I can tell he loves her

[TwisterSister208]

My DH was diagnosed with Alzheimers 6 years ago. I was taking care of him at home but he is now in a care setting. Right now he is physically in good shape but has almost no short term recollection. Things from the past pop up regularly in conversation.

We went to a festival in our town this Saturday last. A woman we know (I wouldn't call us friends) walked up to say hello and my DH's face completely lit up! He reached out for her and said "where have you been to, love? I have been waiting for you". The happiness on his face was so clear. He completely turned his attention to her and from the things he was saying it was clear that in his mind she is much more than an acquaintance. The woman (who is married and much younger than we are) seemed uncomfortable but spoke to him kindly. His long time best mate was there and he looked like he wished the earth would swallow him up. After a while she said her goodbyes and walked away. My DH seemed confused and I could tell he was looking for her frantically but not making a ruckus. When we went to leave we walked by her again and he took her by the arm, then cradled her face and told her he loved her. She had tears in her eyes and said she loved him too. She and I locked eyes and it was almost comforting.

I tried to speak to him about it on the car ride back but he was tired and withdrawn. I'm not sure he would have responded anyway. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, before his illness. His work kept him away from home quite a lot. I'm wondering if he knows her better than I certainly realized. I am stunned.

Oh bless you, that must have been so hard for you to see, but honestly, it wasn't real. My lovely mum had Alzheimer's and when she went into a home she seemed to be in love a couple of times with kindly other residents.

For various reasons we brought her home to be with my dad and a live in career, and she recognized him again. In her final days she strangely regained awareness that she hadnt had for years, and spoke clear to us,v thanking us for all we had done and telling us she loved us. She was in there all along, though ploughed 6 years of real confusion/ anxiety/ delerium/ misconceptions . . .

I volunteered at a care home when I was a teen. Lots of the residents treated me as if they already knew me when we'd never met before. I remember one lady holding my hands, glowing with amazement and exclaiming with absolute certainty, "Oh, it's a beautiful angel!"

I'm not an actual angel and the likelihood is that your husband doesn't actually love this other woman. Don't let this torment you.

I wouldn't read too much into this incident. Your husband may have thought this woman was someone else. You need to remember that his thoughts are muddled. I highly suspect that by the time he'd got back to his care home, he wouldn't remember any part of meeting this woman. It's entirely possible that seeing this woman triggered a memory of someone he knew in his youth, and due to his muddled brain, he thought it was her.

It reminded me of when we were young and desperately in love

Maybe that's what he was thinking of, too.

I'm afraid you'll never know, OP. It's a very cruel disease. 💐

DHs grandfather thought DH was his dad and at other times the grandfather's brother he also introduced MIL his daughter to others at the home as his wife. His fondness for this woman in the moment isn't coming from reality and thankfully she was very kind and gracious about it

I had a very beautiful, slim, blonde friend who used to visit her Nan, who had Alzheimers. Her Nan would always be certain she was talking to her best friend Mabel.

I do know how it hurts though, from personal experience. It's very important to remember that nothing is personal or makes any sense, really.

When i visit my mother-in-law her face lights up, she is ecstatic to see me, goes into rhapsodies about how pleased she is that I have come and scarcely notices anyone else in the room.

Before she had dementia she was polite and friendly and we got along well, but nothing like this level of enthusiasm. It is truly disconcerting but,yes, I play along.

People with Alzheimer's think people are completely different people

My dear departed mother in law, with whom I had a long and affectionate relationship - drew back in horror when I went to greet her on visiting her one day. "Who are you? I've never seen you before in my life!" She became quite distressed so I had to clear off out of her way. We were staying over at her house (where she had a live in carer) so I stayed out of sight for the rest of the day.

Next morning she was ok with me. She remembered my name and obviously knew she knew me but didn't seem to know I was married to her son.
I can see it must have been disconcerting for OP, but in reality it really means nothing. Having observed the deterioration of mil there were many such lack of and mistaken recognitions.

This reminds me of my aunty who used to visit a much older friend who was suffering with dementia. The older friend had been in service and used to fret about “not finishing her work, madam will be so annoyed”. My aunt used to try to tell her that the work for the day was finished, the ironing was done, the washing up finished and it was time to sit down with a cup of tea, which would quiet her for a while, but then the anxiety would start up again. My aunt said it was very hard to watch because her dear friend was so very clearly emotionally and physically distressed by the intrusive and very real thoughts she was having.

Such an evil disease.

I had a similar experience. I was at a cafe with a friend. A woman came over and said she was with her father with Alzheimer’s/dementia and he was convinced I was his wife (who died a long time ago and would have been many years older than me). She asked if I could say hello to him. I sat with him for a while and chatted with him. My own father had dementia so I was aware of how dementia affects people. After a while I said I had to go shopping and would see him later. His daughter thanked me and said it had been very comforting to her Dad.

dementia does strange things to people. Try not to overthink it OP.

She may have reminded him of someone from his past, that happens a lot when old memories stay, and newer ones fade. He probably won’t even remember the incident.

Just keep in mind that this is the disease talking, not the person you knew.

This is such a poignant post @TwisterSister208 I really feel for you. I can’t answer - maybe there was, maybe there wasn’t, maybe she reminded him of you. And you all had a connection for a moment and she joined in to keep it for him. That’s the positive. But so hard for you xxx

A few years ago a sweet looking woman stopped in her tracks as we walked past each other; her face lit up, she smiled tenderly, and gently kissed my cheek. She called me darling. Her husband looked on. I had never seen them before. She clearly thought I was someone precious to her. Don't give your husband's reaction another thought.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's a horrible and cruel condition that robs you of everything.

Try to think logically. What would make a much younger women want have a romantic relationship with a man who can't even live independently? Logically it's just so unlikely.

I was in hospital during covid on a Acute medical ward. So many women though they was at home and someone had stolen their belongings. Not realising their possessions where not to be seen as they was in fact at hospital. The lovely lady next to me said someone had stolen her bed side cabinet. No concern at all that I, a stranger and about six other strangers and their beds was also now in her room. She was very sharp in all other ways, passed the memory screening. Knew the year, the prime minister etc. So what I'm trying to say is it's not all linear or consistent. It's horrible, random and cruel. But it's not your dh, it's the condition

but this isn't the point? the question raised by the encounter for the op is whether there was a relationship before the Alzheimer's that was emotionally intense enough to be breaking through now.

It might not be the case - it's possible he confused her for someone else, the OP as a younger woman even - but it doesn't matter how long the emotion lasts for the DH. The OP saw the intense emotion for another woman and is wondering what it all means.

That sounds awful OP. I’d be very upset too.

My great aunty has dementia. She often tells me about stories on what her and her mother (who’s been dead 40+ years) have been up to during the day. Clearly all untrue but if you didn't know she had dementia, she would sound believable.

Could he have thought she was you? Sometimes they do not recognise that time has passed and he could think you are both much younger. I worked with Dementia patients and they could regress even back to childhood.

Does she look like you when you was younger OP? Could he think she is you but from a while ago.

My dad had Alzheimer’s. I remember one instance where he thought I was his mother. There is no reason he should have thought this as there’s no resemblance between us. I didn’t set him straight (there wasn’t really any point). We sat and chatted and he was so happy, calm and content. And that’s probably why I remember it.

The point I am trying to make is that he was quite clear in himself that I was his mum and he felt that connection very strongly at that moment The fact that I’m not his mum and don’t resemble his mum in the slightest didn’t come into it, such was his level of confusion.

I think it is quite possible that your husband thought this woman was someone else, quite possibly you and that’s why he reacted the way he did.

Oh Op I'm.so sorry for you both. Dementia is truly the wickedest disease. What may have happened is your Dh mistook her for you, thinking you and he are still young. In my long experience working with dementia patients, I would often find if you asked someone their age they would reply with an age that was much younger. An expert I spoke to felt that the age they gave was a time of a significant event in their lives, leaving home, getting married etc. I'm as certain as I can be that he was remembering you when you were young and he thought the young woman was you, that's why he showed such affection

Yes someone just said he could of mixed up his feelings of when you were younger with her too. I think the mind gets triggered and also mixed up as that is the nature of this disease. Take care of you.

My late DM forgot I was her daughter. But she sort of knew that she knew me. She used to say “We've been friends for a long time, haven’t we?”
”Yes Mum, we have” I’d reply .
Even more sadly she completely forgot her only grandchild, my DS. He had been the light of her life. He still visited her, she still loved visitors even if she had no idea who they were.

I’ve had this with an elderly relative she believed I was her sister who had died probably 70 years earlier when she was young she would get quite animated talking to me so I would go along with it x

Perhaps she reminded him of his mum or other family member, including you. Dementia/Alzheimers is a cruel disease and people live in the past in their minds. An elderly lady I knew believed she was a young girl and kept looking for her parents. Please don’t take it personally. Best wishes and big hugs to you.

So given that her DH has dementia and she will never have an answer, what do you suggest she do ? My mum had advanced dementia and she saw my dear departed dad in several people. I haven’t jumped to the conclusion she had an ‘affair’ with any of them - only that her condition leads her to believe she recognises them when she doesn’t. That ‘s the nature of the disease. The person he saw could so easily have reminded him of OP at a younger age that that’s the most likely explanation. Why would you post something that challenges that ?