I can tell he loves her

[TwisterSister208]

My DH was diagnosed with Alzheimers 6 years ago. I was taking care of him at home but he is now in a care setting. Right now he is physically in good shape but has almost no short term recollection. Things from the past pop up regularly in conversation.

We went to a festival in our town this Saturday last. A woman we know (I wouldn't call us friends) walked up to say hello and my DH's face completely lit up! He reached out for her and said "where have you been to, love? I have been waiting for you". The happiness on his face was so clear. He completely turned his attention to her and from the things he was saying it was clear that in his mind she is much more than an acquaintance. The woman (who is married and much younger than we are) seemed uncomfortable but spoke to him kindly. His long time best mate was there and he looked like he wished the earth would swallow him up. After a while she said her goodbyes and walked away. My DH seemed confused and I could tell he was looking for her frantically but not making a ruckus. When we went to leave we walked by her again and he took her by the arm, then cradled her face and told her he loved her. She had tears in her eyes and said she loved him too. She and I locked eyes and it was almost comforting.

I tried to speak to him about it on the car ride back but he was tired and withdrawn. I'm not sure he would have responded anyway. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, before his illness. His work kept him away from home quite a lot. I'm wondering if he knows her better than I certainly realized. I am stunned.

My friend's Dad 'lights up' when he sees me. I know him because he was a coach at my running club, where he was a well loved coach to athletes of all ages. We were never particularly close though, I was one of many athletes he saw in a group setting each week.

I think now, he knows he knows/knew me from a happy time, but he doesn't actually know who I am.

People with Alzheimer’s can think dolls are babies so honestly I don’t think there’s anything to read into this and i definitely wouldn’t be speaking to the friend or wife about it - not in the way some posters are suggesting anyway.

Hope you are okay though, it must be heartbreaking.

People think of , and sometimes imagine, grandparents, sons, daughters etc as well as their teenage girlfriends. Just a symptom of this evil disease, so it doesn't mean he has ever done anything wrong, or that he loves you less.

She was very kind to him. She gave him.a brief moment of joy. I would be thankful for her kindness, but would not read anything into it at all. Alzheimsers is cruel. Hand hold OP.

This isn't silly stuff, its the heart breaking reality for many that care for people with various forms of dementia.

For the person you love, to gaze at someone else with the love and adoration that used to be yours alone, is devastating.

You sound pretty heartless, but parts of me hope you never have to learn the hard way but your lack of empathy is disappointing.

My Mum was like that when she had to go into hospital. She had been a nurse before she got married in 1954 and kept getting out of bed because she thought she ought to be working.

Sorry this happened to you it must be very upsetting. As the previous posters have said, I want to reassure you that often people with Alzheimer’s mistake people for someone else. It’s common that they believe they are much younger than they actually are and sometimes don’t even recognise themselves in the mirror, sometimes they might get a daughter mixed up and think she is their mum or their wife. I’m sure your husband loves you deeply x

No I mean it's an AI post... AI generated

Lots of people use AI to express their thoughts. It doesn't necessarily mean it isn't true.

I'm sorry for everything you're going through OP. I just wanted to add my voice to those advising you to drop it. Like so many others here, I have seen relatives with dementia mixing people up with others long dead - sometimes family members who might have a resemblance, but sometimes complete strangers.

I'd also like to add that while I feel there's nothing for you to gain here, you could cause unnecessary trouble for the younger woman who is almost certainly entirely blameless and won't want to be discussed as an OW (and you don't know what the repercussions for her could be if her husband hears about it).

I really feel for you, that must have been quite heartbreaking.

My mum is 8 years into her Alzheimer's journey, she is now almost completely non verbal and doesn't say much at all. However not many years ago she would say things similar to your dh. We were in a cafe once and a lady walked in that we both knew very vaguely but mum was convinced they had been best buddies, she was so excited to see her and told me over and again what a great friend this lady had been.

Sadly, I think it is just the dementia talking. I really feel for you though, it is beyond a wicked disease, absolutely heart wrenching.

AFWIW, the lady may have had tears in her eyes because she too has lost a loved one to dementia and it triggered memories for her?

This sounds so hard @TwisterSister208 but like many pps I would say it’s highly likely it’s all muddled up for him. It’s possible she reminds him of you at a different time; or someone else entirely.

You could ask his best friend or even her if there is anything more to it; but I suspect it’s not the case. Alzheimer’s is truly horrible for those closest. My grandmother was on another planet at times; she thought my baby was her son (who had been very poorly and died as a child) a few times when we were visiting and it was distressing for all to see.
I had a terribly sad realisation after one of these visits that really my grandma was already gone. I cried in the car on the way home; I remember the grief hitting me.

Big hug to you. Be kind to yourself xxxxx

OP, my OH has Alzheimer's which tends to lead him in the opposite direction, simply walking away from people we've known for years if they stop to chat. They mostly understand, Dogs, on the other hand, get his full attention - though he was always very much a cat person. He expresses great enthusiasm for going somewhere/doing something, but as soon as we're there he wants to go home. It is a very difficult disease to live with, as a partner, but we have no idea how difficult it must be for them.

This is the rational me writing. In real life, I am a frankly pathetic mess of private self-pity.

OP, it's not 'him'. It's this awful disease.
My friend's father in law was in a care home with Alzheimers.
She took her teenage daughter to see him on his birthday. He had no idea who she was and started making sexual comments about his granddaughter.
That wasn't this girl's grandad. He'd never been like that in his life.

He thought she was you and you were both back in those days together.

My FiL recognised his 49 year old daughter but asked her why she wasn't in school. She's not and never has been a teacher.

I think perhaps you read something into the woman looking embarrassed and the friend looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him up, when in fact these are normal reactions to someone with Alzheimer’s behaving in an inappropriate manner.
They would have felt embarrassment yet compassion towards him and you, I think the lady’s behaviour in the second meeting may just have been due to compassion regarding both of you.
Of course, I could be wrong but put yourself in their shoes, you would be kind towards a confused old man and his wife, you wouldn’t be rude back.

It’s possible your husband had an affair. It’s also possible a woman reminded him of someone he knew before he even met you. Perhaps when faced with how to handle a delusional man, she responded with kindness and let him live in that moment. That look she shared with you may have just been sympathy. Maybe she had a loved one deal with the same disease.

try to look on today as an encounter with another human being who treated someone you love with kindness. Whether they have a past doesn’t matter, you know they have no future.

Nonsense. It's totally believable. Alzheimers and other forms of dementia play havoc with the brain and memories. My dear MiL had severe vascular dementia and my DH and I cared for her for her last year of life. There were times when we would find her with a packed suitcase, saying she'd enjoyed her visit, but Mummy and Daddy would be expecting her home soon, so she needed to leave now. She was 96 and her parents had been dead for more than half a century.

Maybe he was in a memory of you and him from another time. When I went to visit my nan in her care home with my dad with my newborn son she kept saying what a lovely baby and was thinking it was mine and my dad's, I corrected her a couple of times but in the end just went along with it. It didn't really matter although it was sad she didn't realise who we both, especially for my dad but she was so happy to hold a little baby in her arms and that was more important. It's a very cruel disease op yanbu to feel upset at all but at least in that small moment he had a bit of happiness. Sending you hugs x

Oh come on.....this is not the conspiracy theory thread.

This is common. I see it a lot at work. He enjoyed the moment but doesn’t love her.

There is no way of knowing for sure but having worked with people with various types of dementia for almost a decade I have been someone's daughter, niece, wife and (on a one funny occasion a male family member) more times than I can count. It is likely he was confused and thought she was someone she wasn't.

My great nan thought I was my Aunty, which was ok in itself, but then told me off for marrying my uncle (her own brother!)
You sound like a lovely caring wife, but I would be shocked if this really meant anything at all. You will need to have a think about if you want to keep taking him out in a busy community setting like that. There are infinate scenarios he could make up in his head and you don't sound like you are quite ready to deal with that yet.

This is such a kind, thoughtful, empathetic post.

Unfortunately with dementia it isnt just that memories get mixed, emotions do as well. It all gets chopped up like tikker tape. The 'memory' is just snatching bits of tikker tape out of the air and making a story about what's printed on them.

The disturbing thing I find is that my DM still sounds like herself, it's still her voice. But what she tells me makes even less sense than a cheese dream with a heavy dose of suggestibility. I can say a name or a place and within moments she will start a story involving that name or place.