There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

You’ve really touched a sore point there @mummy917 - you are, without commenting on it, simply managing all four children at the barbers - something he has said he finds beyond his ability to manage - no wonder he was so angry 😂😂😂😂😂.

He sounds like Trump - deflection at every turn....and just because I thought it was funny Trump is apparently going to rename Canada Geese as Donald Ducks.

I'm in total awe of how you are handling this - he's probably shocked. You rock!

Yeah our son’s hair was in desperate need of a cut, it hadn’t been cut for 7 weeks. He’s taken our eldest once for his haircut since he left and that was 7 weeks ago, when he said taking both boys was too much for him. Today was chaotic don’t get me wrong, but when stuff needs doing, you just have to get on with it.

It makes me really question myself because he still makes me feel that I am somehow in the wrong. I wish I could share my response to him but I don’t think it’d be a good idea!

"Their hair wasn't fine, both boys were long past the point of needing haircuts, and school is back this week. You obviously didn't want to sort and pay for their haircuts, even though that was the agreement. Your half is £X, please transfer the money, along with £X that you still owe me for half of their school uniforms. 50/50 really does mean 50/50 and you are currently behind on your half of the financial obligations."

@mummy917 Every time you start to emotionally respond to him, take a deep breath and remember he is projecting his own inadequacies on to you. HE is the one who is always 'having a go'. HE is the one who is useless., HE is the one who is controlling.

[Aside - I'd be willing to bet that an understanding smile and a soft, pitying 'There We Are Then' as a response would drive him INSANE without him being able to quite articulate why.]

What I replied was similar to this and I’d asked him again at the weekend about when I would see any of his half of the uniform and that 50/50 means splitting everything down the middle, not just the amount of time he claims to have them.

That sounds a bit harsh @Two2TooAlsoToToward . OP just expected a simple answer to a simple question. Yes, he's an absolute bell-end, but he very occasionally responds like a normal person. OP simply wanted to make sure her DS got the cut he's used to.

They are both responsible for the DC, of course they have to communicate, it's unrealistic to say stop interacting with him. I bet if DS had a different cut to usual the twat would have something to say about that too.

OP, you do really need to get a parenting app. I know you are saving screenshots, etc. but an official app for communicating would be better. Is there any way you could speak to your solicitor to see if something could be put in place due to his continued bullying of you and his refusal to share the costs for the DCs clothes, etc?

Yes, any reasonable person would be capable of producing a reasonable answer to a reasonable question. But TWATTOO has proved time and again that he cannot, and turns it into OP ‘controlling’ him, further fuels his narrative, and the interaction leaves OP feeling like shit. He’s running an emotional roller coaster, and I would advise OP to get off of the roller coaster. Every text sent to him is an opportunity for TWATTOO to twist the knife—take away his power. Only text him when absolutely necessary.

I don’t think sharing uniform is going to work. It’s all going to end up at his house and you’ll be left with nothing. The best thing to do is he provides uniform on his days, you provide it on yours. One set is joint, the one they go to school in on Wednesday and then they wear it back to school again on either the Friday or the Monday (depending on the week). That way you know you’ll get it back, as they will be wearing it to school.

Has he even acknowledged that it’s your daughter’s first day of school tomorrow?

Oh this.

But make sure you specify it has been 7 weeks!

He really is a TWAT!! 🙄

I bet if DS had a different cut to usual the twat would have something to say about that too

And the answer to which might be: "There we are then. If you want it cut a certain way, you can always take him yourself if you want to 🙂"
An alternate answer, of course, could just be two words, the second of which is 'off'.

@mummy917

I think you need to stop asking him anything when it comes to having to pick up his slack. Make your own decisions and if he doesn't like it say "Well, a decision had to be made and I made it. If you don't like it then next time you'll do <insert whatever it was> yourself since you've always done it in the past". TBH, if the situation were reversed, do you think he'd consult you on what you usually do? I don't. He'd do whatever he felt like doing.

As far as the boys' haircuts, any reputable barber or stylist will probably know pretty much what the prior haircut was even if it's grown out a bit. Or if not, they'll probably know 'what the other boys are having' in the area.

That is just how it is.
Never, ever ask him any questions if you can possibly help it. Never ask him for anything. Never ask him about anything.

You did not need to ask him about your son's hair. Just make your own decisions.

I think this is good advice you need to minimise any interactions to the bare minimum. I know you meant well but he won’t take it that way. Don’t give him anything to use against you.

Thank you, though - I have discovered a new game ❤

I agree with this, just don’t engage him in dialogue. It would have been better to have asked the barber. I know you haven’t time or money for counselling but I think a therapist would gently explore why you felt the need to text him…
Were you reaching out as you wanted to initiate contact? Do you lack confidence making decisions about boy things? Were you just wanting to share parenting with him? Were you wanting to point out you were doing a job that should have been his? Were you subconsciously showing him you cope with four at the barbers and he can’t?

Whilst he initiated an unnecessary dig and soured the exchange - if you’d not texted he would not have had that opportunity. Next time, I think it would be far better not to have messaged him at all. Grey rock .

Right now he’s really happy that he’s had another chance to have a go at you. He’s probably still reliving it right now and smirking to himself at how he scored yet another point over you.

Dont ask him about anything OP. Keep
your powder dry and save it for the divorce.

Yes I totally agree with what you’re saying about not texting him unless it’s absolutely necessary. It wasn’t done to initiate contact or anything, purely just to know what I was asking for from the barber as it wasn’t the one he usually goes to with his dad. I absolutely agree also with the comment about “a decision needed to be made, so I made it” and I will keep that at the forefront of my mind for the next time something like this crops up again. Although it also wouldn’t surprise me if he then said that was controlling 🙄

At the moment I don’t have the disposable income for therapy. I want to keep my savings and not have to dip into them unless it’s absolutely necessary. My wages etc over the next few months will be used for all the usual stuff and I will be buying more presents for Christmas (it’ll be a modest Christmas but nothing wrong with that!).

Does he have a particularly wacky hairstyle? Surely it was 'just a trim'? Or you could have shown the barber a photo of him after he had his last haircut?

I think you need to get out of the headspace of initiating conversations with TWAT - though I do understand that it's hard when you've been a family for so long.

The only way he would be able to say a decision you made ad hoc was controlling would be if you told him about it afterwards. For something as trivial as haircuts it doesn't need to be mentioned.

I think people are suggesting therapy because you're still doing a lot of mental load of wondering how he will react to something you say. It's understandable because that probably became a habit during your marriage, but it's not serving you now.

You didn't need to ask him. You just needed to take your son and ask the barber to trim it.
It would have been better for you to have said absolutely nothing and just got it done.
You need to think how much you actually need his input and how much is just force of habit.

Will be interesting to see what he does for Christmas - have you given any thought to how you’ll handle it?

By that I mean, are you going to co-ordinate efforts so you don’t both buy the same toy? I think I’d be loathe to tell him anything but for the sake of your DC I wonder if it’s unavoidable?

It will be interesting to see how he handles it because ime, finding little bits that the DC like takes thought, care, and time. And of course mo et. And he doesn’t seem to have any four of those things when it comes to your DC….I expect you’ve always organised their presents before?

God forgive me but I'd tell him to f* off

@mummy917

I absolutely agree also with the comment about “a decision needed to be made, so I made it” and I will keep that at the forefront of my mind for the next time something like this crops up again. Although it also wouldn’t surprise me if he then said that was controlling

And who cares if he does?

Besides, the decision you will have made is probably one that only affects you and/or the children and has nothing (or very little) to do with him. If he ever dared say anything I'd say "Well, someone had to take 'control'* of <insert issue> because you certainly weren't/hadn't. Next time, take care of it yourself then I won't have to".

*And please do use actual finger-quotes or a finger-quote tone of voice.