I can tell he loves her

[TwisterSister208]

My DH was diagnosed with Alzheimers 6 years ago. I was taking care of him at home but he is now in a care setting. Right now he is physically in good shape but has almost no short term recollection. Things from the past pop up regularly in conversation.

We went to a festival in our town this Saturday last. A woman we know (I wouldn't call us friends) walked up to say hello and my DH's face completely lit up! He reached out for her and said "where have you been to, love? I have been waiting for you". The happiness on his face was so clear. He completely turned his attention to her and from the things he was saying it was clear that in his mind she is much more than an acquaintance. The woman (who is married and much younger than we are) seemed uncomfortable but spoke to him kindly. His long time best mate was there and he looked like he wished the earth would swallow him up. After a while she said her goodbyes and walked away. My DH seemed confused and I could tell he was looking for her frantically but not making a ruckus. When we went to leave we walked by her again and he took her by the arm, then cradled her face and told her he loved her. She had tears in her eyes and said she loved him too. She and I locked eyes and it was almost comforting.

I tried to speak to him about it on the car ride back but he was tired and withdrawn. I'm not sure he would have responded anyway. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, before his illness. His work kept him away from home quite a lot. I'm wondering if he knows her better than I certainly realized. I am stunned.

My great uncle spoke to my sister like he was head over heels on love with her. He wasn't a pervert he just had dementia.

This is terrible advice and just shows you don't have experience of someone with Alzheimer's.

There is no "navigating fact from fiction" in this situation. It's simply not possible.

Exactly

My Dad had dementia.

Don't worry, he doesn't love her.

This disease is horrific for everyone.

I think strong emotions can be expressed at strangers when someone has dementia - I remember taking my kids to an event at a local care home where families were doing activities with the residents like colouring in and crafts. One old lady took a real shine to DS, 3 at the time, and was stroking his hair and very lovingly declaring 'He's my favourite' - he evidently he reminded her of someone but her feelings appeared very genuine although she'd never seen him before.

The woman's response was a bit concerning I guess, but maybe she was just trying to join in his world rather than saying 'I'm sorry, I think you have confused with someone else'. I know the advice is as far as possible to go along with people with dementia rather than trying to convince them of reality, so maybe she sensed what was happening and made eye contact with you by way of trying to reassure you. And maybe she was tearful because it was sad to have some stranger convinced he loves you? I think I'd find being put in that scenario very sad.

Don’t do this, it’s the Alzheimer’s op, I’m sorry, he’s very unwell and not the person he was. Of course this is not a previous affair partner.

My grandfather after getting dementia made romantic passes to his female grandchildren (having been nothing but a lovely grandfather/man before his dementia). Very upsetting to see him like this. It’s a horrible, horrible disease and I’m so sorry x

Exactly, I think some posters don’t understand Alzheimer’s and are solely thinking of this from a man cheating, which is utterly appalling.

He doesn’t love her, he probably doesn’t even actually remember her. It’s his Alzheimer’s.

My Nan was in a care home, she was certain my daughter was famous and on tv, she was so excited when she walked in the door, jumping up and down in her seat, very very excited .. “ooh you’re the one I’ve just been watching on tv, you’re great, can’t believe you’re here” etc .. but no, it was her great granddaughter that she didn’t even know anymore. The whole visit consisted of her just staring excitedly at the tv star 🙃

@Echobelly

the woman’s response wasn’t “concerning” in the slightest

Triggered a memory of something else, my Nan thought I was my Granny for ages!

FIL had Alzheimer’s. He also used to think I was DH’s mum. Coincidentally so did his Nan. She didn’t have dementia but did have a fall and a head injury and quickly went down hill after that. I think it’s was my hair colour that triggered the memory.

I work with dementia patients! One of them thinks I am his wife- I am 40 years younger than her! I just reminded him of her cos we are simalar height and have the same hair colour. It’s it possible he thought it was you?

@TwisterSister208 I am so sorry that you have been upset by this but as others have said, he is now in his world and this woman tweaked a part of his memory. He is not remembering her, but a fleeting shadow from his youth, that shadow could be a memory of you, or another old girl friend but by the time you will have returned home, he will have forgotten.

I honestly think, that as difficult as it is, the best thing to do to reduce pain and confusion is to live in their world for those moments... the lady he thought he loved is part of that world and not your reality or indeed part of what was his reality. I know that this must have been incredibly hurtful but you have to know that it is not real, albeit that your hurt was. This may happen more frequently as he ages... it is a rotten disease, totally rotten.

On what planet would it be enormously helpful to know?

I don’t think there was anything “telling” about the woman’s reaction at all.

She may have felt quite uncomfortable but went along with the 'I love yous' to avoid upsetting him.

I think this is very likely, and that she was looking at you hoping you would realise this, op.

Of course there is nothing telling, some posters are so hung up on cheating they can’t get past it, even in a scenario like this where the answer is obvious

I agree - I'm just saying someone might feel concerned that she said 'I love you too' but I do think it was innocent and she was just trying to help and was saddened by the situation.

Op, have you seen the Emmerdale episode which is viewed through the eyes of Ashley, who had Alzheimers? It shows how differently a sufferer can see the world. It's so eye-opening and was such an important episode.

My mother went through something similar, and even though she'd passed by the time the episode was aired (2016) it was almost comforting to watch, and explained a LOT.

They famously had different actors playing key characters, to show how differently Ashley was viewing the world compared to a non-sufferer. Give it a go, I bet it'll go some way to explaining and helping with things.

Ok so The woman's response was a bit concerning I guess. You don’t actually think concerning.

Good, because not at all.

Nothing is concerning about any detail of this sad exchange. Only that it is the impact of the most awful condition

It’s baffling someone thought this was good advice!

We had to remove mirrors, newspapers and photos form FIL’s home as he thought the images were real people and got into fights with them (including himself in the mirror). Sometimes he was terrified.

I genuinely would not give this interaction a second thought other than just for a moment he was experiencing a feeling of love and happiness rather than confusion and fear.

My grandma had an Alzheimer’s. We took her to a farm one day. She was talking to the staff about the farm she used to have and all the animals she used to look after. She grew up and lived in a city and no one in our family owed the farm

Why would you post something like this ? His friend was likely embarrassed at the situation and mindful of the effect on OP. Nothing more than that. It wouldn’t be helpful at all for OP to pursue this. She has enough to deal with just coming to terms with watching someone she loves disappearing in front of her and being unable to stop it. He has dementia. Navigating fact from fiction is impossible - all OP will do is go around in circles and there will be no answers. You clearly know nothing of dementia. Lucky for you.

I have had similar, perhaps not so extreme, but utterly convincing experiences with people with Alzheimer’s. I think, because they are still very capable verbally, it can be quite unnerving. Similarly to this lady, I have also gone along with what the person involved has said because they are so convinced and it is easier and kinder to do that. I would be very surprised if there is anything more to it than that although i absolutely understand how upsetting it is.

I’m sure that must have been very hard for you to witness OP. My friends dad had Alzheimer’s and he constantly tried it on with her. She told him straight every time that she was his daughter. She chose to laugh about it, but it was upsetting. It’s such a cruel disease. Whatever he thought he saw in the woman was just that. What he thought he saw.