New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

I would disagree with this, op should not apologise and should not look to continue the friendship. Op mentioned she had already asked several times to meet elsewhere and the neighbour has declined and made excuses. Neighbour doesn’t understand boundaries.

Yanbu. She needs to ask her hv about local baby groups

The fitness group friend is bang out of order.

OP has shared plenty of times that she has tried this and it’s not worked.

You tried to tell her nicely 🤷‍♀️

You're fine, you'd been polite in the past and it didn't work. You'd specifically asked her not to come round. Honestly, it's none of your husband's business, fair enough if he'd said 'What was all that about?' after she'd gone. There was also no reason why you should have told him what was going on before this, you can manage fine without his help.

Because it’s the kind and decent thing to do to try and help someone who seems to be struggling, and if the OP has already brought up kids while living in that neighbourhood she might have some good suggestions?

I doubt this woman has any intention of losing weight or getting fit, I'd say she uses her obesity to get people to feel sorry for her. She's trying to play you and your husband off against each other. I would stop responding to her at all and let your husband find out exactly how manipulative and problematic she is.

I had a baby mum friend who got very close very quickly. Too much for me but I managed her. Then her son started bullying my son (aged about 3-4 but just very strong and rough but would start crying if caught).
She messaged to come round and I said no as another friend had been over for breakfast and just left. She turned up anyway. When she went to the toilet her son was chasing my son and hitting him hard, making him cry and fearful. I told him to stop. When she came back her son ran to her crying. I lost it and told her he was a bully and I had told her not to come round. She went nuts and we became enemies for a few years and she tried to turn some other mum friends against me. Just thought I’d share that 🤣

I don’t believe there is anything to suggest that the mum is obese. Or that she’s trying to lose weight.

The OP mentioned it in one of her posts.

”She's severely obese which is why I was helping her with her fitness.”

Hopefully your husband will see why you reacted in the way you did. I was one of those friends who would turn up and sit all day long at a friends house. Even when I could sense I was slightly annoying I kept doing it because I got so much out of it. Eventually she was quite rude to me and I was very hurt but now I am a mature adult I am so embarrassed about what I was doing. I clung to her whole family and would sit with her husband for hours. I feel very bad about it but what I can say is that I was very vulnerable and needy and this home was my solace. It is not right though and I don’t think I would ever have stopped.
op you have every right to say this is not suitable and I’m very busy sorry. It’s not like you didn’t try already.
she is very comforted by being with you but that doesn’t mean you should tolerate it.

The Op literally posted that she is obese and that’s how they know each other - the woman was working on her fitness and weight.

OP wasn’t having a dig at her. A few people have asked if she is young and attractive and if the husband maybe fancies her. OP was giving us the picture of the whole thing.

Yes you were a bit rude but with good reason. Some people just don't know how to take no for an answer. She owes you an apology. She has been very pushy and annoying, and was very obnoxious to just turn up when you said no. I would never do that, not even to close family.

I actually ghosted someone who was a bit like this (a few years ago now) but I was done with her and wouldn't let her back into my life. I just cut her off. I didn't even feel bad, firstly ignoring her and then blocking her. She kept getting people in our village to try and find out what was wrong.

The list was endless. She was nosey, pushy, irritating, spiteful - about others mostly - but about me and my house/DC/DH now and again, and she turned up uninvited 1-2 times a week! If she texted me and I didn't answer within 10 minutes she would come around to my house. (She lived/still lives 10 minutes walk from me.) She made me so stressed and frazzled that I had no option other than to block her. I put up with her for about 2 years. It would be one more year on top of that before she finally got the message. GO AWAY. She must have asked 10 people about me, and what was 'wrong' with me. Most people said 'well I don't know.' 😕

A few people kept badgering me and asking me which pissed me off, and 3 of them sided with her and don't speak to me now. Fine. I really don't care. Got to the point where they were pissing me off anyway. I did explain briefly why I had not been in touch with her/responding to her, but didn't go into detail, just 'we are not a good fit anymore, I thought we had things in common for a little while, but realised we didn't, and I'm not discussing it anymore....' I thought to myself 'hat is she, 10 year old?!' (why she not my fwend will you ask her?!)

This woman just turning up when you said 'no I am too busy, not today' was selfish, rude, and arrogant of her. She does not deserve you as a friend. I would think about ghosting her/binning her off if I were you @Aworldofwonder She will only get much worse.... She may be struggling and lonely but this is not your problem to fix. Just don't see her again. Do not feel bad about it. No man would feel bad about it, so don't feel you have to #BEKIND because you're a woman.

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Yeah - if I’d done this, my husband would intuitively know that there must be a reason for it. He would ask me about it after she left, and be concerned about me. Your husbands reaction is especially disappointing if he has previously felt you are people pleasing too much.

You had tried the kind and generous way and then the polite way, but she wouldn't take any notice. The only way then is to spell it out, brutally if necessary, so there is no room for misunderstanding. DH should keep out of it.

To the people thinking you went around it the wrong way, you clearly have no idea the stress an energy vampire like this woman can put upon you. It is horrible having to ask someone to leave when they simply think their time is more important and before I am hit with social cues and sen I myself have Audhd and know when the fuck I am overstaying at a place.

I have been in your shoes with a neighbour who would pop in when she saw me parking up in the evening coming in from work having collected from schools or creches etc and someone thought she was giving me the joy of her presence but instead she was preventing me getting on with my evening routine. In the end we had a massive falling out because I genuinely started to get anxiety attacks at the thoughts of her.

You were in the right, we all have a line and shes crossed over yours and needs to find someone else to latch onto. Life is too short for people pleasing.

You just need to tell your DH everything you’ve said here, this is like reading a novel where there’s a hugely frustrating misunderstanding between people. I think with the full information he will know you were being assertive with someone who doesn’t listen to hints or even direct requests, and that she’s a CF.

What, did she stick cushions under her clothes to draw the attention of OP at the fitness class?!

Maybe you were a bit blunt, and maybe dh assumed you enjoyed her visits, but sometimes you have to be blunt to get the message across.

I think you need to explain to Dh how much she is imposing on you, your time and doesn’t take no for an answer. I hope he doesn’t turn ‘knight in shining armour’ mode and start to defend her. If she has no friends, explain that’s not your problem, and you have other commitments. However, you will point her in the direction of mum and baby groups etc to help her.

You’ve done the right thing. Absolute cheeky fucking bastard

OP has said "She's severely obese which is why I was helping her with her fitness" This is a direct copy and paste from one of OPs posts at 14.08.

Say the words out loud to yourself and then come back and tell us why you "don't believe there is anything to suggest..."

Yeah, you're not wrong. I wasn't really in favour especially if her continuing it. But just suggesting how she could try and set boundaries if she wanted to. But as you say, she doesn't seem to listen.

Good for you! Did she say anything when you asked her to leave? Would love to know if she tried to justify herself, especially after you text her and told her not to come because you’re busy.

As for your husband, it’s hard for me to put myself in your shoes here as my partner would know every single detail about my ongoing issues with this woman, I tell him everything like this. However, you haven’t really kept your husband in the loop with this, so he doesn’t understand, so now you need to sit down and explain and ask him to stop being odd with you over it all.

No it's not the kind thing at all, this is a CF sucking out OPs time and energy, repeatedly and blatantly disrespecting her boundaries. Where's her consideration for OP?
And leaving that aside, CF doesn't need molly coddling but firm No's and lessons to learn about a)respecting others b)funding some resilience within herself.
Imo b) comes very easily when people start shutting the CFs out!