's just the disease talking.

That was so kind of her to go along with that, she obiv recognises when someone has this horrible illness.

My Grandma, who adored all her granddaughters, thought I was her sister for about a year. Unfortunately she absolutely fucking LOATHED her sister and the first time it happened she was so horrible to me that I left and sat in the car in tears while my mum and sister stayed with her. It happened the next time I went a few months later so I didnt vist again until after she had a major stroke.

After the stroke either that feeling faded or she made peace with her sister, but when she was in a mood she would only be fed by me and no one else.

Whilst it’s all very much par for the course for someone with Alzheimer’s to behave this way, the strangest thing is her looking at him all tearful and saying she loves him too. What’s that about? If a bloke with Alzheimer’s told me he loved me I’d be kind about it but I wouldn’t say it back.

She probably has never seen him before in her life and her response was to humour him. My thoughts are with you as you cope with this cruel illness

This, OP.
Towards the end (approx 4y post diagnosis), my grandad thought I was his sister. Going through photo albums from back then, I looked nothing like her, but he was convinced. He called me by her name day in, day out, would identify me as her in photos. I was one of the few people he reliably/repeatedly identified "correctly" as the same person no matter the time interval - apart from his daughter (my mother).
Everyone else was a blur - he was very good at feigning remembrance/polite acquiescence. He didn't remember my grandma at all (which upset her greatly, but he remembered her at 22, not the 80-odd year old lady she was at the time).
We all went along with it, because telling him his sister had been dead for years was like him hearing it for the first time. Another (caring but clueless) relative corrected him once, and he was devastated for an entire afternoon, first because he had just learned she was dead - the shock was real and new to him. He couldn't understand why he hadn't been to her funeral (he had, years before). Later (after a nap) he still felt deeply grieved but couldn't remember why. Many of his family were always "just down at the allotment" or "just nipped out to the butchers/for some cigarettes" for the same reason.
It isn't about her, or even you.
He could think she is you, for all either of you know. I am so sorry. Big hugs to you both from an internet stranger.

She may have been emotional because she has experience of family members with Alzheimer's.

I really don't think the fact that she said it back means anything, she was simply playing along. It's a throwaway line.

If she genuinely had an affair with the man she'd hardly be gushing over him in front of his wife, would she?

Plus, if his Alzheimer's is as advanced as OP says, there's no way he actually knew who she was.

My FIL nearly started a fight in a care home because when he went to visit my MIL with Alzheimers she was sitting holding hands with another male resident.

One lady was adamant her husband was cheating on her because he was pregnant.

Another resident had numerous other (imaginary) people living in her room.

It's a horrible disease and an unsettling experience for you but it will just have been his brain misfiring.

Exactly. As someone who's parents both died this way the post was so off the mark I am speechless.

I feel like this isn't a real thread. The title. The story. The strange language. It doesn't feel real. So many people trying to trick MNers to spend time on silly stuff.

Queen Victoria's first official piper became convinced that he was married to her and that Prince Albert was an imposter. Such are the kinds of delusions that can strike people. He was sent to a psychiatric hospital. Please don't worry about this woman and your husband; as many PPs have said, it's far more likely that he just fixated on her in the moment for some strange reason and has since forgotten all about her. What a cruel disease he is living with and how very sad for you.

Very upsetting but 6 years into alzheimers his confusion will be great.
They say its more upsetting for family members and loved ones.
She may of reminded him of someone do you have children .. even confused her for you many years ago it doesn't mean he knew her personally...let it go xx

You said that she's younger, but does she look like you? If he's living in the past he might think you're both that age.

My grandmother used to think my brother was her son because my dad was too old to be him.

I also have a friend whose mother would visit her brother in a care home. When he looked at her, he assumed she was his mother as she was now in her 70's. But when she'd be behind his chair speaking to him, he knew she was his sister. He'd say things like "mam was just here" and when she'd come around to stand in front of him he'd say " oh you just missed my sister".

My previously standoffish elderly neighbour is about 3 years in (she is cared for by her husband). She has gone from a polite nod when she sees me to hugs, kisses and wanting to stoke my hair like I’m her long lost child.
My late mum had vascular dementia and used to mistake the staff at the care home for her sisters.
Maybe this woman reminds your husband of someone and she’s being kind?

I nursed my mum through 7 years of vascular dementia thanks. Alone. Even after she didn't know who I was.

I don't mean that you can help THEM navigate fact from fiction, but it can be helpful for carers to know what is real and what is fantasy.

In the end, I learned that kindness trumps truth every time, but it was often good to know whether mum was referring to something real or fantastical. It meant I could navigate repetition, confusion, wild claims and sudden unexpected displays of emotion more effectively. A perfect example of this is that my mum kept forgetting my dad had died. I would say he had 'gone swimming' or for a 'bike ride' - familiar things he would do - just to make her feel calm and secure, but she would also ask for someone called Franco who I'd never heard of. I eventually discovered that this was a boyfriend she'd had when she was twenty and living in Italy so I was able to say things like "he's back in Rome but says Hello'.

On the off-chance OPs partner did have a deeper friendship than she realised with this woman, dismissing his feelings will just add to his already frightening confusion. Far better to know the facts and navigate conversation accordingly.

But that's just my experience.

Honestly it’s probably she reminded him of someone and she was just being kind - I mean you are hardly going to be horrible to someone who obviously has dementia. Being hyper sexual/romantic is very much a symptom of dementia.

My MIL about 6 years in to dementia decided to tell the entire family over a Sunday lunch about how she was madly in love with her step brother (who died in 1971!) and went into great detail in front of her husband of 52 years.

Bless her she didn’t know who any of us were and her brain was just blurting out a memory it had found. It didn’t mean anything, and she didn’t remember 5 minutes later.

I’m sure your husband didn’t mean it and he might have even thought it was you as she was younger. Try not to torture yourself, it’s a horrible disease that kills a lot of relationships long before the person dies.

My grandmother thought my son was her son when she was suffering from alzheimers. I wouldn't read anything into it at all.

This must be so hard OP, I’m so sorry. My mum used to care for people with Alzheimer’s and I understand it is very common. I once met her from work (I was about 25) and was waiting in the resident’s lounge and an elderly man was convinced I was his mum. He was hugging me and saying how much he had missed me, and loved me and was happy I had come back for him. It was so hard to leave as he was crying and begging me to come back.

Just an example of how people with this awful disease can act.