There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

There’s another thread going whose ex (left her) on seeing her happy and thriving without him jumped to the conclusion that she must be happy because there’s another man in her life. Can’t fathom that perhaps she’s thriving because she’s far better off without a man dragging her down every day.

I know how petty it is and it’s taken to get to this point before I’ve thought “sod it, why shouldn’t I give him a slight taste of his own medicine” but I understand both sides of why people say I should and shouldn’t do it.

I am happier purely because I’ve spent time actually feeling everything over the last 5 months and dealing with things the best I could given the circumstances; a man is the last thing on my mind.

Oh I would guarantee this is how he found out you were away.

@mummy917

I am happier purely because I’ve spent time actually feeling everything over the last 5 months and dealing with things the best I could

And that should give you great joy and satisfaction. You have traveled a huge distance on your healing path in a relatively short time. You deserve to be proud of yourself. Go eat some chocolate and drink some champagne.

And the reason that he is still such a wankering asshole is because he has NOT dealt with the reality of his feelings. Because if he did he'd have to admit that he made the biggest mistake of his life. He had it all an threw it away. And he'll never admit that.

I genuinely don’t think he will ever feel like he’s lost anything at all really, because throughout this whole time, I have been the one in the wrong in his eyes. He will never change the narrative around that, so I doubt he’ll ever think he’s lost anything at all.

Op, when he comes slithering back in 6 months or so, saying he wants to try again. He made a mistake blah blah. And you couldn't think of anything worse. Well, I just want to be here for the update.

You will get a chorus of " I told you so!!" 😊

I honestly don’t think he will have a sudden realisation or anything similar. He seems to absolutely despise me now, so I just hope in another 6 months, the update will be how much further on and happier I am.

If he was so sure he was right to leave, that you were so terrible, don't you think he'd actually be happy now? And happy people don't feel the need to treat others like shit. Deep, deep down he knows exactly what he's lost. And yes, he'll never admit the truth. And that's why he'll never be happy. He may not know what he's lost, but he knows he's lost something.

When I kicked my abusive 1st husband out decades ago, I was as happy as a clam. Even now, having left my alcoholic husband who I still love dearly, I am happy because I'm no longer living with his behavior. I am free. And I don't need to treat him like shit, because I know leaving was the right thing to do and treating him like shit wouldn't make me feel any happier than I do now.

I'm not saying that leaving him wasn't a sad and upsetting thing for me to have to do. I'm saying that leaving was right for me and my life is now better as a result.

This is such a good attitude to have. You’re going to be so much better off than he is.

Same as my ex-bil (bastard in-law). He can't admit he's done anything wrong, even though it was him who cheated.

He did NOTHING about the house. My sister done everything for him and the kids plus worked full time. He would sit in the spare room playing bloody video games but it is him who felt unloved and unwanted.

These men are a fucking joke!!

Honestly @mummy917 you will get to a good place and will feel so much happier without him ❤️

It’s wild to me that even the men who have cheated, somehow think they aren’t in the wrong. That is just a whole other level of egotistical.

I feel as though I am slowly but surely clawing my way to that place and that this time next year, my life will be so much happier and more peaceful.

The focus is on YOU and YOUR ONE LIFE. What he may or may not feel now or in the future is completely irrelevant. He is completely irrelevant. I wouldn’t waste an ounce of energy speculating on him, let alone plot any point scoring. He deserves no space in your head whatsoever…

…except in the context of your lovely DC of course. He has to step up as a father or ship out completely. Unfortunately this will take time, which is very hard.

You’ve got it OP a live well lived is the best outcome. Just your being totally capable, seeming happy, keeping boundaries and not rising to his bullshit is likely to annoy him. Unfortunately there’s nothing he can complain about to get sympathy from others there. In due course the kids will also realise who he is and that won’t be easy for him given that he has a high self opinion.

He's an ex now and apart from co-parenting with him I wouldn't give him a second thought, the person he is now isn't worth your time.

That’s all I want; that me and the kids have a happy, peaceful and healthy life. I want nothing more than that. And that they always know I am here for them no matter what age they are.

I really hope he steps up before the kids’ opinions of him change.

He is so very very unlikely to do so as he doesn’t think that he’s doing anything wrong at all 🙈🙈

Even though he blames you, to think of you with someone else will massively dent his ego and hurt his pride.

Hinting at this with a car on the driveway, flowers, new hairstyle, makeup and clothes plus XL condoms on top of shopping would wind him up (much to the delight of many of us) but might make things worse for you.

He doesn’t like confrontation. He didn’t like your mum giving him a hard time. I appreciate she is doing her best to avoid him but would she answer the door to him on one unacceptably early drop off, smile sweetly to unsettle him, to make him less inclined to repeat his twattish behaviour?

He also doesn’t like feeling as if he’s an outsider. Make sure you take photos of your DD’s first day at school. If he turns up, deliberately don’t include him. I bet your parents, if they’re there, would do the same. Sideline him. He hated being on his own at a previous event when you stood with your dad. (I’d be tempted to casually drop in a remark about how proud she is of her uniform then look at his half tattoed arm but then I am petty.) If he isn’t present, send the photos to him via WhatsApp, as a happy record of an important day he unfortunately missed (yes, I am being sarcastic) - more grist to the mill.

I think he probably will realise but hell will freeze over before he admits it. Even to himself. You are already SO better off without him and it will only get better for you. (I speak from experience like other posters on here). You are doing wonderfully, keep on being you.

Really hope you make yourself scarce till 9:55am on Friday @mummy917

the flowers would be a 👌 addition…

I too hope he steps up and properly parents his children @mummy917 but I have a feeling we will see Peppa Pig and George flying by before that happens.
You're taking life by the scruff of the neck and getting on with things. You're sounding happier too, so you're in optimal position to give the best revenge you can ... living life well and being happy.

As much as it would give me a little kick to see him angry if he thought there was even the sniff of another man in my life, ultimately all I really want is to get to that place of feeling completely content in my life with just me and the kids. Where we are all happy and healthy, and to be at the point where it wouldn’t bother me if he was seeing someone. Although I do feel now that my biggest feelings around that, would come from someone else being in the kids’ lives; it wouldn’t be because they were with him.

Even though he blames you, to think of you with someone else will massively dent his ego and hurt his pride.

I totally agree with this. I don’t think he has any intention of running back to OP. He clearly despises her for ‘trapping’ him with four kids that he clearly wanted, but didn’t want responsibility for! He thought he could walk away to a single carefree life, be Disney dad EOW and pay nothing in maintenance! That hasn’t worked out for him and he deeply resents OP for it. However, as PP says a new man on the scene would be a massive dent to his massive ego! I’m afraid I’m a little bit petty and if he ever mentioned the night away again or something else hinting at a new man I would have to play along with it a little bit without admitting anything. I definitely think he’d be curious but his pride wouldn’t allow him to ask directly.

Yeah I agree, he will never come running back, if for no other reason than he doesn’t see any part he’s played in the breakdown of our marriage.

True, but I bet his mum is encouraging him to (for her own respite), which would be really winding him up.

I think ultimately he wants to win. For whatever reason he truly feels like you owe him and he wants to one-up you at any cost. So I understand why you sometimes agree to things like early drop-offs etc to prevent conflict, because he will definitely retaliate to even the score if he feels you've 'won' in any way.

You've come so far in these few months, doing what any good parent would do - prioritising their children.